Where do people get crazy ideas like that, Bishop Tobin?
Bishop Thomas Tobin, the Roman Catholic leader of Rhode Island, confirmed he had asked Kennedy, a congressman for the north-eastern state, to refrain from taking Holy Communion because of his support for abortion. "Now, I want to make very clear that we're still happy to take his money," Bishop Tobin said. "But when it comes to holy snack time, NO HOST FOR YOU!"
OK, before we go on we'd just like to say that we do recognize the potential for a bunch of jokes concerning the whole Kennedy family and the use of women's bodies, but it's Monday after a holiday and we're a little ragged around the edges, so you want Kennedy jokes, be our guest. Now, back to our story:
Tobin defended his stand against Kennedy, saying in a statement on his website that he "sought to provide solely for his spiritual well-being."
Darn Straight. We mean, the church is all about moral guidance and spiritual well being. Isn't that so Tom Sweeney, Mannix Flynn and Christine Buckley?
A 2,600-page report, published Wednesday following a nine-year probe into child abuse by Ireland's fading Catholic religious orders, painted a damning portrait of a system that protected child-molesting church officials while consigning generations of Ireland's poorest children to misery. The five-volume report on the probe — which was resisted by Catholic religious orders — concluded that church officials shielded their orders' pedophiles from arrest amid a culture of self-serving secrecy.
Right. Because children are the most vulnerable and most in need of protection and safety from...wait, what was that?
"A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions and all those run for boys. Children lived with the daily terror of not knowing where the next beating was coming from," Ireland's Commission to Inquire Into Child Abuse concluded.
Oh. Well...uh...OK. Hey, kids are resilient, right? It's that whole being young thing. They get over it. But poor people, now there's where the church can really shine. What you do for the least of my brethren and all that, right?
The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, homelessness and health care.
Look, it's a matter of making the best use of limited resources. Most of these people are going to hell anyway, and that Kennedy guy will be leading the way, so what do you want from us? Consistency?
Malus bonum ubi se simulat, tunc est pessimus.1