In This Press Conference The Role Of The President Will Be Played By Arthur, The Talking Ficus

We don't think the president should be allowed to give a news conference in the middle of the day during the week unless he provides advanced warning enough for us to take the day off and select the proper drinking game format from the files. We take presidential news conferences seriously around the marbled halls.

Or, more specifically we take drinking our way through presidential news conferences seriously. OK, we take drinking seriously, which is why we were disappointed that we only got to read about the president's news conference with a glass of iced tea. See, the problem is, when you read this stuff sober, it gets in your head and if you forget yourself and actually try to make any sense of it. Well... But we serve you our reader(s) so, let's begin with the opening statement:

As president, my most solemn responsibility is to keep the American people safe. So I started a war and, on my orders, good men and women are now fighting everybody all over the place in Iraq. You know, I never really understood irony until I took this job.

I've given our troops in Iraq clear objectives. Not enough armored Humvees, vests and heck, not even enough soldiers, but objectives? I got that nailed.

Sometimes the debate over Iraq is cast as a disagreement between those who want to keep our troops in Iraq and those who want to bring our troops home, mostly because my administration has done everything in its power to cast it that way. I do love the either or stuff, makes being the decider much easier and leaves more time for vacations.

When we start drawing down our forces in Iraq, it will because I'm in Paraguay where there is no extradition...er...our military commanders (Who by then will be General Barney and Colonel Jenna) say the conditions on the ground are right, not because we need the troops for the war in Iran. Whoops, forget that.

The strategy I announced in January is whack, but who cares? I'm the president and there's nothing you can do about it.

Our top priority is to help the Iraqis protect their population while they still have some people left. We've launched an offensive in and around Baghdad to go after extremists, to buy more time for Iraqi forces to be infiltrated by the militias and to help normal life and civil society take root in communities and neighborhoods throughout the country. If by normal you mean a Mad Max movie.

Two months ago, in the supplemental appropriations bill funding our troops, Congress established 18 benchmarks to gauge the progress of the Iraqi government. Now I thought Benchmark was a bourbon, but Laura says it has something to do with whether we're winning the war or not. Like I know that stuff.

I know some in Washington would like us to start leaving Iraq now. And some outside of Washington, But I was elected by the people of the United States so I get to do what I want. The fight in Iraq is part of a broader struggle that I made up because Dick said we needed their oil. I like oil. Running an oil company was one of my favorite things that I failed at.

Nations throughout the Middle East have a stake in a stable Iraq. To protect our interests and show our commitment to our friends in the region...wait...who wrote that? We don't have any friends in the region. Dag! I gotta start reading these things ahead of time. Where was I?

We need to ensure that when U.S. forces do pull back, the terrorists and extremists cannot take control. Which means, very simply, when we leave most people will have to be dead.

And, now, I'd be glad to answer a few questions.

You read that part. We've got a few Benchmarks of our own to meet.