Wednesday, September 14, 2005

And The Lord Sayeth: "Pay Attention People"

Sadly, we knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. God's press secretaries have come out to explain how hurricane Katrina was actually subtle message from the deity explaining to us in his own unique way that he doesn't like poor black people. Or something like that.

Explaining perhaps the most creative connection between the actions of the almighty and tropical low pressure systems, the right reverend Pat Robertson had this to say: "You know, it's just amazing, though, that people say the litmus test for Supreme Court nominee Roberts is whether or not he supports the wholesale slaughter of unborn children when it should be is he for the slaughter of Venezuelan Presidents."

And what does abortion and assassination have to do with hurricanes Reverend Rambo? "But have we found we are unable somehow to defend ourselves against some of the attacks that are coming against us, either by terrorists or now by natural disaster? Could they be connected in some way?" OK. Forget about looking for middle eastern types in flight school. We need to find out how many potential terrorists are studying meteorology.

That thought is echoed by another of God's own advance team: "One lesson I learned from Katrina is that we had better win the war on terror and resolve to prevent another 9-11. Katrina exposed how easy it would be to take a city out. God help us if the terrorists ever get their hands on a hurricane," said Charles Colson.

But the worst is yet to come: "It seems clear that the prophetic times I have been expecting for decades have finally arrived. According to the voices in my head, a revived Roman Empire in Europe is to rule the West, and then the world, so get used to bowing down to Emperor Renee'. Damn French," said Hal Lindsey.

OK, look. We don't usually do this, but as a public service we're going to take time out from hunting up half empty vodka bottles to settle this controversy once and for all. Pay attention.

It is true that God is punishing us. No mistake. Now, our connection to the master of the universe is somewhat static filled, so we can't say exactly what it is that has Jehovah's knickers in a twist, but twisted they are. That much is clear. And so he has sent a natural disaster that dwarfs Katrina like a hydrogen bomb dwarfs a fart in a windstorm in its ability to wreak havoc and lay waste to our world.

And make no mistake, this is a world wide disaster that, even as we write this continues to spread death, destruction, dislocation and malapropisms. What is the instrument of God's terrible swift sword? What is the nature of this terrible retribution? Where is this spawn of chaos, this precipitate of doom? Why, it's right here.


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