Monday, December 17, 2007

A Public Service Announcement From The Staff at Ironicus Maximus

Every once in a while we like to take a little time out from heaping boatloads o' funny on your scrawny reader behinds and do some good for the community. Other times we do this:

Now, you may wonder why this little piece of advice is relevant. You may say, "Ironicus, what would cause you to proffer such a suggestion as this?" You may inquire of your neighbor, "Neighbor, do you know Ironicus has advocated a totally panicked, spittle flecked, wild eyed flight from hearth and home?" To which your neighbor would reply "Ironicus? What's that?"

All worthy questions and deserving of answers, but time is of the essence here. That distant rumble you hear is the approach of Catastrophe. The Four Horsemen have been loosed; the seventh seal broken; Pandora's box has not only been opened, it has been turned upside down and shaken.

Ladies and gentlemen, George Bush has taken the measure of our economy...and pronounced it well.

Yes, Mr. WMD, Mr. Good Job Brownie, Mr. Iran has nukes, Mr. SCHIP is helping too many rich kids, Mr. We take care of our veterans, has applied his considerable analytic skills to the American economy and found it possessed of a strong "underpinning."

This can only mean one thing: Those unable to flee will be eaten by roving band of Jackals after the collapse.

Bush tried to position himself as an advocate for working families by taking aim at his favorite target: the Democratic Congress. "The Congress cannot take economic vitality for granted," Bush said. "Especially with someone like me in the White House. You think what I did to New Orleans was special? You ain't seen nothing yet."

"The most negative thing Congress can do in the face of economic uncertainty is to raise taxes on the American people," Bush said. "And by the American people I mean those who use private jets to go to the store for a pack of cigarettes."

Bush chose to highlight positive economic news, such as job growth. "People are working; productivity is high," Bush said. "Of course salaries are crap, and health benefits are disappearing faster than a page at a republican caucus, but hey, no plan is perfect."

"I just want to let you know we've got a strategy," the president said. "I developed it along with my Iraq strategy, my plan to rebuild New Orleans, and my policy for dealing with Iran."

Bush spoke at the Yak-A-Doo's restaurant inside a Holiday Inn. The White House wanted to keep the flavor of the local Rotary meeting and throw off the protesters, so there was no banner or backdrop. Bush was not even introduced because the people on the dais were all drunk; he just showed up, drawing a round of applause until the audience realized he wasn't the impressionist who had been scheduled as the luncheon entertainment.

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