Monday, September 20, 2010

Apparently Wal-Mart Has A Law School

We're coming to you today from the set of Law and Order: Special Idiots Unit on the backlot out behind the marbled halls of IM Central, and like all their stories, this one is ripped from the headlines.
In classroom’s across the state, Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox uses videos to teach students the dangers of internet predators and cyber bullies. But is one of his top lieutenants engaging in cyber bullying, the very behavior Cox says is so dangerous? Andrew Shirvell is an assistant attorney general who helped run Cox’s last re-election campaign. But on his own time, he’s the author of a blog he started last spring targeting Chris Armstrong, the openly gay president of the University of Michigan’s student assembly.
 So at first we thinks Attorney Shrivell has to be more conscientious in reading memos from the boss, and so we set about writing a post in the fine tradition of this blog focusing on the fact that the boss is named Cox and his assistant is Shrivell.

However,  before we were to engage in a little disquisition at the expense of the two aforementioned unfortunately named individuals,  what should bubble up from the inter toob soup but this:
The Wisconsin prosecutor caught sending racy text messages to a domestic abuse victim went on medical leave Monday and hired an attorney who argues the matter should not cost him his job.
 "[S]ending racy text messages to a domestic abuse victim" is not a legal strategy we are familiar with. Intrigued we read on:
Calumet County District Attorney Ken Kratz acknowledged last week he sent 30 text messages in three days trying to start an affair with a domestic abuse victim half his age while he was prosecuting her ex-boyfriend. In them, he asked whether she was "the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA" and called her a "tall, young, hot nymph."
See, here's your problem with modifiers Mr. Kratz. "tall, young", and "hot" while somewhat cliched, are at least in the ballpark, but "older, married" and "elected?" Elected? This is how you attract "nymphs?" Sir, we are sorry to have to tell you that your ipso has lost its facto.

Which brings us back to Mr. Shrivell who also tried his hand at a little wordsmithing  on Chris Armstrong's openly gay buttocks:
With 27 postings to date, Shivell’s blog is filled with language you’ll never hear him use in a court room, calling Armstrong “nazi like,” a recruiter for “the cult that is homosexuality,” and a proponent of a “racist, anti-Christian agenda.”
Who says lawyers tend to be obtuse and circumspect? Finished, Mr. Shrivell?
In other internet postings, Shirvell’s language has been even stronger: calling Armstrong “Satan’s representative on the Student Assembly,” even posting a photograph with a swastika attached to his face.
See what happens when you run up against a highly trained legal mind? All that's missing is a neener neener neener.
Cox issued a second statement, saying, "...Mr. Shirvell’s immaturity and lack of judgment outside the office are clear.”
Well, nobody's perfect. Inside the office the dude's a veritable Perry Mason. Maybe Mr. Kratz has a more open minded boss:
Gov. Jim Doyle planned to meet with Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen on Monday afternoon to discuss Kratz, a Van Hollen spokesman said. Doyle said last week he was considering all options against Kratz, including removing him from office for cause.
Whoa, that's a bit harsh don't you think? Just assign someone else to handle cases that involve nymphs. Yeesh, do we have to do all the thinking around here?

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