Tuesday, November 10, 2009

On The Bright Side, It Means The Cubs Still Have A Chance To Win The Series

We're coming to you today from the Nostradamus wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Nostradamus wing is just across from the Office of Yeti Cultural Studies and down the hall from the Center for the Investigation of Extraterrestrial Anal Probes.

We're down here doing a little research on the end of the world because what with the election of the black Antichrist and all we don't want to get caught unawares if the big J up there pushes the reset button. Well, come to think of it we're not even sure Jesus would be the one to initiate the reboot. Perhaps dad would do it, or maybe even the honor would go to one of the saints who might have a score to settle. We mean, take Antony of Padua, the patron saint of asses for example (the four legged kind, not people who watch Glenn Beck). He can't too happy about how that turned out. Or saint Polycarp of Smyrna, the patron saint of dysentery. Who did he tick off at the vatican? Or how about saint Giles, the patron saint of breast feeding. OK, he probably doesn't have a beef with us, but you see our point.

Umm...Why is the patron saint of breast feeding a guy?

Ah, but we digress. Still...well, the point is, as a result of our exhaustive research, and in spite of what this guy says (Caution: site best viewed with polarized sunglasses. Dark polarized sun glasses) we feel confident in saying that the world is definitely not going to end in the near future.

Why? Think about it. Let's say you're Jesus and you're thinking about a return trip to planet earth where you'll be greeted by all your faithful followers, set up on a throne and given free lifetime passes to Disneyland. After all, you've given them 2000 years to get their act together, love their neighbors, do unto others, all that stuff. So you look down on your flock to see what the haps are, and what do you see?

John Ensign

Mark Sanford

Chip Pickering

At first you think to yourself, these crazy humans, they're pulling my holy leg. Surely these can't be the leading spokesmen for my message.

Ah, but wait junior. It gets worse.

So it occurs to you that if you rapture up the faithful, these guys are going to be your neighbors and is that what you really want Mr. son of god sir? Is it?

Didn't think so.

If only you could find one person who has been faithful to your word, one follower who represents all that you intended us to become, one who realized the potential. Wait, who's that?

Carrie goes on at length about how she was a shoe-in for the Miss USA title but got shut out due to her answer against gay marriage during the question and answer period. She says things like “Miss USA needed me,” “I feel as if I’m Miss Universe,” and “God chose me.”

Hmmm thinks you. This has possibilities. Here's a simple, devout unassuming girl who has suffered for her faith, yet remains true to her beliefs and steadfast in her devotion. Maybe there's hope for these people yet. Plus she is definitely not hard on the eyes, and there is that condo next to me that's empty now that Peter is spending all his time in Florida.

So you sit back in your chair, eye the red button that starts Armageddon and think maybe you'll give dad a call one he gets beck from golf and see what he thinks. In the mean time you decide to Google Ms. Prejean, just to see what church she attends, and the first thing that pops up on your screen is this.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean defended a recently surfaced erotic video of her as a youthful indiscretion and questioned whether it could actually be called a “sex tape” since no one else appears in it.

No one else? Man, that sure looks like the holy ghost over there by the TV. Wonder if he saved the video.


scripto said...

"If only you could find one person who has been faithful to your word, one follower who represents all that you intended us to become, one who realized the potential."

There is one

Anonymous said...

Well, if smelling running shoes is your thing, you can go anywhere. Furthermore, this guy is dead?

scripto said...

"Furthermore, this guy is dead?"

He will live forever in my heart and in syndication.

Anonymous said...

I loved him too.