Thursday, September 08, 2005

Hey, Brown Rhymes With Drown, Right? Heh. Come On, I'm Just Trying To Lighten It Up A Little

We'd like to take a moment to speak in defense of Michael Brown, the beleaguered head of FEMA. Seems a lot of people believe he's not quite up to the job.

Well, duh. So what's your point?

See, people are getting way too hyper about this "qualification" thing. Look, his boss is a former drunk and drug addict who has failed at everything he's done up to this point. Does that sound like someone who is "qualified" to be president?

Right. So quit harping on "qualifications."

Now, let's hear from Mr. Brown. He has overseen responses to 164 presidential declared emergencies and disasters as FEMA counsel and general counsel. "I have been through a few disasters," he said. "Of course as the FEMA counsel I was just concerned about who might sue us for our screw ups. I wasn't in charge of the screw ups themselves."

When asked what he considered his biggest screw up Brown replied, "You mean after taking this job in the first place?" Brown then admitted that the federal government did not know that thousands of survivors without food or water had taken shelter at the city's convention center, despite a day of news reports. Brown also said people were "getting the help they need" and called New Orleans security "pretty darn good," contradicting reports and video from the scene. "Who has time to watch TV at a time like that?" he said.

Brown was the former head of the International Arabian Horse Association, when old friend and then FEMA Director Joe Allbaugh hired him in 2001. "He told me my horse experience was perfect for helping animals," Brown said. "I like animals. I had a pony when I was a kid. And dogs. I like dogs too."

When asked why he waited hours after Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast before sending only 1,000 Homeland Security workers into the region to support rescuers Brown responded, "Well, I hear hurricanes are dangerous storms. I didn't want to risk my people until the danger was past."

Part of FEMA's mission, according to Brown was to "convey a positive image" about the government's response for victims. "When I was at the Arabian Horse Association we had this contest where everyone would dress in costumes. People really liked it, so I was hoping to develop a FEMA costume so people would like us," Brown said. "I even had a mock up of what I wanted."
Now because everyone is so hep up about this qualifications thing, Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security has appointed Vice Admiral Thad W. Allen, the Coast Guard's chief of staff, to be Brown's deputy and to take over operational control of the search-and-rescue and recovery efforts along the Gulf Coast.

"Mike is still going to be involved the decisions," Chertoff said. "He'll be ordering the donuts for the staff meeting. Admiral Allen will be in charge of actually getting something done."

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