Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Charity Begins At Home. Besides, I Don't Like Jazz

And now for the George Orwell Memorial Don't Look Over There, Just Listen Photo Of The Day:

One of the few good things to come out of the Katrina disaster is the tremendous outpouring of support from Americans all across the country. From can drives by middle schoolers to truck loads of food and supplies donated by corporations, citizens have rushed to the aide of those caught in the tragedy. Even politicians have joined in by agreeing to forego some of the pork they stuffed into the recently passed highway bill.

Well, most of them anyway.

"They can kiss!" Representative. Don Young, the Alaska Republican boomed when Sam Bishop, Washington correspondent for the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner, asked him about the many pleas to redirect money for a bridge that will serve 50 people to the disaster victims.

"That is the most un-Christian thing I've ever heard," Young went on, noting that Louisiana did quite well in his highway bill. "They got a ton of money down there for projects." When it was pointed out to him that the money received for improvements was not nearly enough for total rebuilding of the infrastructure, Young said, "I had a golf outing for those lazy sons a...for those victims, and that's it! You know they're going to try and take advantage of the hurricane so they can all buy new Cadillacs or something. No. Not even Cadillacs. Mercedes Benzes or something, some foreign car. Why do poor people hate America?"

Representative Tom DeLay also expressed skepticism that most lawmakers would want to revisit the transportation bill, saying he would be reluctant to sacrifice the pork that he won for his district in the Houston area. "Look, we scored that money fair and square. OK, maybe not fair and square, but we got dibs first. Let them elect their own people who know what an earmark is."

President Bush seemed to agree. The nation will "have to cut unnecessary spending," he said. He added, "We should not raise taxes because that would inconvenience my base." When asked if Representative Young's $223 million bridge for 50 people could be classified as "unnecessary" Bush replied, "Not if it gets him reelected."

"Americans of every race and religion were touched by this storm, yet the greatest hardship fell upon citizens already facing lives of struggle -- the elderly, the vulnerable and the poor," Bush told those gathered at the National Cathedral in Washington. "And even though most of them are democrats, I'm going to have to do something about their plight, so I'm sending military recruiters to the area."

"As we clear away the debris of a hurricane, let us also clear away the manpower shortage in Iraq and Afghanistan." Bush said he would propose the creation of a Gulf Opportunity Zone. "Within this zone, we should provide immediate incentives for low pay, no benefit jobs, tax relief for people who aren't paying taxes now, and incentives to companies that take advantage of the suffering to increase their profits. This will be compassionate conservatism's finest hour."

"It is now clear that a challenge on this scale requires actual expertise" he said, "and a broader role for intelligent decision making -- the institution of our government most capable of massive logistical operations on a moment's notice has been completely decimated by my administration. I may have to fire someone...Heh Heh, just kidding. Gotcha!"

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