Monday, November 09, 2009

And Jesus Said Unto The Masses "Exact Change Only"

Regular readers of this blog have probably become accustomed to the soft bigotry of low mean may recall a while back the national campaign to determine what Jesus would drive were he to trade in his mule. And if they'd had cars back then.

Personally we think the son of god would have rated a driver, but that's just us.

Hahahahaha! We crack us up. Anyway, silly theologians, study your bible. It's right there in Paul's second letter to the Corinthians verses 15 and 16: "With this ticket I formerly intended to come to you so that I might receive double frequent rider miles, namely, to go by way of Greyhound to Macedonia, and then to come to you again on my return from Macedonia, and have you send me on my way to Judea on the express out of Thessalonica."

And where do you think Paul learned to use mass transportation? Well, if you had studied the bible like we have you would know that an often forgotten part of the miracle of the loaves and fishes when Jesus fed the crowd at Caanan, was that he also arranged for buses to take the crowd home after the wedding. Sort of an early designated driver thing. Anyway, it's pretty obvious from our close study of scripture that Jesus would take the bus. And that is why we have to defend the right of bus drivers everywhere to lay the holy word on their passengers. After all, what is a bus but a rolling church and the driver is the pastor, safely guiding his flock through the detours of Satan of to the redemptive garden of Broadway and Fifth.

And on schedule too. We all know how Beelzebub hates it when things run on time.

A MARTA bus driver is on suspension following allegations that he forced passengers to pray before allowing them to exit the bus. "Have you seen the way those idiots drive out on the boulevard? You'd pray too if you had to drive in that," said driver Leroy Matthews.

Christopher James was one of those passengers. James said, initially, he thought something was wrong when he rang the bell to get off the bus and the door didn’t open.

And why didn't the doors open, Mr. James? Do you know? Could it have been SATAN?

James’ cousin, who arrived at the bus stop to meet him, said she saw the men standing inside the bus, but didn’t realize they were praying.

Oh. OK, our bad. It was your cousin, not Satan. Easy mistake to make though, we mean look at that guy. Put a set of horns and a tail on him and you got a dead ringer for the Dark Lord.

James said the bus driver asked him and three other passengers to join hands in prayer. James said the driver prayed with the group for about four minutes. “He got up out of the driver’s seat,” he said. James, who isn’t against prayer, said he felt compelled to join in although the request confused him. "Yeah, I mean I heard MARTA's repair and maintenance budget had been cut back, but I figured if things were so bad they had to pray to make it from stop to stop, maybe I ought to take a cab or something."

Ha! That's just what Lucifer would want you to do.

A MARTA representative said that the transit agency suspended the bus driver for five days and told him not to try and save the passengers. "Actually the praying part wasn't so bad. It's when he tried to baptize the passengers by pouring Mountain Dew on their heads that we knew we had a problem," the representative added.

Hmm...a MARTA representative said that? Are you sure it wasn't, oh, we don't know, SATAN? Well, it could have been James' cousin again. We'll get back to you on that.

Matthews has been with MARTA for six years. Before that he drove the community bus for the First Church of Jesus Christ, Diesel.


Anonymous said...

Well, I hope somebody got IM this time. I think it's because it is the "Holiday Season"?

lars said...


Seeing Eye Chick said...

Holy Crap. That is just weird.