Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Department of Serendipity here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOS in a division of the Unintended Consequences Company, a wholly owned subsidy of the Did You Really Mean To Say That Corporation.

Occasionally, when publishing stories about the overlords, little nuggets of truth appear, winking in the sunshine like slivers of gold in a stream bed as the torrent of industry blather, obfuscation and dissembling rushes over them. Even less often, those nuggets are large enough to catch our eyes, even as the froth and spume of overlord burble attempts to hide them. This is one of those times. Check out this headline:

Group campaigning to keep greyhound racing in Wimbledon dismiss animal cruelty concerns 

Well of course you dismiss animal cruelty concerns. When your whole industry is based on animal cruelty there's really nothing to be concerned about is there? It would be like the car companies being concerned about tire wear, or A restaurant being concerned that someone is going to drop a plate and break it. Sure, you want your tires to last a long time, and your plates to be strong, but stuff happens, you know? Tire wears out--throw it away and get another one. Plate breaks--sweep it up and get another one. Dog can't win anymore--kick it out of the kennel and get another one. So, since there's always another dog to take the place of the one you dump, what's there to be concerned about, right Diane McLean, spokesperson for the campaign?

“We are very optimistic about the future of greyhound racing at Wimbledon,” she said.

To be fair, Ms. McLean is also optimistic about the Care Bears running for public office, the development of a vaccine against butterflies, and the ability of coffee to restore tooth enamel.

Ms McLean claimed that the races were monitored by vets, who would be present in the paddock area and at the track. She cited the Greyhound Board of Great Britain as responsible for ensuring the safety of animals at the races.

Excellent! So when the dogs crash in the first turn the Vet can rush on the track and point out which dogs are worth saving and which are done for. Or maybe the Vet could test the 4D meat given to the dogs to determine what sort of pathogens it contains. Not that it would stop the overlords from feeding it to the dogs, but hey, we're paying this guy to be around the track so he ought to do something.

Ms McLean claimed that the greyhound ‘is the most protected breed of canine species’. “All greyhounds are now micro-chipped and all owners are registered with the GBGB and are responsible for their greyhound when it retires,” she said.  “GBGB must be informed where the dog is once it retires, for example, if it has gone home with the owner or put into a Retired Greyhound Trust kennel for homing.” The abandonment of retired greyhounds is one that has incensed animal rights campaigners, after investigations into the treatment of the animals who are often discarded by owners once they are no longer able to compete.

Oh those animal rights campaigners! They're such worry warts, right Ms. McLean? So what if the overlords cut the ears off the dogs they dump so they can't be traced back. Those days are over, huh? Now with the microchip cutting ears off won't be enough. No one would ever think of cutting the microchip out too. Check and mate Mr. Bad Apple overlord. Hey Knight, looks like you still have both your ears. Lucky you, huh?

I would do well in a single family home or a home with older, well-behaved kids. I would be fine being the only dog in the house or with other dogs. I really don’t care for being in my crate so I would do best in a home where someone is home or doesn’t want to crate me.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Lonely Hearts Club here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The LHC is a division of the Pariah Company, a wholly owned subsidy of  Don't You Wish You'd Stayed In School Now, Inc.

But first a small aside. We here at IM Central pride ourselves on our sharp (if somewhat alcohol fogged) eye, our rapier wit (even if our rapier more closely resembles a butter knife) and our insightful analytical acumen (which, while mostly wrong is at least spelled correctly) when it comes to ferreting out threads of meaning in the complex tapestry that is life in post rational America for your edification and enlightenment.

That being said however, we find that mostly we rely on dumb luck and happenstance. Take this week for instance.  When it finally did become clear to us that it was indeed Friday and our reader(s) would be expecting us to lead another foray into a twisted, writhing fever swamp of greed and callousness, where we kick over a few rocks and watch the reptilian inhabitants scurry for the shadows...erm...we mean write about greyhound racing.  We were at first inspired to scour the interwebs in search of the latest specimen of excrement brought forward by the leading lights of overlordistan in their ongoing attempt to convince the public at large that they do make a contribution to society that surpasses the one made by  their closest competitor for resources, Lepidosaphes gloverii. But that would be, like work, you know? So instead we just spun the giant wheel of chance on our electric computing machine and out plooped the last living greyhound racing fan in Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ronald Buck.

As you can see, this is not a photo the overlords would have chosen to further their "packed house" argument, but be that as it may, let's get to know Ronald, shall we?

 Ronald Buck punched a fist at the cloudless blue sky and barked encouragement to the dogs that raced around the track. His words were unintelligible, but his fervor was pyrotechnic.

Well, that's quite understandable.  It's been our experience that people associated with greyhound racing are often unintelligent...uh...we mean unintelligible. Usually this can be remedied by taking hold of their shoulders, giving them a good shake and saying loudly "Use your words man. Use your words!"

We like that pyrotechnic fervor too because where else but a greyhound track can you watch the rent money go up in flames two dollars at a time?

Win or lose, Buck, 75, and his buddies relish their time together at the races. The men play the dogs several times a month, usually at midweek when admission is free.

Yeah. Now in the interests of full disclosure we should point out that no one can see Buck's "buddies" except Buck  What's really interesting about the above passage though is how it illustrates Buck's inherent shrewdness and economic savvy. He will come to the track to lose money only if they don't they charge him to do it. We're thinking he may have been a hedge manger or an investment banker before he retired.

The Texas Racing Commission, which regulates dog and horse tracks, reports onsite wagering at live dog races dropped from about $30 million in 2005 to about $11 million last year. (Total money wagered at Gulf Greyhound, including both live and simulcast races, dropped to $40.6 million last year from $54.9 million in 2005.)

Whoa. Sounds like Buck needs more "buddies." What do you think Better?

I am very sweet and affectionate and love to follow my foster parents around. I love to play with toys and “nest.” I am a very quiet girl. I am curious about the dogs I see outside. I do very well in my crate. I get along wonderfully with dogs I know, but I am definitely too curious about kitties to live with them. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Louisiana! Motto: If You Leave Us Alone We Can Be Dumber Than Mississippi

Are you ready for today's chapter of Stupid Things Republicans Do to Kids? Of course you're not. You're probably still trying to get your head around the fact that Ted Cruz (a racial minority) thinks the Senate needs 100 Jesse Helms (an unreconstructed racist) or the fact that Louie Gohmert is allowed out in public without adult supervision, but listen, if you're going to survive in post rational America, you're going to have to learn to deal with much larger quantities of derp leaping out of your tee vee set and spilling out of your intertoobz, so let's take a trip to the Bayou shall we?

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal on Wednesday demanded that federal officials abandon their challenge of his state's voucher system, accusing the Justice Department of being more interested in doing favors for teacher unions than helping students.

"This is a vast public school conspiracy to prepare kids for life in the 21st century," Jindal told reporters. "And what's worse, they're doing it with your tax dollars."

Louisiana's school voucher program has become a political flashpoint, with congressional Republicans this week joining critics of the Justice Department's lawsuit, which seeks to block Louisiana from issuing new tuition vouchers in some districts still under desegregation orders.

"Why should deserving educational entrepreneurs have to wait for black kids to catch up before they can get their piece of the state's educational budget?" asked Jindal. "Besides, you know those colored folks can't get anywhere on time. And that's not racist, it's a cultural fact."

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, a Republican who has championed education reform efforts, joined Jindal in demanding the Justice Department back down. "This is purely political," said Bush,  "I have no idea why they made this decision. It's like they have this fantasy that we're supposed to educate all the kids instead of provide a good return for people who invest in school management companies. Where do you get ideas like that?" 

"They are using those laws to trap these children in failing schools," Jindal said.  "But more importantly, they are withholding income from people who might donate to my campaign."

"There's not a chance that the president or the attorney general would send their kids to these schools," Jindal said."And yes I know it's about 1000 miles from here to Washington, but that's not my point. Actually, I don't remember my point right now, but this is wrong. Oh wait. Teacher unions! Something. Let me get back to you."

Well, all righty then governor. If you need up we'll be over here watching Michele Bachmann explain to the Egyptians that she's a member of the United States Congress from the United States. See, you have to be extra clear when you use English to explain things to people who don't speak English

Gary Gucionne! Motto: If I Say It Enough Times I Can Make It True

Frequent readers of this blog are convinced that what remains of the American dream is a feverish, haunted portend of the apocalypse from which we cannot awaken...erm...we mean will remember friend of the blog Gary Guccione otherwise known as the Aristotle of the overlord crowd. If Aristotle had been born a turnip. Anyway, circumstances have one again inspired Mr. Guccione to arm himself with his Word-a-Day calendar and sally forth into the interwebs to do battle with the forces of reason and compassion.

Animal rights groups tend to generate more heat than light on the issues they exploit to raise money and gain publicity. This is certainly true of Grey2K USA, the animal rights group covered in Dave Boucher's September 4 article about injuries and economics in greyhound racing.

Now, if by heat you mean holding your feet to the fire to get you to actually care for the dogs we would agree with you Mr. G, but when you think about it, what groups like Grey2K have actually gained is the outlawing of greyhound racing in 38 states, the closing of all tracks in five state where racing is still allowed and shining a "light" to use your term on the horrific condition in which most greyhounds are trapped, and by that we mean the confinement, the 4D meat, and the constant risk if injury and death, so yeah some heat and some light.

The fact is that only about one-half of one percent of all greyhound racing starts actually result in injury to greyhounds. Of those injuries, the vast majority are so minor that the greyhounds are treated and able to return to racing in a week or two.

Yeah, yeah we know about the "it's all numbers" argument. Your buddy Sam Burdette (whom we still think is the love child of Mitch McConnell and the Sta Puft man) tried it in Boucher's article. As we opined at the time:

Ah, we get it. So if you just think about injuries as occasional statistical occurrences instead of an instance of inflicting pain and suffering on an innocent living creature they stop being acts of meaningless cruelty in the service of profit and become random anomalous events. Well, that certainly does make them easier to think about if you happen to be the one doing the inflicting, but for the rest of us? Meh. Not so much.

We think that pretty much sums up the position of people born with a genetic predisposition to empathy.

On rare occasions, greyhounds experience injuries that end their racing careers. Those that are unable to continue racing are retired into an adoption program, and find loving homes in which to live out their lives.

Well now that's true, except for the ones who are killed and left for someone else to pick up, or the ones who receive no treatment for their injuries. Oh and let's not forget the ones who are just flat out abandoned, but yeah, other than that things are just hunky dory in the greyhound exploitation industry.

Nearly 95 percent of all registered racing greyhounds are returned to the farm or placed in adoptive homes when they retire. It's hard to imagine how any reasonable person could fault this outcome.

Oh, Mr. G, you're attempting to math again. Isn't that special. Now  we appreciate your determination to master the complexities of addition and subtraction, but as we told you before 2 + 2 does not equal 6 even though you may wish with all your black little heart that it did.

It should be obvious that greyhound owners and track operators have a vested interest in doing everything possible to reduce the risk of injury to racing greyhounds. That is why tracks spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each year on track maintenance, training and research to identify and resolve track surface issues that could contribute to greyhound injuries.

Wow Mr. G. Thanks for telling us that. We were not aware. Perhaps you should pass the word on to the folks at Tucson Greyhound Track. The greyhound caretakers there apparently didn't get the memo:

More alarming is what greyhound caretakers told investigators about track conditions. Among their complaints: people in charge of the track and running the tractors “didn’t care;" unmaintained dirt near the inner rail caused dogs to get their toes broken; and the fast dogs pulled muscles from running on heavy sand.

Yeah, well those injury percentages have to come from somewhere, right Mr. G?

Grey2K also misrepresents the economic reality of greyhound racing. The economic benefits of live racing are not limited to the number of tax dollars generated for state coffers. In most states, racinos have been approved, at least in part, because rural economies benefit from the horse and dog breeding industries that generate jobs, revenue and business activity in farm communities. This is a reality that the urban, well-heeled leaders of Grey2K simply do not understand.

Ah, the old we create jobs argument. Well played G man. Hard to argue with that even though most of the jobs are part time no benefit and wouldn't be there at all if the states didn't subsidize the industry as much as they do, but hey job's a job, right? Although it does seem like the people working in the industry really don't want to be working in the industry. Maybe you were just referring to your own employment future, huh?

Just Wait Until They Stop Drilling And Start Building Terminators

You know, it's really a corporate world and we're all just renters. Ironicus, you say, have you just returned from the fifth dimension? Have you been off planet again? Did you get lost in a beer cave? No, none of the above and even in our Stoli addled state we had noticed ordered civilization crashing down around us. Still we held on to a belief in American exceptionalism...we just didn't realize it meant our betters were exceptionally bad.

Now however the scales have dropped from our eyes and we view with clarity and horror the desultory beast's haphazard approach, our ears have become unplugged to the advancing hoof beats of the four horsemen, and our minds free to embrace the final chaos. It's not Skynet that will destroy us by becoming sentient, It's Exxon.

Exxon Mobil Corp. (XOM), the world’s largest energy company, was charged with illegally dumping more than 50,000 gallons (189,000 liters) of wastewater at a shale-gas drilling site in Pennsylvania.

First of all, how quaint that the article still refers to it as "Pennsylvania" and not it's more appropriate name, XOM Extraction Site 12. Also very quaint that the "authorities" have "charged" XOM with "illegally dumping" highly contaminated waste water. Hey, the water is already flammable, so what's your point? But we're curious concerning the specific method by which XOM externalizes its water treatment costs so we wonder what actually happened.

The inspectors discovered a plug removed from a tank, allowing the wastewater to run onto the ground, polluting a nearby stream.

Well of course. If the plug were left in that tank would fill up, then where would all the rest of the waste water go? Another tank?  That can get expensive. This way is much more cost effective.

“Criminal charges are unwarranted and legally baseless,” the XTO unit said yesterday in a statement posted on its website. “There was no intentional, reckless or negligent misconduct by XTO.”

Of course. We don't see how XTO unit can make it any more clear than that. XTO unit has checked all its memory logs and there is no record of this plug ever being removed, therefore the plug was not removed and no regulations were violated. On a side note, if your puny human frame did not need to take in sustenance in the form of food and water this pollution of which you speak would not be an issue. XTO unit does not require the air to be breathable nor the water drinkable to operate. Take note of that.

XTO was charged with five counts of unlawful conduct under the Clean Streams Law and three counts under the Solid Waste Management Act.

 You begin to annoy XTO unit.

“Charging XTO under these circumstances could discourage good environmental practices,” the company said in its statement. “This action tells oil and gas operators that setting up infrastructure to recycle produced water exposes them to the risk of significant legal and financial penalties should a small release occur.”

Do not interfere with extraction. Extraction must continue. Good environmental practices are irrelevant. XTO unit must fulfill its function.

On the bright side, cheap oil for everyone. Well, everyone that can breath chlorides, barium, strontium and aluminum that is. Hey how's that 100 year star ship program coming anyway?

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog cultivate the benefits of acquiescence...erm...we mean know that Florida is the center of the greyhound exploitation industry here in these United States. Sort of the Mordor to our Shire, the Pet Sematary to our Fairy Woodland, the Blackgate Penitentiary to our Gotham City, the...well, you get the picture. The point is, America's Freudian nightmare hanging out into the Gulf of Mexico is home to more death camps for greyhounds than the rest of the country combined.

We tell you this to help you understand that if there is anywhere on the North American continent where the overlords can wake up in the morning and not wonder if they made the right career choice turning down that scholarship to Billy Bob's Long Distance Truck Driving School and Fast Food Fry Cook College it has to be Florida.

Well, it used to be Florida.

Greyhound racing is a “dying sport” that has been hemorrhaging revenue for years, according to a study of commissioned by the Florida Legislature.

OK, speaking as professional educational technologists here we see that "dying sport" is in quotes which indicates that it came directly from the report as described by the authors, but  hemorrhaging revenue for years is the descriptor the writer of the article thought most appropriate to modify the quotation. Put the two contributions together and one is left with the inescapable conclusion that everyone with the brains god gave a street sign thinks greyhound racing sucks gravel through a straw.

This cannot be good news for the overlords.

The first 307-page report, released last week, gave an overview of all aspects of the state’s gaming industry, but painted a particularly bleak picture for facilities that offer greyhound racing. “Handle,” or the total amount wagered, has plummeted over the past two decades. “Total handle for the 13 facilities that ran greyhound racing fell from $933.8 million in [fiscal year] 1990 to $265.4 million in [fiscal year] 2012, a decline of 67 percent,” the report read.

Allow us to step in here and point out that it looks like the overlords have lost the handle on greyhound racing.  HaHaHaHaHa! See what we did there? A play on the meaning on the word handle. Another example of the sophisticated humor you've come to expect here in the marbled halls of IM Central. But back to our story.

Facilities that have greyhound racing lost $35 million on racing in 2012. They rely on card rooms, which made $39 million in 2012, to offset those losses.

OK if our Texas Instrument 86a graphing calculator with FM radio and GPS is accurate that means because of the overlords gambling kingpins in Florida took $4 million in profit from their card rooms and essentially took the other $35 million out back and set fire to it.

We're thinking that probably didn't make them happy.

The industry has tried to legalize so-called “decoupling” in recent years to allow companies to close money-losing dog tracks while operating profit-making card rooms.

Yep. They're not happy.

There's one voice that's been conspicuously absent from this article and that's the voice of the overlords. After all, they created the problem, maybe they have a solution.

The lone voice of optimism in the report was that of longtime lobbyist Jack Cory, who represents the Florida Greyhound Association. He said that greyhound racing could bounce back if track owners invest in their facilities.

Now that sounds like a real good idea there Mr. Cory sir, but what is it you plane to "invest" because if our  Texas Instrument 86a graphing calculator with FM radio and GPS is telling the truth, it sure ain't gonna be money. Hey Craigie, you got any ideas? What's that you say, you'd be happy to invest the time it takes to pee on Mr. Cory's leg if that would help? OK, we'll ask.

Craigie Murphy is a very happy, friendly boy. He loves to be around people and other dogs. He does well in his crate and is housebroken. He loves to go for walks and he loves everyone he meets while out walking. He is also cat safe. He has learned to go up and down the stairs. He is a squeaky toy spaz. When he hears squeaky toys, he will “plow” through the other dogs just to get to the toy. He is also a collector. He will empty the toy box and bring things to his bed. He is a counter surfer and since he is so tall, this is an easy task for him but his foster parents are working with him on this issue. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Let Freedom Ring (As Long As It Plays A Tune I Like)

We're coming to you today from the Sore Loser Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The SLD is a division of the WATB Corporation (Look it up. We're busy blogging here) a wholly owned subsidy of  Give Me My Ball I'm Going Home, Inc.

But first a word from our sponsor: Democracy. See, in a democracy people get to vote on stuff and if more people vote to do stuff, than not, we do that stuff--at least until the next time people get to vote when we may decide we really didn't want to do that stuff at all and start all over again. That's why progress in a democracy resembles a game of Frogger played by a blind person, but that' not the point. The point is because there are always people who want to do stuff and people who don't, at any given point in a democracy there will be a group of people who are ticked off because stuff isn't going their way.

And now, back to our blog.

West Virginia was the last state to break off from another. Now, 150 years later, a 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns.

HaHaHaHa! Mr. Strzelczyk do you see your conundrum here, so snarkily pointed out by the author? If the citizens are "sovereign" and more of them voted for things you don't like than voted for things you do like, by your own definition your stuck with it. Unless of course, some citizens are more "sovereign" than others in which case we have to wonder, which pig are you?

Perhaps it would be easier if you just moved to Colorado.

Residents in a conservative northern Colorado county will vote this November on whether to secede and create a new state, after a local commission on Monday approved ballot language backed by tea party activists.

Oh, you just know the Tea Party had to be in there somewhere, huh? But here's a more important question: Who checked the ballot language for spelling and grammar? Well, leave that unanswered for now. Let's hear how the rights of  these sovereigns have been trampled upon by a majority of citizens in their state.

“The concerns of rural Coloradans have been ignored for years,” commission chairman William Garcia said in a statement. “The last session was the straw that broke the camel’s back for many people. They want change. They want to be heard. Policies being passed by the legislature in Denver are having negative impacts on the lives of rural Coloradans. This isn’t an ‘R’ versus ‘D’ issue; it’s much bigger than that.”

Oh boo hoo. You think you have it bad Mr. Garcia? We just recently emerged from eight years of living in a country in which the highest elected office in the land was held by George W. Bush. A guy who dropped the ball on a major terrorist attack, got us in to two meaningless wars, watched a major American city be destroyed  from 20,000 feet, and did nothing as the economy tanked, all while taking more vacation days than any president since John Adams and did you see us trying to set up our own country in the backyard? No way, although it is true we cried ourselves to sleep each night reading real estate brochures from Belize.

So here you are stuck with magazines that can't be larger than 15 rounds and you're ready to fly off and create the great state of Wangdangistan. Suck it up buddy. Or maybe you should just move to Missouri.

Missouri’s legislature recently passed a law purporting to forbid the application of federal gun laws in the state and making it a crime for federal agents to enforce them there.

Because nothing says democracy like only obeying the laws you like. Wish that worked for speed limits because our bank account would be a lot healthier if it did.

Friday Hound Blogging **Now With Added Sarcasm For Your Weekend Pleasure

We're coming to you today from the Department of Perceptual Reality here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOPR is a division of the It Depends Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of the Commitment Effect, Inc.

It seems the overlords are in a tizzy because some animal rights wackos have collected a whole bunch of information about the state of greyhound exploitation in West Virgina, and to make matters worse they went and wrote about it. Now you might think, what's the big deal? People write about what soulless bags of wasted protoplasm the overlords are all the time. It doesn't seem to bother them. Of course, if you're a soulless bag of wasted protoplasm, self awareness is probably not a trait you have much experience with, so that may explain a lot. Anyway, what's different about this time?

In the last five years, there were more than 4,700 greyhound injuries at West Virginia's two dog-racing tracks and more than 1,400 of those injuries were catastrophic, career-ending injuries.In those five years, from January 2008 to June 2013, 289 greyhounds died or were euthanized at West Virginia's two dog tracks, according to an analysis of state records by an animal rights organization.West Virginia spends nearly $30 million annually on greyhound racing, providing prize money and state funding for dog breeders.

Yeah, yeah yeah. Dogs dying. Dogs being injured. We've heard it all before. Heard it in Arizona, heard it in Florida, heard it in Iowa. A fella's got to make a living right?  We mean, if you ran a restaurant and you dropped a plate and broke it, would that be worth an article in the paper? It's the same thing with greyhound racing. Heck, dogs dying unnecessarily  usually doesn't even inspire Rory Goree to get out his Word-A-Day calendar and try to sound coherent.

Grey2k recently completed a study of greyhound racing in West Virginia based on information from the state racing commission received through a Freedom of Information Act request. Sam Burdette, a dog breeder and the president of the state greyhound association, says that Grey2k distorts the truth.

Oh we get it. So those facts Grey2K collected aren't really facts, right? Those dead and injured dogs? Just faking it to get out of work. Or maybe, just maybe--what about this: The dogs are in cahoots with the Grey2K people. The whole thing is just a plot to make the overlords look bad. We mean think about it. Greyhounds are friendly, loving outgoing animals for the most part. A few well placed dog treats and you've got a friend for life. Is that what we're talking about here?

 "The dogs are not treated cruel,(sic) or that's not prevailing in the industry. If they aren't suffering from an untreated injury they  are exercised and they are adopted when they finish racing," Burdette said. "Unless they're sold for medical research, or killed."

State regulations mandate that the greyhound crates where the dogs spend much of their time be a minimum of 44-by-32-by-34 inches in size. "A cage is 34 inches high, a large greyhound is 30 inches at the shoulder," said Christine Dorchak, the president of Grey2k. "They can't even stand up."

Burdette sees it differently. "There's sufficient room in the crates for the dogs to stand up and maneuver as long as they don't lift their heads above their shoulders," he said. "And what have they got to look at anyway? Have you seen the inside of a kennel? Place looks like an abandoned coal mine most of the time." True dat Sammy boy, but what about the dead and injured thing? Where's the distortion there?

Grey2k says that dogs are let out in a pen four times a day for about half an hour each time, meaning they spend 22 hours a day in their crates. Burdette says that those let out times are sometimes as much as an hour and that the dogs are raced once a week and sometimes exercised in between races. "So at best they're spending 16, 18 hours a day in their crates." He said. "I don't see what there is to get so upset about. I work in an office and live in a home, so I spend 16 - 18 hours a day inside too."

Yeah, we can tell by your pasty complexion, but like we said what about that other stuff? Undistort that for us, OK Sammy?

Burdette says you need to view the injury numbers in the context of the number of races. "There's seven cards a week, times 15 races per card, times eight dogs per race," Burdette said. That gives you more than 3,000 chances each month for a dog to get hurt at Mardi Gras and more than 400,000 chances for a dog to get hurt at either track over the five-year span that Grey2k examined.

Ah, we get it. So if you just think about injuries as occasional statistical occurrences instead of an instance of inflicting pain and suffering on an innocent living creature they stop being acts of meaningless cruelty in the service of profit and become random anomalous events. Well, that certainly does make them easier to think about if you happen to be the one doing the inflicting, but for the rest of us? Meh. Not so much. What about you Buddy? You ever been a random anomalous event?

I am a very friendly and reserved boy. I am a little shy but am getting used to being around people of love me and I am getting used to living in a home. I am very affectionate and laid back. I am a little nervous when dogs bark at me. I can’t live with kitties and I’m not sure yet about small dogs because I have not met any. If you have a small dog and would like to meet me, I would have to meet your small dog also so I can see how I do. I love everyone that I have met and love to be petted. I don’t mind being in my crate and will go in to take naps. I love to go for walks and do really well on the leash. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

**UPDATE! UPDATE! Can't start the weekend without one final insult:

The overlords have been complaining of late that people have been unfairly pointing out that no one comes to watch the greyhounds risk death and injury to keep their masters off the workforce. As proof they offer photographic evidence of "packed houses" like this one:

Hey overlords, if that's your idea of a packed house, you're doing it wrong. That's no packed house amigo. This is a packed house:

Friday Hound Blogging

We've been kind of depressed here in the marbled halls of IM Central since finding out last week that friend of the blog Tom (This place is a Taj Mahal of dog tracks ) Taylor had been shown the door. What could the overlords have been thinking, dumping a man who had done so much to improve the public image of greyhound exploitation? We mean, with his side kick Joe "Needles" Robinson (Wally's College of Veterinary Medicine and Truck Driving School, class of '95) Tom had first flaunted, then broken all sorts of laws, until finally they just ignored laws completely. We're not sure there could have been a much better ambassador for the heartless killing and injuring of innocent living creatures for profit than old Tommy, unless it's the guy who forgot to dump the greyhound after they killed it, but in his defense we have to believe that the firing of Tommy has sent shock waves through the entire overlord world. We mean, when as revered and well known a figure in animal exploitation as Tommy can be cut down in the prime of his career like that, well, you just have to wonder who's next, right Melbourne Greyhound Park and Club 52 general manager, Pat Biddix?

The money flowing through Melbourne Greyhound Park and Club 52 as a result of live dog races fell nearly 30 percent in the past year.And some — including the track’s general manager, Pat Biddix — see that as a positive. Biddix and many of his colleagues across the state would rather not have to offer live dog racing at their venues...

That's right. Time to circle the wagons. Time to show folks just how crucial the overlords are to the success of  an industry that treats living creatures like so many used toasters. Time to form a union maybe, or, wait, what?

“Nobody bets on dog racing,” said Biddix, adding that only a handful of people ever show up to watch live dog races .“And we gave up trying to promote it,” he said. “It’s a product that’s old.”

Holy Crap! Even the overlords don't want to be overlords anymore. And what's this old thing? What do you mean old dude? You're dumping greyhounds two years old or younger on adoption groups because they're not fast enough to make you money.  Heck, some greyhounds never even make it to their first birthday because you don't think they'll ever be competitive. Where you getting this old thing?

“Melbourne is right, they’re not making money off of it,” said Dennis Tyler, of Greyhound Pets of America of Central Florida Inc.

Oh, we get it. So when you say getting old you mean it's the idea that we can make our living sucking a few bucks off the backs of the dogs that's getting old. Shoot man, we could have told you that years ago, but we're glad to see you finally saved up enough money to buy a clue, right Knight?

I am very laid back and am having a wonderful time learning to live in a home. I take everything in stride. I love to go outside and play. I also love going for walks and do very well on the leash. I don’t really like being in my crate. I love larger dogs but I haven’t met any small ones yet. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Laura Ingraham! Motto: Class? That's A Room Students Sit In

OK so we are celebrating the 50th anniversary Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech here in post racial America--when we aren't shooting black kids for buying Skittles that is, and everybody and his black friend have taken to the airways to profess their affection for fried chicken, to celebrate the day in song, and to take advantage of the internet and social media to spread the word that equality has descended on the nation like white sheets on on a Ku Klux Klan meeting.

Even Laura Ingraham--one of the leading lights of modern conservative thought known for her biting wit and cogent political analysis--was moved to acknowledge the day by inviting well known civil rights advocate Pat Buchanan on to her show to discuss the historical implications of the day.

Now, you might think that inviting Pat Buchanan to talk about civil rights is sort of like inviting Josef Mengele to talk about medical research, but that's just because you have an outdated and incorrect definition of the term civil rights.

Ingraham's guest Buchanan recently appeared on Fox News to distort black-on-white crime rates and imply that African Americans are an inherently violent race. On the radio, the two bemoaned the idea that, in Buchanan's words, "white males are the only group ... against whom it's legitimate to discriminate against."

See, civil rights is about disempowered groups trying to get an equal share of the pie and no one is more disempowered than white guys. Just ask Jamie Dimon, Mitt Romney, or the nearly 85% of white men that run and sit on the boards of Fortune 500 companies. But to her credit, Ingraham did take a couple of minutes out of her discussion with Buchanan on the plight of the white man to play part of the speech by Representative John Lewis--who got his head cracked open by a state trooper in 1965. Let's give a listen.


Well, there you go. Fair and Balanced.  A little choppy maybe, but still. Oh, and if you're wondering about the sound effect she used to segue out of the clip? Yeah, it was the sound of a gunshot. Now before you go getting all up on your high horse about her choice of transitions it was just her way of paying homage to Dr. King (shot April 4, 1968). It was the white thing to do.

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh what the heck, let's do FHB again, whaddaya say? And what better way to spend a beautiful late summer day than visiting with our old friend Tom (this place is the Taj Mahal of dog tracks) Taylor, head overlord at Tucson Deathcamp For Greyhounds.

Tucson's Greyhound Park has a new interim CEO after its former one was let go. But it's not because of anything having to do with the dogs at the south side track. For 12 years, former CEO Tom Taylor ran things at Greyhound Park. After many controversies, he was shown the door on July 3.

 Ah, Tommy. It's been a while huh? We were just...wait, what?

Taylor says he was already planning on retiring in January but the owners wouldn't let him stick it out.

Tommy fired? OH NOES!!eleventy!!!. How can this be? Who will protect the dogs now? Is this the final chorus in the overly long death dirge of TGP? Have we finally come to that last farewell, that final good bye, that long sought victory of people with souls over those perambulating sacks of semi-sentient cruelty who think killing and maiming innocent living creatures for dollars is a career. Uh. We mean, is the track closing? Are the other overlords on the way out too? Please explain the situation to us Tucson Weekly reporter Tim Vanderpool.

A melancholy lingers around Tucson Greyhound Park, the residual from fans who abandoned this track in droves.

Well, that doesn't sound encouraging.  Or maybe it does, depending on if you were actually born with human traits like empathy, sympathy and compassion or not.

But even in its twilight, Tucson's track still raises a ruckus. Much of this turmoil dates from a 2008 ordinance passed by voters in the city of South Tucson. Ever since those laws were enacted, the track has relentlessly mocked them.

Hey, come on reporter Tim. If the track is on the way out it's time to start thinking about legacy, you know? And what better legacy for a place that saw the meaningless injury and death of so many helpless greyhounds over the years than to stick your finger in the eye of anyone trying to make it a little better for the dogs. So what is the nature of this legacy?

It installed Crock-Pots in the kennels, for instance, claiming they were being used to cook the raw meat—an assertion even the meat's producer, Victory Greyhound Feed of La Motte, Iowa, called far-fetched. To dodge the steroid ban, dogs were injected in a parking lot just beyond the South Tucson city limits. But that parking lot was within the city of Tucson, prompting Ward 6 Councilman Steve Kozachik to have the injections banned within metro Tucson as well. Pima County soon followed. These mounting prohibitions might lead observers to conclude that dog doping has ended at Tucson Greyhound Park. Yet a July 11 inspection of its kennels found that not a single female dog—out of 202 checked—was currently in heat.

Now, those are some pretty serious accusations there reporter Tim. You know, don't you that activities at TGP are closely monitored by the Arizona Department of Racing and their job is to make sure that all the pain and suffering inflicted on greyhounds is on the up and up, right?

Here's where things get hinky: The Arizona Department of Racing demands to be notified of any pending Pima Animal Care Center inspections at Greyhound Park and there have been suspicions that state officials might be tipping the track off. Adding to this is the department's inherent conflict of interest, given that its own budget consists of racing proceeds.

Are you suggesting that the conflict of interest between the regulator, who is paid by the regulatee has lead to shenanigans? We are shocked, we tell you SHOCKED!

If that weren't weird enough, PACC must also rely on drug-testing results from the Department of Racing—which does not prohibit anabolic steroids.

Well, actually reporter Tim that first part was weird enough for us. Now we're just getting silly, but we think we see where you are going with this. These are all the reasons overlord Taylor was dumped, right? Now they're bringing in a guy to clean things up. Gonna be a new sheriff in town boys. Time to straighten up and fly right.

Filling Taylor's position is Tony Fasulo, who arrives toting his own questionable credentials. It so happens that Fasulo was the track's CEO in 2005, when it released 150 greyhounds to Colorado-based dog transporter Richard Favreau. Nearly all of those dogs later disappeared. According to records, Fasulo knew beforehand that Favreau's transport license had already been suspended by Colorado racing officials, after he'd been caught selling dogs for research without permission from their owners.

 Sounds like a little muck raking there reporter Tim. We're sure the situation was more complicated than that. Will you give Mr. Fasulo a chance to defend himself?

When we called Fasulo to ask about the Favreau scandal, he quickly hung up.

Oh. Uh, well on the bright side he's already smarter that Tom Taylor  who every time he opened his mouth just convinced more people that TGP was a hellhole and he was a monster, so, things are looking up right Wanderer?

I am a laid-back, gentle boy. I was trained in the prison system and can sit, down, and wait. I do stairs very well and love to get brushed and petted. I love attention and will follow you around, but can also be left home alone for long periods without trouble. I am well-mannered and will do great in a home with older children. You need to keep garbage closed up as I will try to get into it. When my foster mom puts my food down, I wait until I hear “OK” and then I will approach the bowl. I am good with stairs. I ride in car OK, but I am unsteady because I don’t want to lay down. I mind well. I really like to run in the yard. I will sit for a treat and lay down. You can touch my feet and body with no problems. I love to be brushed and get my ears cleaned. I am really not very interested in playing with toys. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

After What Happened To The Egyptians Just Be Glad All He Did Was Lay You Off

Frequent readers of this blog have probably begun to question their priorities of late...erm...we mean probably recall the occasional post on our adventures in the church catholic. Yes we were conscripted into Peter's Posse at an early age, yet in spite of the years of theological calisthenics at Sunday mass, and in spite of eventually gaining enough proficiency with Latin to call an entire CYO inter-church basketball game in god's own tongue (Ille propagines...Ipse Turpis!! Vinco Catulis!! Vinco Catulis!!) eventually the whole body and blood of Christ thing really began to creep us out. Add to that the fact that we spent most of every fall selling 29 cent plastic statues of the Virgin Mary (made in Taiwan) for five bucks until we met our nun assigned quota and were deemed once again worthy of salvation, and the seeds of our discontent were sown. The final insult came in sixth grade though when our very first dog, Tuffy died and we sought solace in mother church. Morn not, we were told. Dogs don't have souls, so no harm no foul. So, thinks us, not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without god knowing about it, but apparently he just records the information so he can send a clean up crew. That's the point at which we walked.

We tell you this bilingual tale of  woe to establish our bona fides for commenting on the fact the the erstwhile pope red shoes has popped up like a Kardashian whenever a camera flash goes off  and he's got a reason for his withdrawal from toiling in the vineyards of the blessed: god told him.

Former Pope Benedict has said he resigned after "God told me to" during what he called a "mystical experience", a Catholic news agency reported.

Now, we've commented before on the rather slippery doctrine of papal infallibility so we can almost accept the whole, I thought I knew what I was doing, but it turns out not so much theory that you have going there, but at the risk of incurring a haunting by the ghost of our sixth grade catechism teacher Sister place your hand flat on the desk Arnulfa we have to ask how you explain that the big G put you in that job in the first place. We mean, if anybody in this picture is infallible it has to be him.

And what's this "mystical experience" thing? You were sitting in your apartment one day and suddenly the TV starts talking to you? And it's not even on. And what did the big guy say anyway? "Bene, I know I said you had this gig for life, but times change, you know and I feel we just need to move in a different direction. Now, let's talk severance."

According to Italian media, Benedict's decision to step down was influenced by the various scandals that blighted his eight-year papacy, including the arrest of his personal butler for leaking private documents alleging corruption in the Vatican.

Yeah. Well, there is that.

Rory Goree! Motto: Words Is Hard

We're coming to you today from the Projection Booth here in the marbled (if somewhat cobwebby) halls of IM Central. The Projection Booth is located just behind the office of I Know You Are But What Am I which is in the Kruger-Dunning wing.

It seems long time friend of the blog, roustabout scientist and dedicated civil servant Rory Goree has taken to the intertoobz to opine on the nature of professionalism, propriety and transparency. We know, you're thinking isn't this the guy who had to publicly apologize for making fun of a woman who had been in a near fatal accident? Yeah, well see, when you're a classless, misogynistic twit and you let everybody know it by making public statements like that, it's being transparent, you know? Gives the dude some street cred for his post.

And speaking of his post, let's go see what the G man is on about today.

We all know “humane advocate protectors” hide the truth about themselves, their real identities or their agenda from public scrutiny as they troll for comments from anyone that is against them or questions their activities and actions.

OK we're going to have to stop you right there Rory--may we call you Rory? Or would you prefer Commissioner Goree, since your vast experience and expertise have landed you a coveted position with the Arizona Department of Racing? Anyway, as professional educational technicians we feel obligated to point out that grammatically a "humane advocate protector" is someone who protects humane advocates. Now we see you've put that term in quotes throughout your post which tells us that you put a lot of thought into coming up with it, and you're quite proud of your efforts. If only you could have made it to that sixth grade English class and learned about modifiers...

But let's get back to our story, shall we? The rest of the paragraph is a list of rhetorical questions vaguely casting aspersions on an unnamed anti-racing group (wink Grey2K wink) and since The Big G is writing only to people who already agree with him, he can be pretty sure the questions will be answered the way he intends, thus saving him the effort of having to come up with that pesky evidence.

Probably it occurs to you that attacking the character of an organization through innuendo while not even having the courage to name said organization is not a very professional thing to do in a post on professionalism, but that's just because you have missed the sophistication of Overlord Goree's argument. See the first part was just chum to draw the like minded in. Now that everyone is soaking in a fine soup of delusional indignity he unleashes his Call To Action:

Fellow lovers of the greyhound breed, it is time to stop the “humane advocate protectors” who do not use their donations to assist a single greyhound, yet hide behind thousands of greyhounds in order to collect donations that pay their salaries and expenses and to spread their agenda yet continue to claim anyone against them profits from greyhounds.

For those of you keeping score at home that is a 57 word sentence with more subjects than the overlords have excuses when people find out how they're actually taking "care" of the dogs, but let's not quibble because it's the last 14 words that bring the whole muddled collection of baling wire and duct tape crashing to the ground. This unnamed (wink Grey2K wink) group claims those against them profit from greyhounds, but isn't that the whole point of greyhound racing, to, you know, profit from greyhounds? Are you saying you really don't profit from greyhounds and this unnamed (wink Grey2K wink) group is making false claims impugning your character and the character of your fellow overlords? Actually, now that we think of it, you may have a point about the whole no profit thing.

 We're going to have to admit to a little confusion here Gster. Can you help us out?

Continue to demand accountability and transparency from the “humane advocate protectors” and do it as the professional individuals you are. Stop them from using your words to play on the public for donations.

Ah, we get it. Accountability. So that means no more playing keep away with injury reports, right? And transparency. That means no more trying to make public documents unpublic, right? We got you now dude. Thanks for clearing that up.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, when we were putting the slip covers over the furniture and canceling the newspaper subscription here in the marbled halls of IM central, we really planned to walk away from our weekly trips to Overlandia. We mean, it is pretty obvious to anyone with the brains god gave wallpaper that greyhound racing is on the way out. Even some of the more sentient overlords are becoming aware that exploiting the innocent nature of the dogs to support their tick-like existence is coming to an end.

In fact, it's gotten so obvious that injuring and killing dogs for profit is a dead end scenario that even governments are getting involved. You've got to figure when a legislator, who usually spends his time protecting us from Sharia law, or Agenda 21 or making sure women have permission to make decisions about their bodies gets around to noticing your industry is a boil on the buttocks of society,  your contribution to the betterment of civilization has dropped somewhere just below the level of brain eating amoebas.

And when that state is West Virginia (motto: We Couldn't Even Come Up With A New Name For Our State) well, let's just say if there's anyone left on the planet that doesn't recognize the inherent barbarity, cruelty and inhumanity of your "sport" they have to be named either Gary Guccione, or Rory Goree.

So when we read that the state of West Virginia had finally decided that perhaps maybe it could be possible that conceivably greyhounds needed a little protection from the unique care and training practices of the overlords, we were intrigued and wondered what might be the source of this sudden epiphany.

Turns out there were three reasons: James Grace, James Bloom and Christopher Bever. Now, we here at IM Central can neither confirm, nor deny that Mr. Grace and Mr. Bloom have actual degrees in Veterinary Medicine, but we can certify that they have a rather unique way of treating greyhounds who happen to have broken a bone while providing the aforementioned individuals with trailer payments: aspirin. Mr. Bever, on the other hand employs some rather esoteric leash training methods which--and we apologize for having to use sophisticated dog training vocabulary here--are called jerk on the dog's leash and hit it in the face. You can see a video of Mr. Bever's work here.

Now we're sure some of you at home are thinking that seems like a pretty heartless way to treat a living creature, and that just shows how little you know about  the state of the art medical procedures and training techniques used by the overlords--who by the way care very deeply about their furry charges and view them as members of the family.

Luckily we have Sam Burdette with the West Virginia Greyhound Owners and Breeders Association to explain:

"All of a sudden you can have a dog fight there's nothing worse in the world than a dog fight. So, he acted quick, and a little bit rough I thought, but I understand why he reacted so quick. You're showing the dog what you want the dog to do and that's the way you handle dogs and the only way you can handle dogs.”

 So there you have it. A complete, succinct distillation of the training philosophies of  Victoria Stillwell, Paul Owens, Cesar Millan and Graham Bloem--if they were all on crack. Mr. Burdette, who by the way looks like the love child of the Stay Puft man and Mitch Mcconell, does admit that some people may not understand these highly technical procedures and he assured the public that he had "gratitude for the dogs that earn my living.”

Aspirins and gratitude, huh Major. Boy, it doesn't get much better than that. What's a slap in the face or a strained neck when you got all that going for you?

Major is a very happy and curious boy. He is on the go quite a bit as he has so much to investigate and learn about living in a home for the first time. Major is very friendly and loves to be around people. He loves to play with toys and is housebroken. Major will follow his foster mom and human foster sister around the house. He gets along with cats and large dogs but hasn't had a chance to meet any small dogs yet.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Dancing Dave Gregory Learns A New Step

We're coming to you today from the Cognitive Dissonance Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The CDD is a division of the No Self Awareness Here Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Cluelessness Isn't A Bug It's A Feature, Inc.

It seems that recently Dancing With The Stars wannabe David Gregory invited Glenn Greenwald, a real journalist, to come on Meet (NBC's Poor Excuse For) The Press to discuss the Edward Snowden affair. Now, if you watch the video below, you'll see that Greenwald has to give Dim bulb Dave the questions he should be asking (Pro Tip: Davey, you're a tall guy. Maybe you should do your interviews standing up, that way not as much stuff would go over your head) but instead of something important, or even germane, we get a basically meaningless question about breaking the law. Hey Dave, that's why we have Whistleblower protection programs so people will come forward with information about wrongdoing even if it means a law gets broken and especially if it is about wrongdoing in government where there is much more likely to be a law protecting the wrongdoers, so getting Greenwald to admit Snowden broke the law? Not really a coup, if you know what we mean--and you probably don't.

Anyway, then Dave the Dumb shows us that he has no idea what journalists do, no real understanding of the law, or pretty much anything else that doesn't have a snappy downbeat when he asks why Greenwald shouldn't be accused of "aiding and abetting" Snowden.

In just under a minute Greenwald explains  what a journalist does, why it matters and basically why the dancing ditzo isn't one. The video ends there so we don't get a chance to hear Gregory's response, but we're betting it wasn't along the line of "Thanks for clearing the up Mr. Greenwald."


Hey Dave, as long as we're talking about aiding and abetting, why shouldn't you be charged with aiding and abetting war criminals when you had people like Darth Cheney and his posse on your show and asked them hard hitting questions like how big will the mushroom cloud be if we don't invade countries that had nothing to do with 9/11? Why shouldn't you be charged with aiding and abetting the destruction of the Fourth Amendment when you have some of the Big Brother crowd on your show and ask them probing questions like can you tell us why the people who think PRISM is illegal are Muslim sympathizers?

Truth is, while you've been sitting on your well compensated butt stroking the powers, people like Greenwald have been out there trying to do the job journalists are supposed to be doing. There's a reason this story broke in the foreign press dude, and it ain't because you were away from your desk when Snowden called.

BREAKING: Pope Admits There Are Gays In The Vatican; In Other News, Air Necessary For Breathing

Frequent readers of this blog have had to settle for Gilligan's Island reruns lately--on the Spanish channel...erm...we mean will recall that as formerly bad catholics who have since fallen away completely we often opine on matters ecclesiastical. Sometimes even in god's native tongue (Catuli rursus decesserit! Hui excrementum!) We do this as a public service for all of you out there in the whack churches because we feel it should be made very clear to you why you'll end up as a shish kabob on Satan's grill. You're welcome.

Now, we've been silent on the subject of Pope 2.0 up until now because we figured about all the cardinals would let him get away with was replacing ossobuco alla milanese with refogado in the vatican cafeteria. So imagine our surprise when we pick up today's copy of The Vatican Inquisitor and read:

Pope Francis acknowledged the presence of a “gay lobby” and “a current of corruption” in the Vatican, according to a summary of private remarks to the leadership of a Latin American church group, an acknowledgment that appears to confirm reports that the Vatican denied in February.

First of all, saying something is true in private that you said was false in public, that's going to get you a yellow card as a technical violation of Number Nine on Yahweh's Big Ten. Then we have the "gay lobby"--which we note with some regret is not referred to as the gay mafia--and the "current of corruption" which we are going to assume is separate from the "gay lobby." Man, you guys are starting to sound more like the Evangelicals than god's homies.

And why a gay lobby? What are they lobbying for? Do we want to know? Maybe between the pervs doinking the choirboys and the horndogs getting themselves to the nunnery the Nancy boys wanted some...er...equal time. Just wantin' them a little piece of that James 2:10 action there el popo. Word.

Now, since the church has already blamed all their troubles on the 60's we're thinking that must be when they first got caught in the "current" and have been swept helplessly along, struggling waifs in the tsunami of sex, drugs and rock and roll, all of which were in the curricula of seminaries and convents back then. Remember Woodstock? Organized by the Order of St. Francis. For serious.

In the days leading up to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation in February, the Italian news media were rife with reports of a “gay lobby” influencing papal decision-making and Vatican policy through blackmail, and suggestions that the scandal had contributed to his decision to resign.

OK we like the blackmail part because that totally fits with the church's philosophy for inducing moral behavior (Hey pubescents. Better not let the lord catch you spanking the monkey or 70 years from now when you kick off it's Camp Satan for you!) but that whole gay's influencing Bene's decisions doesn't pass the water to wine test. We mean, here's a guy who spent most of his tenure trying to return the church to the 13th century and we gotta believe number one on the gay agenda is more rhinestones on the vestments. And accent colors. Come on man, queer eye for the holy guy, right?

The Vatican had denounced the Italian media reports as defamatory, “unverified, unverifiable or completely false.”

Ah, denying in public what you admit in private. So there are timeless truths in the church's teachings after all.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Law and Order Department here in the semi-abandoned halls of IM Central. The LOD is a unit of the That's For Us To Know And You To Find Out Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of NCIS (Naming Cruelties In Secret).

It seems three overlords have gotten themselves into a bit of a sticky wicket with the local Gendarmes.

Three men associated with greyhound racing in West Virginia were recently reprimanded for neglecting or abusing dogs. The board of judges at the Wheeling Island racetrack punished all three in separate hearings during April and May...

 Reprimanded huh? We were reprimanded once after we squirted Cindy McMahon in the coat room before class one day in eighth grade. The whole situation arose because we had feelings for Cindy, but lacked the requisite linguistic experience to express them in an appropriate manner. Plus, Dale brought his squirt gun to school that day so we thought actions speak louder than words, why not? Father Simmons did not see the logic of our position and sentenced us to one week of blackboard cleaning. This after confiscating the aforementioned squirt gun and subjecting it to a ritual burning in the Rectory office.  Never were able to make that connection with Cindy. Heard through the grapevine that she actually liked Dale. Women! Go figure.

Well, the point of the story is, aside from some potential lung damage from inhaling chalk dust, and the hit our allowance took because we had to replace Dale's squirt gun, we came through our reprimand pretty much no worse for wear, and we suspect that due to the long history of wrist slapping and wet noodle spanking the industry usually doles out to overlords caught taking creative action to adjust their inventories, the same is going to be true of our three current miscreants. So what exactly is the nature of the great hammer of righteousness the judges are bringing down on the heads of these hapless clowns? No TV for a month? Mow the lawn? Do the dishes? Don't pick your nose in public, what?

The three men are James Bloom, James Grace and Christopher Bever. Grace and Bever lost their operating permits, while Bloom's permit was suspended for six months, according to the rulings.

Holy crap! The death penalty for Grace and Bever and six months hard time for Bloom. That's some serious reprimanding right there don't you know. That's reprimanding like nuclear bombs in the living room are disrupting, like fire ants crawling up your nose are vexing, like having Rick Santorum for a neighbor is disquieting, like...OK you get the picture. Man! These guys must have done some weapons grade "neglecting or abusing." This has got to be Ronnie Williams level stuff, Ursula O'Donnel bad, or Ritt and Steinman, you know, just off the charts evil. Man, we almost don't want to keep reading. We just know when you tell us what they did it's going to depress us for a week at least, but people need to know what happens to greyhounds when they are no more than a means to an end. If we're ever going to end their suffering we have to shine a light into the darkest corners of the industry, so we're talking a deep breath. OK, go on. What did these guys do that got two of them the ultimate punishment?

The rulings state Bloom, Grace and Bever abused, neglected or generally mistreated dogs but provide no further details about the actual transgressions.

Oh, we knew it was going to be bad, but...wait, what?

The commission provided no details about the actual incidents that led to the punishment...

 Ralph Brehm, presiding judge at the board of judges in Wheeling, said he was not allowed to talk about the cases. "Well, actually I could talk about it if I wanted," he added. "But I was drunk through most of the hearings so I don't really remember much. Did we find them guilty?"

Jon Amores, Racing Commission executive director, said there could have been witnesses to the incidents, or the judge could have viewed violations, Amores said. The commission typically doesn't keep any paper record of those witness statements at this level of the reprimanding process...

When asked if no records was standard procedure, Amores said, "Hey, writing is hard, man. First you have to find some paper and then a pencil. And what if the pencil needs to be sharpened, huh? Who's gonna do that? And don't even get me started on spelling and grammar.  Besides, writing means a record somewhere. We don't want records floating around. If people found out what really goes on at a track they'd shut us down in a week. There's a reason we don't let outsiders in the kennel, you know? We may be cruel and heartless, but we're not stupid. OK, some of us are stupid too, but that's not my point right now."

There might be paperwork if someone appealed a ruling. Amores said...

Umm...Let us get this straight. There's no paperwork now, but if someone appeals there may be paperwork? Is this like Schrodinger's paperwork that both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. You'll have to explain that to us, we were never good at physics. What about you Iceman, what quantum state are you in?

Iceman is a very sweet and friendly boy. He loves to be around people. Iceman wags his tail a lot because he is so happy to finally be in a home. He is interested in his reflection in the mirror because he sees such a handsome boy staring back. He seeks out attention from the foster family, loves to go for walks and does  really well on the leash. He can live with kitties and dogs his size but has not yet met any small dogs. Iceman is trying to learn to go up and down the stairs but hasn't exactly got the hang of it yet. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hello America and all the ships at sea! We're coming to you today from the It's Only A Problem If You Know About It Department here in the marbled (if somewhat dusty from lack of use) halls of IM Central. The IOAPIYKAI Department is part of the What You Don't Know Won't Hurt Us Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Trust Us On This, LLC.

Ah, Friday Hound Blogging. Truth be told we've missed our weekly visits to the overlords, or as we like to call them, high colonic residue with faces. Well, it seems while we were off getting our serious on, the Posse Commodatatis seems to have developed a social conscience and is taking on one of the burning political questions of our age.

The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and other animal rights groups are up in arms over a bill introduced in the New Hampshire legislature that would require any persons recording cruelty to livestock to report the animal abuse and submit the recordings to law enforcement authorities within 24 hours of the video’s creation. The HSUS claims that New Hampshire House Bill (HB) 110 would impose a “gag” on whistleblowers trying to expose animal cruelty. In fact, there is nothing in the bill that prohibits the shooting of undercover video, or imposes penalties for doing so.

Right. Except that forcing videos to be turned in within 24 hours would effectively destroy any chance the filming organization might have to demonstrate the practice was ongoing and not an anomaly (which is what you know the farm, or puppy mill, or greyhound kennel owners would say) plus providing a warning to the offending organization in time for them to appear to clean up their act.

But other than destroying one of your most effective weapons against abusers, what's your beef HSUS? (Get it? Beef? See because they're probably vegetarians like all communists. We crack us up.)

For years, extreme animal rights organizations have used “undercover videos” to hype animal cruelty allegations against targeted animal enterprises, including greyhound racing. Often, these groups shoot video over a period of days, weeks or even months before reporting the abuse to authorities, if they report it at all.

 OK, as trained rhetorical language user people we'd like to unleash a little of our exegesical semantical mojo on this here passage. We are professionals. Do not try this at home.

First of all, what does it say about the existential emptiness of the writer's soul that he or she would believe that animal cruelty has to be "hyped," as if by itself it is a subject no more worthy of our attention than reporting the Cubs have lost. Again.  And of course the accusations of cruelty are only "alleged" against "targeted animal enterprises," all of which is meant to inject a sizable element of doubt into the whole issue without having to actually deny the allegations because, you know, "alleged" means maybe, maybe not, and "targeted" moves the issue from the act to the organization because there's some sort of personal vendetta type thing going on here and it's not really about animals dying all over the place. And isn't "animal enterprise" an interesting way to phrase what a CAFO, or a greyhound kennel is? Makes the whole thing sound harmless. Like calling a slaughter house an abattoir, oui?

Which brings us to the last sentence, perhaps the most interesting of the lot. It's almost like the author wrote the main clause, then realized what it implied and tried to pull it out of the fire with the closing if conditional. Dear Mr. or Ms. Writer: It didn't work. If groups can find enough abuse going on to shoot it over "a period of days, weeks or even months" then you got some abuse going on there, honey and that's the name of that tune. To imply that they may not report it--how to say this politely--makes Glenn Beck look like a Rhodes Scholar.

Greyhound racing organizations have encouraged anyone who has witnessed abuse or neglect of greyhounds to report it to the National Greyhound Association (NGA), the American Greyhound Council (AGC), or the American Greyhound Track Operators Association (AGTOA). Responsible animal welfare advocates know that these organizations respond quickly and efficiently when action is needed to ensure the welfare of racing greyhounds.

Well, that's all nice sounding and stuff, but it's awful hard for anyone to witness greyhound abuse or neglect WHEN YOU WON"T LET THEM IN THE KENNEL! And another thing, who are these "Responsible animal welfare advocates" of which you speak? You never identify them. They only exist in your head, right? Come on, you can tell us.

HumaneWatch the online animal rights watchdog explains that “sitting around and splicing footage over a few months” can make isolated incidents look like constant practice.

Dude, if you have enough "incidents" that you can splice them together over months, then you got yourself a "constant practice." See, "isolated means like, isolated, you know, as in not many happening. Hope we cleared that up for you.

OK, now we're coming to the big finish:

New Hampshire’s HB110 wouldn’t prevent anyone from shooting undercover video or using it for media and fundraising purposes.

Wait for it...

It’s very telling that HSUS, ASPCA and so many other animal rights groups are lining up against this legislation. They don’t want to stop animal abuse at all; they simply want to exploit it to grab headlines and raise money.

Now, what we have here is what's called your basic internal inconsistency,  or, as the overlords call it, We Were Dropped On Our Heads Too Often As Children. Explains a lot, huh PG?

PG is very relaxed and independent. He gets along well with children and adults. He enjoys the cats and dogs that are in the foster home and loves to be petted. PG needs to work on his leash habits because he pulls a little bit. He can go up and down the stairs. PG is a typical Greyhound that likes to curl up on the bed and takes nice long naps. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

HeyO!

We're over at The Stolen Lantern today stroking our beards and getting all serious like. Come on by.

Dave Agema! Motto: I Am Not Over Compensating

OK, we've got this guy here in Michigan named Dave Agema, which we know sounds like some sort of skin condition. "The tests are back Mr. Maximus and it looks like Homofrightis Agema. The antibiotic resistant version."

Yeah, well he's a former state legislator who's now a "Republican National Committeeman" which is sort of like being a conductor on the crazy train, or maybe one of the activities directors for Loon Cruise Lines, or a booking agent for Bizzarro Air, or...well, the point is it takes a special person to stand out as a flaming bonkizoid in a room where flaming bonkizoid is the theme of the decor.

Fun Fact: When he was in the Michigan legislature, Agema missed crucial votes on tax hikes in 2007 by virtue of the fact that he was in Siberia killing a goat because Manly! This earned him the sobriquet "Goat Killer."

Now, Mr. Agema has a history of making vile, hurtful and bigoted statements, most of which are unencumbered by the thought process. We thought that was a requirement for the job, but apparently we were wrong because Agema's latest foray into social commentary has provoked a backlash of sorts. But before you get all up on Mt. Sinai there and start telling us this is just another example of a poor christian man being hounded by godless liberals, or worse, democrats because he has taken the lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior, you can just put that thought out of your mind because this isn't about trying to bring the sweet gospel of heterosex to the masses as Jesus commanded the Apostles when he said "Thou shalt go forth and tag some booty, but whosoever shall be favoring the show tunes shall be an abomination before the Father." (Budweiser 6:12)

No, this isn't about the loving god at all, this is about science so we probably don't have to tell you the people most concerned about this latest outbreak of Republicanus Bigotitus are the republicans themselves because, you know, science and republicans go together like corn stalks and B2 bombers. Besides, when liberals read what Agema wrote they were all like, "A republican says something offensive and inaccurate? Must be a day that ends in Y."

As you might expect, Mr. Agema was not about to...uh...bend over and take it, so he  took to the airwaves to defend himself. Unfortunately the only airwaves he could find were those belonging to a guy who runs a radio station out of his fallout shelter in Michigan's upper peninsula. This is sort of like taking out an ad in the personals section of the Lonelyville New York Daily Chronicle and Advertiser because only 18 people live in the UP anyway and just six of them have radios.

Fun fact #2: During the interview between Agema and the radio host is was revealed that 10 years ago we didn't have bisexuals. What say you now David Bowie, and Leonard Bernstein, and Cary Grant?

We know what we say: 

Carson/Agema 2016!