Why Yes, I Would Like To Tell You About The Weather On My Planet

Whether you agree with president Bush's policies or not, there's one thing everybody can agree on: Nice guys finish last, but stupid guys become president...er...no...Sobriety isn't necessarily an improvement...wait...not that one...Leading the world's most powerful nation takes skill, talent and intelligence, but we elected Bush instead...aw...eh...What we mean to say is that we all can agree he's consistent. And while we're on the subject, if you do agree with president Bush's policies you're probably reading this as an orderly looks over your shoulder nervously glancing at his watch and wondering when your next Ziprasidone injection is.

But we digress.

Fresh from his triumphant tour of out of the way places in Africa where he finally found black people who might vote republican, if they spoke English, and if they were citizens, and if it weren't for the fact that they lived in Africa and had never heard of George Bush, our president has turned his considerable analytical skills on the upcoming presidential election.

Bet you never thought you'd see president Bush and considerable analytical skills in the same sentence, huh?

But we digress again.

President Bush predicted that voters will replace him with a Republican president who will "try to keep me out of jail. I'm confident we'll hold the White House in 2008," Bush told donors at the Republican Governors Association annual dinner. Several governors had to excuse themselves after coughing their beverages through their noses.

"And I don't want the next Republican president to be lonely," Bush said. "And that is why we got to take the House, retake the Senate, and make sure our states are governed by Republican governors. Plus I'm leaving Barney here when I move out." At that point a rumor went around the gathering that this was not president Bush at all, but Will Ferrall doing his comedy Bush impersonation.

He said Republicans still offer the bedrock positions that voters embrace: Sweetheart deals, pedophilia and mindless violence.

"When I say I'm confident, I am so because I understand the mentality of the American people," Bush said. "And I understand the mentality of our candidates. And there's no question in my mind, one of those groups is completely, howl at the moon bonkers. Well, maybe both,I mean, you guys made me your candidate and people out there voted for me."

"I believe the American people understand that success in Iraq is necessary for the long-term success of my legacy," Bush said. "And we will elect somebody to the White House who will help me find my pony."

About 1,400 people attended the event at the cavernous National Building Museum, where they dined on grilled shrimp, spring rolls, gumbo and crab cakes before the secret service forced them into an adjacent room to hear Bush.