Next Up: Carl Sagan Gets Sainthood

Hey, his Pradaness is back, no doubt to give us an update on what the the minions are doing to reign in all the boinkmeisters running around sharing the holy rod of righteousness with the choirboys. So what's the poop pope?

God's mind was behind complex scientific theories such as the Big Bang, and Christians should reject the idea that the universe came into being by accident, Pope Benedict said.

Ah Ha! So it was god who set in motion events that led to the freewheeling 70's and caused all the trouble. We knew it! That Yahweh, quite the scoundrel.

"The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe," Benedict said on the day Christians mark the Epiphany, the day the Bible says the three kings reached the site where Jesus was born by following a star.

Hmm...probably Beyonce, or maybe one of the Kardashians...no wait, Shakira. Had to be Shakira. We'd follow us some of that to Canaan and back yes sir.

"Contemplating it (the universe) we are invited to read something profound into it: the wisdom of the creator, the inexhaustible creativity of God," he said in a sermon to some 10,000 people. "And speaking of  invitations, I'd just like to remind you that if your local parish priest, or bishop invites you back to the sacristy to see his etchings, don't go."

While the pope has spoken before about evolution, he has rarely delved back in time to discuss specific concepts such as the Big Bang, which scientists believe led to the formation of the universe some 13.7 billion years ago.

 "Big Bang." Henh henh. Too easy, even for us.

He said scientific theories on the origin and development of the universe and humans, while not in conflict with faith, left many questions unanswered. "In the beauty of the world, in its mystery, in its greatness and in its rationality ... we can only let ourselves be guided toward God, creator of heaven and earth," he said.

 Let rationality guide us to an irrational conclusion. OK we think we see your problem.

Benedict and his predecessor John Paul have been trying to shed the Church's image of being anti-science, a label that stuck when it condemned Galileo for teaching that the earth revolves around the sun, challenging the words of the Bible.

Yeah. Let's see, Galileo condemned in 1616, John Paul became pope in 1978.  Probably going to take more than a couple of memos to get around 362 years of dogma. Just saying.

The Catholic Church no longer teaches creationism -- the belief that God created the world in six days as described in the Bible -- and says that the account in the book of Genesis is an allegory for the way God created the world.

Oh great. It's not enough that this guy contradicts himself all over the place, now he's talking in riddles too?  No wonder the church is only growing in places where people can't read.