BREAKING: Bush Threatens To Hold Breath Until Iran Restarts Nuclear Weapons Program

You know, sometimes it must suck to be president. Just when you think you've got ways to convince people that we should be fighting a meaningless war in a unnecessary place figured out and you're ready to do it all again, someone goes and harshes your mellow.

President Bush got the world's attention this fall when he warned that a nuclear-armed Iran might lead to World War III. But after the world made a few calls and got the president's medication changed, things returned to normal.

It turns out though, that his stark warning came at least a month or two after he had first been told about fresh indications that Iran had actually halted its nuclear weapons program. "What? You think he understands something the first time we tell him?" said one White House aide who asked not to be named, "We're still trying to explain to him why he can't wear a flight suit and land on carrier decks anymore. God bless him, he really enjoyed that."

The new intelligence report not only undercut the administration's wild eyed, spittle flecked totally bonkizoid rhetoric over Iran's nuclear ambitions, but could also throttle Bush's effort towards more unnecessary death and destruction before the end of his presidency, which by the way, is 412 days away. "And that's really the disappointing part," said one of the three Bush supporters left in the country. "I mean, the guy is one war away from the record books. What other US president could say they started not one, but two meaningless, useless, unwinnable wars?"

"It's a little head-spinning," said Daniel Benjamin, an official on President Bill Clinton's National Security Council. "Everybody's going to be trying to scratch their heads and figure out what comes next."

Umm...we've got a suggestion: Rationality? Hey, we've tried clown-wonk for seven years, what could it hurt?

Bush administration officials who had not resigned yet said the report vindicated their concerns because it concluded that Iran did have a nuclear weapons program until halting it in 2003 and it showed that U.S.-led diplomatic pressure had succeeded in forcing Tehran's hand. "If we hadn't been telling you for the last four years that they had a program that they didn't have, who knows what they would have had," said national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley.

Hadley disagreed that the report showed that past administration statements have been wrong, noting that, "When you're lying, and you know you're lying, and you choose to lie, then you're not wrong. Delusional? Criminally culpable? Sure, but wrong? No way."

Hadley noted that collecting intelligence on a "hard target" such as Iran is notoriously difficult. "Welcome to the real world," he said. At that point the press conference had to be halted as Mr. Hadley's head exploded.

Later, he defended Bush's World War III reference and repeated it himself during a briefing, saying if the world wants to avoid an Iranian bomb and "having to use force to stop it with all the connotations of World War III, then we need to step up the diplomacy." At that point paramedics had to be called because Mr. Hadley's head exploded again.

Critics should be careful not to dismiss the threat, Hadley added, his voice muffled by the bandages, pointing to Iran's continued enrichment of uranium, which could eventually be used to assist a weapons program. "I'm sure some people will use this as an excuse or a pretext for, you know, moving towards peace," he said. "But we still believe we have a better than 50/50 chance to bomb them before this administration is over."

"While I was in the administration, I saw intelligence march up the hill and down the hill in short periods of time with no reason for them to change their mind," said John R. Bolton, Bush's former ambassador to the United Nations. "I've never based my view on intelligence. In fact I try to stay away from intelligence in all its forms, and if you look I my career I think you'll agree I've been pretty successful at it."

Republican candidates, who have expressed their readiness to attack Iran if needed to stop it from obtaining nuclear weapons, or Walmarts remained largely silent. "My guy thought we had already invaded Iran," said an aide to Senator Fred Thompson. Mayor Guiliani's campaign issued a statement that said the Mayor had personally gone to Iran and ended their weapons program as part of his defense of the country after 9/11. Mitt Romney said if elected president he would personally strap Ahmadinejad to the top if his car and drive around until Iran ended its nuclear program.

According to reports in the Washington Post and the New York Times, Democratic candidates for president Edwards, Clinton and Obama responded by respectively getting a hair cut, showing a little booby, and denying they were muslim.

Ambassador. Take This Message To Your President: Yo' Momma

We're coming to you today from the Department of Unfortunate Metaphors, a subsidiary of the Sleeping in History Class Corporation. Iran's policies of standing up to the United States have set off a "powerful bomb in the world of politics" bigger than the atom bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said.

The comments, carried by state television and radio, come amid prolonged tension between Washington and Tehran over Iran's nuclear program. Umm...Supreme Leader? Ali? Dude. You don't want to be reminding our current president of times we dropped the bomb on folks. See, the chances are pretty good he thinks Hiroshima is a sushi dish.

See, SL, here's the deal. You're trying to get a nuclear program, we have one. Now, normally that would be the place to start a discussion. You know, nuclear proliferation, incentives, disincentives, back and forth all that...whatdyacallit...diplomacy?

But these are not normal times. You may not have noticed, but currently the United States is governed by a team of individuals who, and we mean this in the best possible way, think shock and awe is a diplomatic initiative.

"Even Europeans are speechless before this oppressive America, but the Iranian nation by its actions and stances has placed a question mark over all the rules and principles of this oppressive power," Khamenei said.

Yeah yeah, that and a buck will buy you a cup of coffee when your country is glowing in the dark. Look, SL, we know you want nuclear weapons because you see North Korea has them and they didn't get invaded, but Iraq didn't and they did. It makes sense in a totally depressing and frightening sort of way, but you have to remember you're dealing with an alcoholic, drug addict spoiled rich kid who's broken everything he's touched. Somebody has to be the adult here, that's all we're saying.

U.S. and Iranian officials are due to hold a rare face-to-face meeting on May 28 in Baghdad. But both sides say the talks will focus on Iraqi security, not other issues.

Oh, yay. Now we're getting somewhere.

Washington accuses Tehran of fueling the violence in Iraq a charge Tehran dismisses. Iran blames the U.S. occupying forces for the bloodshed. Yeah, right. OK, what we want to know is who's momma is ugly?

Sherman Williams Supports Terrorists

Forget this taking criminals and high school drop outs, we need to sign us up some of the home boys that are into tagging.

A commander in Iran's Revolutionary Guards said Wednesday that a commando unit has engraved the military organization's emblem into the side panel of an American warship stationed in the Persian Gulf. "Yeah, man, those dawgs in the navy, they're all like, 'don't come by here homey', and we're all like Dude, what's that over there? It's Osama bin Laden! Go look!" said the commander explaining how the operation was carried out.

Nur Ali Shushkari, the head of the Revolutionary Guards ground forces, told Iranian pro-government news agencies that the symbol was etched onto the ship by the crew of a submarine that had managed to reach the U.S. vessel without detection by radar. "See, we like wrapped our sub in this foamy stuff that Ibrahim got at the Home Depot. The Americans thought we were just some guys on an inner tube that had floated away from the beach."

Shushkari warned the United States that if a confrontation arises, all American forces in the gulf as well as targets inside the U.S. itself would be targets for attack. "There won't be a bare space anywhere in the world safe from us," he said.

Despite this, U.S. President George Bush has insisted that the American army has no plans to invade Iran. "If we capture the people who did this, they will have to clean it off, however," a white house spokesperson told reporters.

You'll Be Relieved To Know We've Just Signed A Non-agression Pact With DKNY

We're coming to you today from the My Boss is a Jerk department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. MBIAJ is a wholly owned subdivision of the What Do You Want From Me? Corporation.

It seems there is a little bit of a dust up going on over who got us into war with Iran by being a total dipwad. Not at war with Iran you say? Ha! What do you know? You're too busy looking through Anna's Death Fridge!

Controversy over a possible missed U.S. opportunity for rapprochement with Iran grew on Wednesday as former aide accused Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice of misleading Congress on the issue. "I have to believe, if the letter had come in a shoe box, she'd have paid more attention to it," said Flynt Leverett, former aide to Secretary Rice.

The proposal was transmitted in May 2003 by the Swiss ambassador in Tehran, Tim Guldimann, who represented U.S. interests there. "I was told to place the proposal in a Ralph Lauren shopping bag," Guildman said. "I never did understand that."

"That is just completely unfair to the Secretary," said an aide. "I can vouch for the fact that she knows the difference between a shopping bag and a diplomatic pouch. Of course if they're both in the same room you know it's some assistant who's going to have to deal with the pouch, but hey she's single, getting a little older, and she just needs to feel hot from time to time."

Speaking at a conference on Capitol Hill, Leverett said he was confident the Iranian proposal was seen by Rice and then-Secretary of State Colin Powell but "the administration rejected the overture. And by 'administration,' I mean Rice, who told us at the time she was speaking for her husband."

Rice's spokesman denied she misled Congress and reiterated that she did not see the proposal. "I can categorically confirm that all the time her and Secretary Powell discussed the Iranian proposal, she never, not even once looked at it."

Undersecretary of State Nicholas Burns stressed there was still time for diplomacy before Iran reached a critical point in its nuclear capability and said conflict with Iran was not inevitable. "But for crying out loud Ahmadinejad, call us, will you? Connie can't even find her car keys most of the time, let alone a letter."

Testifying before a U.S. Congress committee, Rice said about Leverett's previous public comments on the Iranian proposal: "I don't know what Flynt Leverett's talking about. And by the way Senator, that's very attractive tie. Yves Saint Laurent?"

We Don't Like The Way Your Nine Is Looking At Us

Oh, it's on now Abahmazza...Abinozorin...Abizaribad...oh, heck, Evil Arab Guy. Well, OK, technically, Evil Persian Guy, but who's counting. Anyway, you've got your big brown bahookey in a sling now, boy because WE'VE GOT THE SERIAL NUMBERS!!!1!!

In a news briefing held under strict security in the lobby of the local Wendy's, officials spread out on two small tables an E.F.P. and an array of mortar shells and rocket-propelled grenades, and several Frostys with visible serial numbers that the officials said link the weapons directly to Iranian arms factories. When asked why the Iranians would be stupid enough to put traceable serial numbers on weapons they intended to sneak into Iraq and use against American forces, the official said he wasn't sure. "But look at that seven. Is that a threatening seven, or what? That's an Islamic fundamentalist anti-American seven if I've ever seen one."

The officials also asserted that Iranian leaders had authorized smuggling those weapons into Iraq for use against the Americans. The officials said such an assertion was an wild guess based on general orders from the president. That guess, and the anonymity of the officials who made it, seemed likely to generate skepticism among those suspicious that the Bush administration is trying to find a scapegoat for its problems in Iraq, and perhaps even trying to bamboozle the American people into a war with Iran.

When pressed on the credentials and expertise of those making these guesses, administration officials made reference to the team that put together Secretary Powell' s UN presentation and the special Office of Faith Based Foreign Policy.

The officials were repeatedly pressed on why they insisted on anonymity in such an important matter. A senior United States military official gave a partial answer, saying that without anonymity, Captain Tuttle a senior Defense Department analyst who participated in the briefing could not have contributed.

“The reason we’re talking about this right now is the vast increase in the number of E.F.P.s being found,” one official said. American-led forces in Iraq, the official said, “are not trying to hype this up to be more than it is. Of course the rest of us are milking it for all it's worth.”

The officials said the E.F.P. weapons arrived in Iraq in the form of what they described as a “kit” containing high-grade metals and highly machined parts. Our intelligence points to a factory in some place called Revell, but we haven't located that area precisely yet.

Officials from the Faith Based Foreign Policy Office asserted without specific evidence that the Iranian security apparatus, called the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps - Quds Force controlled delivery of the materials to Iraq. And in a further completely unsubstatiated wild guess, the officials asserted that the Quds Force could be involved only with Iranian government complicity. "At least that's vice president Cheney's opinion," one official told reporters. "You want to tell him different?"

The precise machining of E.F.P. components, the officials said, also links the weapons to Iran. “We have no evidence that this has ever been done in Iraq,” the senior military official said. "And since Iran is the only country in the area that hates us, it has to be them," he added.

And Now, Our Resident Expert...

You know, it's a complicated world. And in a complicated world you need to be able to rely on clear headed analysis from trusted, experienced sources. Which is why we're going to sleep well tonight after having read the Reuter's article with the headline Attacking Iran Would Be A Disaster.

Ya Think?

Among the unintended consequences of an attack on Iran, the report said, would be to bolster the position of hardliners in Iran. It could also inspire terrorist attacks in Western countries.

Wow. These guys are good.

Military action against Iran would have disastrous consequences, according to a report released on Monday by a coalition of British-based think-tanks, faith groups and others who urge a new diplomatic push to avert conflict. "Well, what with American Idol coming back on, we were afraid the Yanks might be distracted, so we thought we'd give it a go ourselves," said a spokesperson for one of the groups issuing the report.

The joint report by 17 organizations, including the Foreign Policy Center, Oxfam and the Muslim Council of Britain, Green Peace, the NFL and Wendy's, Inc. said an attack on Iran would, strengthen Iran's atomic ambitions, severely undermine hopes for stability in Iraq and damage global economic growth through higher oil prices. "The Iranians are using what we call it the North Korea strategy," said a spokesperson. "The idea is to try and out crazy Bush. It's a dangerous gambit."

"Our message today is simple," said Alex Bingham, Iran analyst at the Foreign Policy Center. "Despite the belligerence, despite the tension, despite Bush and Cheney, there is still time to talk to Iran."

The report received support from Sir Richard Dalton, Britain's ambassador to Tehran from 2002 to 2006, who said negotiation offered the best chance of ensuring Iran did not develop nuclear arms."We're not in the position of facing a clear and imminent threat now, which is what worries us because this is where we were with Iraq before Bush went in and accomplished his mission."

"The Iranians are extremely difficult to negotiate with ... but it should be possible to put an offer to them which they find very difficult to refuse," said White House Middle East Advisor, Tony Soprano.