Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Say what you will about unit mean greyhound racing-and we often do-at least we know that our friends from the government are out there protecting the rubes, if not the dogs. We mean, what would happen to the do they call it? Oh, "sport" yeah. What would happen to the "sport" if the rubes were to find out the fix was in?

Well, rubes being, you know, rubes and all probably nothing. Still it's comforting to know someone is looking out for these poor folks, right Sam Webber and Jack Swint?
You would think that odds are calculated at the track, and placing a bet and collecting your potential winnings are calculated by tri-states computer system. Most people watching the results on the monitors and public information board would think everything’s being controlled right on site. Well, it is not according to the owners certified operation audits. And to add to the problem, what if that out of state system isn’t working correctly? If that doesn’t catch your attention, this will. These same reports outline computer system malfunctions that miss-calculate the odds and winnings paid to everyone who has placed a pari-mutual bet at their racetracks! Reports that show year after year the same problem continues.
What? Shenanigans? All is not on the up and up? We are shocked we tell you, SHOCKED!
It is apparent that Danny Adkins and Hartman-Tyner felt confident that since they are a privately owned corporation, this problem would never make it to the public’s knowledge. But, we managed to get copies of the companies financial and operation audits. The first operations audit titled "Report On Agreed Upon Procedures" is annually prepared by the accountant firm, Gibbons and Kawash, located in Charleston, WV. These 7 audit reports are clearly marked confidential and for the sole use of Hartman & Tyner. These reports also clearly show that Danny Adkins is hiding how they really operate dog racing in WV.
Hey, that's pretty strong language there, messieurs Webber and Swint. It sounds to us like you're impugning the character of these fine overlords. You better have some pretty ironclad evidence to back up a wild claim like that.
WV statute 19-23-9 clearly states that a licensee (racetrack owner) "shall permit or conduct the pari-mutual system of wagering within the confines of the licensee's racetrack at which any horse or dog race meeting is conducted or held." That is the law, and what the racing commission and legislators intended, to keep all operations at the Nitro track. According to Gibbons & Kawash, that IS NOT occurring at Tri-State racetrack.
Oh. Um...well...We're sure there's a logical explanation. Could it be a clerical error?
If you think that is a serious problem, you may want to sit down. These audit reports exposed more facts that show the depth of just how misleading the track owners have been to the general public, greyhound & kennel owners, the racing commission and anyone who has followed greyhound racing across the country.
Misleading? Misleading? Are you trying to tell us the overlords would not treat the rubes with the same professionalism and care that they treat the dogs? Wait, we think we just answered our own question.
The problem is not just a local one, but it does involve the same company Tri-State is contracting to run their pari-mutual betting. It appears to be happening at more tracks owned by Hartman & Tyner and others across the country. As recent as July 2008, someone figured out how to circumvent the system and was able to make bets even after the race was over.
Betting on the race after the race is over. OK, we can see how that would be a problem.
The mere concept that any part of greyhound wagering at tri-state is being controlled from 5 states away opens up the door to staggering fraud possibilities. People at the track interviewed have often wandered why the odds on the monitors and main board change sometimes after the race is final. Can someone at the other end manipulate the system? Its been done before.
Oh, that's perfectly understandable. The odds change after the race is over to accommodate those who bet on the race after it's over. It's just good customer service.
If you’re a gambling person, odds are you may not be receiving the correct amount of monies due to you from winnings at Tri-States pari-mutual races from at least 2000. Their own certified accountants and auditors attest to this fact. There are still issues being discovered as recently as July 2008.
OK, OK, we get it. So there are a few minor problems at the track. It's a complicated business run by third grade dropouts. What do you expect? At least the training of the dogs is still conducted with the highest degree of professionalism and latest techniques, right?
Located deep in the woods of Chapmanville, WV, is the Tomblin’s greyhound farm & training facility. According to 2 witness accounts, Tomblin trains with “live bait” and has for years. Our investigation determined that this family run operation is one of the WV trainers who are using live bait. In fact, according to witnesses, they use cats, chickens, rabbits, raccoons and shoats (baby piglets).
You want to make an omelet you got to break some eggs, right Gordon? Hey, we hear raccoon tastes like chicken. That true?

Gordon is extremely sweet and gentle. He likes attention, but does not actively seek it out. He follows his foster mom around the house. He is very playful in the morning and when he gets out of the crate when she gets home. He likes to play with stuffed toys. He is confident and he is a quick learner. Gordon would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. He is good with other dogs of various sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

OK, But She's Getting A Lousy Parking Spot

Hey, look, that Mexican woman is still trying to get a job with the government. Oh wait, she's not Mexican. Not that it matters one way or another you see, 'cause we're all post racial and stuff here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Just like senator Cornyn.

Senator John Cornyn, J-Wayne, the head of his party's Senate campaign committee and a Sotomayor opponent, said Reid and other Democrats were trying to exploit the nomination and "giving cover to groups and individuals to nurture racial grievances for political advantage. I don't think it influences people's votes, which is deeply disappointing to me," Cornyn said. "Especially after all Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh have done to nurture racial grievances for the white race."

Right on senator! Bet that's the sort of racial transcendence you brought to those crackers at the Rockford Institute when they invited you to come and talk, right?

Cornyn defended his decision, noting that he had been the only Republican to publicly fault conservatives who branded Sotomayor racist. "I got the short straw," he added.

Republicans are torn between a fear of what their crazy base will do if they don't oppose Sotomayor and a concern that doing so could bring a Hispanic backlash which would result in more difficulty finding gardeners and nannys in the future. The dilemma is particularly vexing for senators from states like Cornyn's where more than one third of the population is Latino. "Not a problem. We can pander to the beaners just as easily as we pander to the bubbas," said one Cornyn staffer who asked not to be identified.

The decision on how to vote on her confirmation was made more difficult in recent days for some Republicans and Democrats from testosterone poisoned battleground states after the National Rifle Association, which has an under medicated and over stimulated base of members with penis issues, announced that a vote to confirm Sotomayor would count against senators in the group's annual candidate ratings. "Blark! Feezle Blat Blat Guns!" said one NRA official asked to explain the organization's opposition to Sotomayor. "Arrrooooo!" he added

Republicans, though, say they don't trust Sotomayor to keep her mucho platos de arroz and gandoles y pernir out of the courtroom. Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina said in a statement that the judge has "let her personal beliefs cloud her judgment." When asked why acknowledging personal beliefs wasn't a problem with justices Alito and Thomas, Burr responded, "Are you blind, boy? Just look at them. OK, Thomas is a darky, sure, but he does whatever Scalia says, so he's almost white."

Jim DeMint of South Carolina, said she "has not inspired confidence that she will consistently base her decisions on what's best for the white race" citing in particular her stance on gun and abortion rights. "Whenever them ethnicals starts using the word "rights" it makes me nervous," he added.

Senator Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., the Judiciary Committee chairman, said he was "disappointed" that more Republicans hadn't kept up with their therapy. His panel's vote to send Sotomayor's nomination to the full Senate was nearly along party lines, with just one Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, breaking with the party to back her. "Wait until Rush hears about that," he added. "I would imagine Lindsey is already working on his apology."

GOP leadership aides suggest there's little political ground to be lost for their party in opposing Sotomayor. "They're too poor, and they're not that stupid," said one aide. "That takes off the two of the three most important criteria for being a republican supporter right there."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

We Will Support You With Our Lack Of Support

Speaking of things that drive us to the Stoli cabinet (besides days in which the sun goes down, not to be confused with days in which it comes up) we've also been monitoring this whole President Obama is an alien contretemps. If by monitoring you mean staring in disbelief as at a senior citizen rave.

For those of you caught up in the Henry Louis Gates in imbroglio, or the Michael Jackson brouhaha, we understand that there are so many important stories abroad in the country today no one person can keep track of them all, so allow us to elucidate.

But first a bit of an aside. Last night, through no fault of our own, we were sober enough to watch the evening news. Naturally we turned to CBS and Katie Couric because it's more fun to imagine her reading the news in the nude than Brian Williams. Lead story: Gates. Second story: Michael Jackson, then, oh by the care. Plus she was wearing too many clothes. Still it's a good thing she's a highly trained, experienced (and paid) professional journalistic reporter journalist anchor, reader and stuff or otherwise we might have thought she only took the job because she couldn't get on with People or Us magazines. Or Drudge.

Now back to our alien President. Apparently there is a group of people in this country who, aside from being the best reason ever to increase the availability of mental health services, have convinced themselves that President Obama is not a citizen of these here United States because his dad was Altarian, or Arcturian, or something, we really aren't sure because frankly we're afraid to get too close.

OK, so President Obama produces his birth certificate that says he was born in Hawaii, which, even though it's made up of mostly brown people is still considered a part of the good old U S of A. Not good enough say the spittle fleckers. That's a Certificate of Live Birth, not a Birth Certificate. Now that's like saying it's not a Chevrolet Impala, it's an Impala made by Chevrolet thinks us, but what do we know?

Anyway, the president gets elected; the terminally aggravated sue; and the courts throw out their lawsuits because, well, because the courts need like, evidence and stuff and it's hard to get the voices in your head to testify. Consequently most of the people in the country not in need of massive does of psycho-pharmaceuticals smile and move quickly away when they see one of these people on the street.

So what the buggin' posse spose to do? Who will take up their cause? Who will champion their er...buggery?

Republicans, naturally. Well, them and the main stream media like CNN's Lou Dobbs, whom we definitely don't imagine reading the news in the nude.

Sorry to put that image in your head. Here, try this. Um...and for those of you on the distaff side.

OK, back to our story. This little controversy continues to roll about the deck on this great ship of state like the marbles these people have lost, but important things are afoot like the aforementioned Gates and Michael Jackson, so the story just can't get the traction it deserves.

Enter Neil Abercrombie (D-HI) who introduces a resolution in the House that celebrates Hawaii's 50th anniversary as a state andohbythewaypresidentobamawasbornhere.

Gaak! What's the wingnut baiting republican to do? On the one hand, only people who thinks Rush Limbaugh makes sense will vote for you, but on the other if health care reform passes, these people are likely to be medicated, and there goes your base, unless you can reach out to voters who at a very minimum are less wacko than Ann Coulter. (insert joke about setting the bar pretty low here).

Well, Abercrombie put the republicans between a rock and a sane place, and since the republicans don't really give a rip about actually doing something for the people who support them (See: Christians, Evangelical; Majority, Moral and Voters, Value) they did what republicans are best at, turned their backs on the bonkazoids and voted for the resolution.

So, end of story, right? Wrong.

Katie, are you getting all of this? Oh, and lose the jacket.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Hate The Sin Shoot The Sinner

OK, this has been floating around the interwebs for a few days and has caused us to imbibe more than a couple adult beverages in an attempt to clear our intellectual pallet.

Hey, shut up. That's our story and we're sticking to it.

Anyway, here's Randall Terry, leading spokesperson for the sanctity of life and the right of blastocysts to grow up and vote republican reveling in the murder of George Tiller:

Somewhat odd, thinks us, for a fellow leading the Pro-Life movement, but then, Dr. Tiller was not an embryo, so perhaps there's a distinction of which we are unaware. Fair enough. It's not like we actually spend a lot of time paying attention to these folks. Could have easily missed the memo.

But then Mr. Terry shows up at the National Press Club and says if health care reform includes allowing the ladies to practice their legal rights to an abortion, "horrific consequences" will ensue.

Now, we're not sure what a horrific consequence are, but we have to figure it's something a little more serious than if you get an abortion someone shows up at your house and gives you a noogie. Even two noogies. Even noogies every day for a week.

So, here we have a leading proponent of the Culture of Life™ telling us that if we don't agree with him, his posse is going to go all Scott Roeder on our baby killing buttocks.

Truly Ironicus at its Maximus, no?

Why is it, that the more someone loves life, the more likely they are to shoot you if you don't see things their way?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Now, we've never pretended to understand what it takes to come to the conclusion that exploiting innocent animals is an appropriate thing for someone who considers him or herself a member of the human race to be doing with their time. What pre-birth trauma, what genetic malfunction, what kind of degradation in the environment must all come together to create the conditions that produce an overlord?

It's truly a puzzler. And yet, the overlords are out there in their trailers, with duct tape on their shoes, 12 teeth in their heads, a forged third grade diploma and a buzz in their heads that sounds like a 747 just took off.

Wonder what Darwin would have to say about all this. We mean, where's the evolutionary advantage in being a heartless, soulless bag of mostly water that preys on the good nature, naivete and natural proclivities of those around him or her? Can't be good for the long term survival of the species, just look at the republicans.

But we digress.

Our point is that even though the existence of the overlords makes no sense, there they are. But even if you accept the seeming chaos of a universe that randomly produces, on the one hand, the greyhounds, and on the other the overlords, there are still events within that accidental arbitrariness that seem, well, fluky. Things like this.
GREYHOUND Racing NSW believes it has unfairly subsidised thoroughbred racing to the tune of more than $100 million over the past 12 years. Officials believe that greyhounds have been propping up the more glamorous side of racing and they have called on the NSW Government to repeal legislation to ensure greyhounds and the thoroughbred industry survive on commercial terms.
OK, so our first question is if you need any kind of subsidy to "survive on commercial terms" does being in business really mean what you think it does?

Second, saying horse racing is more "glamorous" than greyhound racing is like saying
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever had more narrative consistency than Alone in the Dark.
But while Greyhound NSW chief executive Brent Hogan believes the dogs would thrive if they received a straight percentage of TAB revenue, Racing NSW chief executive Peter V'landys said they would perish. Hogan said: "If the NRL decided to sponsor a second AFL team in Sydney, people would think it was a bit odd yet that's what's happening in racing."
Um...we don't speak Australian, but we think he's saying the marketplace can't support both horse and greyhound racing. So, in the name of "commercial survival" shouldn't one or the other, how to say this politely, go walkabout?
But V'landys said 72 per cent of all turnover was on thoroughbred racing. He said the greyhound industry had forgotten some of the protectionist elements of the inter-code funding which assists it. These include a blackout of thoroughbred racing on Saturday nights, to allow the greyhounds to prosper as well as a distribution of TAB profits from on-course. "They will be eaten alive if those protective measures were removed," V'landys said. "This suggestion that greyhounds have been hard done by is the biggest load of rubbish I have heard."
"Eaten alive if those protective measures were removed." Apparently in Australia commercial survival doesn't mean what we think it does, huh Chuck?

Chuck is very happy, sweet, calm and very obedient. He’s very cute. He’s much more interested in knowing where his foster mom is vs. where the family dogs are. He is a bit of a Velcro dog. He is often found upside down in the cockroach position (on his back with his feet in the air). He is starting to pick up a ball and take to his bed. He is Bo's brother. He would do well in a working family home, with well-mannered children ages 5 and up. He does well with dogs of all sizes. He tends to be more connected to humans than other dogs and therefore he would be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Phrase Stimulus Package

We're coming to you today from the Department of Clutched Pearls here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The D of C. P. is a division of the Fainting Couch Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Case o' the Vapors, LLC.

It seems TEH DEEMON SEXXORR has loosed itself upon the good christian folks of Fort Myers Beach.

A South Florida town manager who married a porn star last year was fired at an emergency meeting after the mayor and council members learned about it.


Um...staff picnics are going to be a lot better attended than in the past?

Fort Myers Beach town council voted 5-0 to fire Scott Janke "without cause" after Mayor Larry Kiker called the Tuesday night meeting. "We decided the best thing for all concerned would be to let Mr. Janke go without mean without cause."

Kiker said he learned one afternoon while doing "research" that Janke's wife is an adult film star, and the elected officials took the action a few hours later. When asked why it took him 'hours' to report to the city council, Kiker responded, "She was in a lot of films, I had to make sure it was her. Is it hot in here?"

"At no time did we make a judgment call on the activities of Mr. Janke or his wife," Kiker told The Associated Press. "It's a matter of how effective he becomes after this situation. How much disruption there is. Cripe, the thing just broke this morning and already half my staff is holed up in their offices with the doors locked. Place looks like a ghost town except for the occasional grunt. I'm not paying to clean those keyboards you guys!"

Kiker said a clause in Janke's contract permitted the council to fire him with a majority vote. He said he considers the Jankes friends. "Especially Mrs. Janke," he added. "In fact I'd really like to sit down with you over a cup of coffee sometime and explain my side of the story. Or maybe a cocktail. Someplace, quiet. Maybe out of town. Call me."

Kiker acknowledged that Janke had violated no rules or laws and added that he had done a good job for the island town that had about 6,500 people. "One of the reasons we brought him here is that there were some divisive problems on the beach," Kiker said. "We wanted him to bring people together."

"But not in that way," he added.

Councilman Tom Babcock, responding to residents' questions, said at a council meeting that Janke was fired because his wife's profession brought an inaccurate image to Fort Myers Beach. "Plus it just got too hard for us to see her around the office when she came to pick up her husband after work," Babacock said. "Wait, let me rephrase that."

"When you become a public figure you are held to a different level of scrutiny and ethics," Babcock said. When a reporter pointed out that Mr. Janke was the public figure, not his wife, Babcock responded, "Did you see her in MILF Mania? How about Cock Pit 4? There wasn't much that wasn't public about her, know what I'm that I'd know...just what I heard...don't have any first hand knowledge...gotta go now."

Attempts to contact council members via e-mail for follow up interviews were unsuccessful because "bandwidth issues" had crashed the city's server.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fox News: We Report. You Flee In Horror

OK, full disclosure: We don't watch Fox News because even though there are foxes, there is no news that we are able to discern. Oh we do watch the occasional clip here and there, as you saw yesterday, but these are usually posted on other sites where the owners have a lot stronger gag reflex than we. Or a lot more adult beverages, we're not sure.

In the last couple of weeks though our interest has been piqued because it's appearing more and more likely that there's some high powered hallucinogenics floating around over there. Either that or the news producer is Captain Morgan.

First there was Michael Schurer who stumbled by to opine that the best thing that could happen to this country was to get blown up again. Now, you'd think that most people who had possession of their faculties might respond that if we'd had a president who could read back in 2001, we might not have gotten blown up in the first place, but since his interlocutor was none other than Glenn Beck the conversation went on as if Mr. Schurer were discussing the possibility of a thunderstorm before dinner.

Then yesterday we had Lieutenant Colonel, Fox News War Expert, Book Writer, never been in combat guy Ralph Peters on to advocate for the murder of an American soldier currently in enemy hands. Again, a person whose brain is operating within normal parameters might think a statement like that is just a wee tad over the line, and perhaps blushing just a little, might try to mitigate what Ranting Ralph said because, you know, the kid's family and friends might be watching and all, or if not that, just the fact that arguing for the death of a person in public under the guise of "analysis" strains the bounds of propriety in the civilized world outside of Fox studios.

But Noooooooo. Instead they send the P Dog on to the Bill Falafel show where he further displays his sociopathy while giving old Bill an opportunity to jump on the crazy train by calling the poor kid a "nut." Now, set aside for a moment that if anyone knows a nut when he sees one, it's Billo, the point is, in polite adult society, we generally do not take to the public airways to belittle and demean someone who is in mortal danger. Now, since this is Fox news we could see it if Private Bergdahl was black or Hispanic, but this is a white kid fer chrissakes!!

So today, Neil Cavuto, another sack of flatulence in the Fox descending colon comes on and says Dr. Regina M. Benjamin, President Obama's pick for Surgeon General is too fat to be a Surgeon General because everybody knows Surgeons General run marathons and compete in triathlons and stuff. Anyway, even though we figure if anybody knows fat it's Neil who doesn't seem to have missed too many appointments with the buffet table, mostly our reaction is Meh, is that all you got?

We mean, come on Neil. Your posse wants to kill a soldier and all you got it fatty fatty two by four? Mr. Ailes would like to see you in his office after lunch.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Fox News! Motto: Hey, Crazy People Have To Make A Living Too, You Know

Say what you will about this here America--and we often do--one thing that brings us all together, regardless of political philosophy, or daily intake of prescription pharmaceuticals since those rascally Arabs bombed us is supporting the troops.

And why not? Those folks can't help it that they were unfortunate enough to be in the military when the Commander in Chief had the IQ of lime jello and the vice president was Satan. Never forget 9/11 says them. Never forget Bin Laden Determined To Strike In The US replies us.

Which brings us to the tragic tale of Bowe Bergdahl, a kid who should be checking out the hotties at the local sports bars, but instead finds himself a reluctant guest at the Jihad Marriott.

You remember when you were little and you used to do the most repulsive and immature things to your little brother or sister? You called them names, you teased them mercilessly, you avoided them and never missed an opportunity to explain to them why they were a blight on the planet. But just let someone from outside the family look at them askance and you were all up in that person's grill like the Archangel Michael celebrating Saint Beatdown's day.

Well, that's the way America is. We may spit on each others' shoes and fart in each others' general direction with rather discouraging regularity, but just let someone from outside the family cast a scurrilous glance at one of our posse and we are like totally forgetting all that stuff we were just arguing about a second ago.

And that's why we've come together so strongly behind Private Bergdahl and his family, right Mr. Peters?

What is the term? Oh yeah, Boo Yah! Mess with one of us you mess with all of us Adbul. No stone will be unturned, no rest will be taken, no price will be too high that we won't pay it. We don't leave people...wait...what did he say?
I don't care how hard it sounds. As far as I'm concerned, the Taliban can save us a lot of legal hassles and legal bills.
OK, could someone bring Mr. Peters his medication? You're saying that it's all right for the taliban to shoot this kid if he did something stupid under the stress of being in a neighborhood where people were constantly trying to kill him. Who are you, General Patton or something?

Oh, we know, you're trying to out crazy Michael Scheuer.

What does it take to be an expert analyst on Fox news? Serial concussions?

Update: As far as we can tell--and we have broken into the Stoli--Lieutenant Colonel Ralph Peters, Fox News Expert War Analyst has never been in combat unless you count shooting rubber bands at the secretaries from behind your desk.

Monday, July 20, 2009

God Is Love. Don't Make Us Hurt You To Prove It

We're coming to you today from the Mark 12:30-31 Department. Mark 12 is a division of the Golden Rule Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Ephesians 4:32.

It seems some of the flock have taken in upon themselves to inform the heathens of the error of their ways. In a loving and godly fashion of course.

Those behind a sign posted in front of their northwest Gainesville church, proclaiming in red letters "Islam is of the devil," say it's a way to express their religious bigotry and yet it is a message of a great act of love. "Well, if by 'love' you mean praying for the filthy ragheads to burn in hell," said the church's senior pastor, Terry Jones. "I mean that in a most christian way," he added.

"It's an act of saying there is only one way, and that is my way, so toss the prayer rugs and get your falafel eating behinds over to a Zondervans. It is about pointing the people in the right direction, and that right direction is Jesus and only Jesus," said Jones. "Look, they don't call them 'hellfire' missiles for nothing. Your choice Abdul."

"We actually posted the sign because we just found out there's Islamics right here in America. Them Muslin fellers are trying to be violent and oppressive but they don't have anything to do with the bible," Jones said. "You want violent and repressive? We got the smiting and the laying waste that makes old Allah look like a boy scout.

Jones said, in spite of what the sign says, the church's outreach effort doesn't look at a person's faith when it comes to offering help. "You best not be wearing one of them burka things though, or that there Hindu hat, or we may have to lay the spirit of the lord upside your head. Just saying."

"I think every pastor, every Christian pastor in this city, must be in agreement with the message. They might find the message a little bit too obviously bigoted, but they must be in agreement with the message because the only way is our way and the Bible and Jesus says we get to bust a cap on their unbelieving buttocks," Jones said. "Kill their camels too," he added. "Nothing personal, just doing the lord's work."

Saeed R. Khan, the president of the Muslim Association of North Central Florida was calm in his response to the church's sign. "There are a couple of things on this that come to mind, and first there is freedom of speech," Khan said. "People are free to say, but then society has to think about it. When it becomes inflamed, the reaction on both sides can be detrimental to the people that live there. You have to make some kind of balance."

Khan said he was surprised such a sign would have been erected in Gainesville, a place where he has lived for 30 years without feeling oppressed or discriminated against for his beliefs. "Normal people generally - if they have something to say - they can come and talk to you," Khan said. "Then there are the christians."

"Sometimes when you're an ignorant bubba, it's easy to demonize someone you don't know," Khan said. "I would rather sit down and see what the issues are. Too bad those bozos talk in tongues all the time."

"We are definitely not trying to open up dialogue, create interest, create awareness, or get people to think," Jones said. "It's just that the lord told us we gotta get our smite on, in Jesus' name amen."

Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh bummer. Looks like another bad week for the overlords.
The decision by two New Hampshire racetracks to suspend their greyhound races leaves just one track in the state to watch live races. The move by The Lodge at Belmont and Seabrook Greyhound Park to abandon live dog racing this year doesn't necessarily spell the end of greyhound contests in New Hampshire. (The state's only other racetrack, at Rockingham Park in Salem, hosts harness racing and does not run dog races.) But it is a reflection of the waning popularity of live racing in New Hampshire and New England.
OK, so greyhound racing isn't over, but the only track where it could happen isn't doing it. Now, we don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but that just can't be good. So what's the problem?
Track owners say they decided to drop their live racing dates because the costs of hosting those races aren't offset by the wagering activity they attract. Bets on live races accounted for $3.1 million of the $181.5 million wagered at the state's racetracks last year. One of those tracks, the Hinsdale Greyhound Park, closed and declared bankruptcy in December.
Well, bankruptcy does have a way of cutting into your profits. Looks like that's a wrap then, huh? We mean, where you going to find anyone stupid enough to back a business with such bleak prospects?
Greyhound tracks are folding across the country, but in cash-strapped Rhode Island - where the unemployment rate is among the nation's worst - lawmakers are betting on the dogs to save jobs. Lawmakers have moved to force a bankrupt, state-licensed slot parlor to run 200 days of live racing at its greyhound track even though current law only requires 125.
OK, now we're not econometrical professionals or anything, but if no one is coming to the track in 125 days and you make them stay open 75 more days when no one comes, won't that increase their costs, and reduce profits even further, resulting in, oh we don't know...layoffs? Just asking.
The move bucks a national trend away from greyhound racing. In the last year alone, Massachusetts voters passed a ballot question banning greyhound racing. New Hampshire's two remaining greyhound tracks won state permission last month to end live racing after waning interest from bettors. About 30 tracks remain nationwide, down from a peak of about 55 in the early 1990s, said Gary Guccione, executive director of the Kansas-based National Greyhound Association.
Ouch. Come on now, there has to be a bright spot somewhere. After all, everybody can't get accepted to Walmart Greeter School. Isn't there even a slight glimmer of hope?
After being closed for about a year and a half, what was once known as the Corpus Christi Greyhound Racetrack opened its doors again. A grand opening was held Friday for the Gulf Coast Race Track.
Hooray! Finally some good news. Man, just in time too. We've said it be fore and we'll say it again, it's hard out here for an overlord. Whew! So, fill us in, what are the particulars?
Efforts are currently underway to bring live dog races back as well.
We're sorry. What did you say?
"We don't have any live dogs as of yet, that's hopefully in the future. Sometime next year, we'll look into a live racing schedule," Gulf Coast Racing's Ricardo Pimentel said.
Yeah. Ah, so you've opened a Greyhound Racetrack...except without the greyhounds. What are we missing here Bo?

Bo is relaxed and reserved. He wants pets, and will stand up close until you notice him. Bo would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be good as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

You Think Cheney's The Only One With An Assassination Squad?

Pastor Wiley Drake: Commander, GSF*

Colmes: I asked for whom else are you praying in that fashion and you said President Obama. Are you praying for his death?

Drake: Yes.

Colmes: So you're praying for the death of the president of the United States?

Drake: Yes.

And the really ironic thing is, this guy thinks Jesus loves him.

*God's Special Forces

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Senator Limbaugh Couldn't Join Us Today, So We'll Be Speaking For Him

Hey look, that Mexican lady is applying for a job with the government. What? She's not Mexican? OK, brown then. Whatever. Let's listen in:

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor stoutly denied racial bias at her Senate confirmation hearing and said an oft-criticized remark about her Hispanic heritage affecting her decisions was a rhetorical device gone awry.

At that point senator Graham asked to be excused so he could look up the word 'awry.'

That prompted a statement from senator Sessions:
I will not vote for — no senator should vote for — an individual nominated by any president who is not fully committed to fairness and impartiality towards every person who appears before them ... who believes it is acceptable for a judge to allow their own personal background, gender, prejudices or sympathies to sway their decision in favor of, or against, parties before the court.
Which is why he voted against Samuel Alito.

Oh wait, no he didn't.

Well, the real problem is she's too empathic. That's bad, right senator Coburn?
With regard to your judicial philosophy, the burden of proof rests on you. But in this case, that burden has been exaggerated by some of your statements and also by some of President Obama's stated intent to nominate someone who is not impartial, but instead favors certain groups of people. During the campaign, he promised to nominate someone who's got the heart and the empathy to recognize what it's like to be a young, teenaged mom. The implication is that our judges today don't have that.
Which is why he voted against Judge Roberts.

Oh wait, no he didn't.

Well, never mind that, let's cut to the chase; let's get to the heart of the matter; let's speak of the elephant in the room: The woman's quite plainly a racist, right senator Sessions?

Oops. Bad example.

UPDATE: senator Session is confused. "Why don't all you porto rikins vote alike?"

Monday, July 13, 2009

Texas! Motto: When Kansas Gets Too Smart For You

Ah, history. One of our favorite subject as inmates of our local educorporate training facility, mainly because the books were so big we could set them up on our desks, put our heads down the majestic sweep of our human story.

Which is why we're a little concerned about this.

Civil rights leaders César Chávez and Thurgood Marshall – whose names appear on schools, libraries, streets and parks across the U.S. – are given too much attention in Texas social studies classes, conservatives advising the state on curriculum standards say.

Come on now guys, if you take everybody but white folks out of the history books, what have you got left? Pilgrims and Cowboys are about it, and by cowboys we mean the Dallas Cowboys.

"To have César Chávez listed next to Ben Franklin" – as in the current standards – "is ludicrous," wrote evangelical minister Peter Marshall, one of six experts advising the state as it develops new curriculum standards for social studies classes and textbooks. "Did Chávez have an illegitimate son? No. Did he ever go to France for America? I don't think so."

David Barton, president of Aledo-based WallBuilders, said in his review that Chávez, a Hispanic labor leader, "lacks the stature, impact and overall contributions of Franklin. Especially 'impact,''" he added. "Dude was the Mark Sanford of his day, with a little Vitter thrown in, know what I'm saying?"

Marshall also questioned whether Thurgood Marshall, who argued the landmark case that resulted in school desegregation and was the first black U.S. Supreme Court justice, should be presented to Texas students as an important historical figure. He wrote that the late justice is "not a white enough example" of such a figure.

The recommendations are part of a long process as the State Board of Education prepares to white new social studies curriculum standards for public schools. Debate on the issue, which will also include questions of the role of religion in public life. "This country was founded on bible precepts," Barton said. "Well, except for that 3/5 thing. In the bible slaves were slaves and the good lord was OK with that. Another reason Thurgood Marshall shouldn't be included."

Although the fancy pants, egghead book standards are being drafted by teams of teachers, academics and community representatives, the education board appointed a panel of six experts to help guide the whiting teams. Three of the experts, including Barton and Marshall, are useless idiots, while the other three – all professors at state universities in Texas – were appointed by the remaining Republicans and Democrats on the 15-member board.

The Texas Freedom Network questioned the academic credentials of Barton and Marshall. "Well, questioned' is maybe not quite accurate," said Dan Quinn of the freedom network. "Tried to find one dang reason on god's green earth why they should be on the panel, is probably a better way to describe it."

"It is what we expected from unqualified cracker bubbas put on this so-called panel of experts," said Quinn. "This is yet another step toward politicizing our children's education."

State board member Don McLeroy, R-College Station, took issue with the criticism of Barton and Marshall, saying they are "very qualified" to politicize social studies standards.

"There is no doubt they have the experience and expertise to advise the whiting teams and the board on the standards," he said. "Why shoot, both of 'em kin read n' write fer as I know. Cypher too."

The third expert appointed by social conservatives was Daniel Dreisbach, a Supervisor in the physical plant at the public affairs school at American University in Washington, D.C. He was less batspit loony, or wild eyed racist in his recommendations, but he agreed with Barton and Marshall that the Founding Fathers wanted a distinctly Christian nation based on biblical principles. "Well, at least the part of the bible that was left after Jefferson got done slicing the crap out of it."

Barton, a former Rodeo clown, said that because the U.S. is a republic rather than a democracy, the proper adjective for identifying U.S. values and processes should be "republican" rather than "democratic." That means social studies books should discuss "republican" values. "You know, adultery, pedophilia, fetishism, all the things republicans are known for. "

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, as we look back over FHB entries, it occurs to us that we may have given you the impression that the overlords were not--how to say this politely--not smart enough to pick their noses without putting out an eye.

Of course, you have to figure that anyone who thinks animal exploitation is a career choice probably didn't get off the train with all their luggage in the first place if you take our point and we think you do.

Still, the overlords would probably be proudly displaying their Walmart Greeter School Diplomas if it weren't for another class of human flotsam even challenged than they are. We speak, of course of the rubes.

Think about it. If the overlords couldn't count on the rubes being, well, rubes where would all those two dollar paydays come from? So, like the anthropologist valiantly scouring the outback in search of the missing tribe of Aborigines we have come across that lost tribe, that hidden civilization, that mythical kingdom of the stupidest people ever to almost make it through the day without soiling themselves.

But wait. What's this? Even as we observe the native ignoramus idioticus in his natural environment (lost in the parking lot outside the track entrance) there are...stories. Just half whispered conversations really. Rumors. Tales. There is another tribe, an offshoot, a break away nation, spurned even by the rubes.

It's the lost tribe of the lost tribe. A collection of individuals so clueless, so lacking in the slightest intellectual capacity, that even the rubes look down upon them.

Could this be true? Is it just the smoky remains of an old story passed down from rube to rube whose meaning has been lost in the mists of time?

Apparently not

Yes, we have found the center of the stupid universe. There are people for whom betting on the dogs isn't dumb enough. They are willing t0 pay someone else to show them how to do it.

Well, it is "science" after all. And how do we know it's "Science?" Well, the proprietor promises to give your money back if you don't win and if you can't trust someone trying to take advantage of a rube's rube, who can you trust, huh Tipp?

Tipp is a big boy with a long body and long legs, but is cute and adorable too. He is very sociable and is always ready to visit with people or go for a walk. He is just learning to play in the yard where he loves to chase the soccer ball then bring it back to you. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Tipp would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

What About All The Lobbyists? Where's Their Recognition?

Frequent readers of this blog know the soporific comfort of lowered mean know that we come to you from the Water Winter Wonderland, the Great Lake State, the Pleasant Peninsula, the Mosquito, Nachos and Warm Beer Capitol of the world, Michigan.

And most of the time we are proud to be Michiganders, but when we recently read the brave stand that Iowa Congressman Steve King took to protect the baby Jesus from the darkies, we'll let's just say it put a lump in our throats the size of a kernel of yellow dent corn. ('cause we're talking about Iowa donchooknow. It's sophisticated corn humor. Just go with it, OK?)

The western Iowa Republican was the only House member to oppose the measure. The resolution, which passed 399-1, orders officials to place a marker inside the new Capitol Visitor Center using some of the original stone quarried by those slaves for the historic building.

King said he opposed the bill because it was put up for a vote before the depiction of "Gott Mit Uns" could be considered in the visitor center. "Haven't we given them enough?" King asked. "I mean they've taken over the NBA and most of the NFL, now we're giving them the Capitol. Mark my words, if this keeps up it won't be long before someone tries to tell us Jesus wasn't white."

"Our Judeo-Christian heritage is an essential foundation stone of our great nation--except for the Judeos--and should not be held hostage to yet another effort to educate future Americans about the sins of some of their ancestors," King said. "Besides, there were slaves in the bible."

He called it another example of "liberals in Congress" trying to remove references to the nation's Christian heritage from the Capitol.

Yeah, what about it guys, Mr. King does have a point here. Maybe we could compromise by...oh we don't know...displaying Jefferson's bible maybe? Or how about some of Adam's letters on religion? No? How about Ben Franklin? Washington? Come on now, you're not making this easy.

Oh wait, we know. George Bush! Now he's the kind of christian Mr. King could get behind, we're sure.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

In Which Ironicus Goes All Admin On Your Emirate Buttocks

OK who's the guy from Dubai who keeps coming to this blog by doing a Google search for "Donkey Sex"?

See, we're thinking this is what you get when you cover up your wimmens, but not your ungulates. Anyway, in the interest of better relations with the Middle East we're always willing to help, so here you go:

We do some pretty weird stuff for you people.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Fossils Are A Socialist Plot. You Know It's Coming

Hey, did you know Sarah Palin had a sister? She's a state legislator in Arizona:

"This earth has been here 6000 years, and I know I'm going on and on so I'll shut up..."

Oh, please do...


Monday, July 06, 2009

This Sets Up Palin/Prejean 2012

We feel obligated to discuss the latest Palin imbroglio with you today, but quite frankly, the most expressive reaction we can dredge up to the whole affair is, Meh.

Crazy lady does crazy thing. Where's the news in that?

Even her fellow republican'ts seem at a loss, and they often share the same crazy frequency she broadcasts on. "It's astounding," Sen. Chuck Grassley, an Iowa Republican said. "I would think, if you want to run for president — and I'm not sure that's got anything to do with what she's doing — that pretending to actually be working for a living in some related field would be a better forum than just being a free range idiot."

Meghan Stapleton, the governor's communications director, said that she expects Palin to remain active as an opening act for Joe the Plumber. "I am listening to options for her," she said. "So far there's the Fryberg, North Dakota Bacon Festival, the Possum Trot, Mississippi...uh...Possum Day Celebration and the Arab, Alabama Patriot Day Parade and Kafta 'Qrass bi Saalsit el Banadoura Cookoff. We haven't confirmed on that one yet."

Palin's also working to find a ghost writer to complete her memoirs due out next spring. "She wanted to make it a pop-up book," Stapleton said. "But we convinced her that wasn't the audience we were going for."

In a Facebook posting, Palin said she wants to "help our nation achieve greatness" by advancing a platform of energy independence, smaller government and enhanced national security. Does anyone out there know anything about that stuff?"

Party leaders were not so enthused. Karl Rove, former political adviser to President George W. Bush, said that he and other GOP strategists are "perplexed" by Palin's bombshell. "I'm thinking prescription drugs, if you get my drift," he added.

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, another potential 2012 Republican presidential contender, called Palin's strategy "risky. And by 'risky' I mean I haven't seen anything that dumb since Bobby Jindal tried to do that exorcism with a bottle of AquaFina and the church bulletin from Westboro Baptist."

Her decision caught many members of her own party flat-footed. "I didn't find out until a newspaper called," said state Rep. Wes Keller, a Palin ally. "She really needs better supervision, I think," he added.

U.S. Sen. Lisa Murkowski— whose father, former Alaska governor Frank Murkowski, lost the GOP primary to Palin in 2006 — accused Palin of having "decided to abandon the state and her constituents. And I'm OK with that."

Friday, July 03, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, it's tough out here for an overlord. There's the constant buzzing in your head, only being able to go to restaurants with pictures of the food on the menu because that whole reading thing just slipped by you about the second or third time you repeated third grade, "working" in a field where the dogs have more skills than you do, and having your children ask you to say you're a used car salesman when their friends ask what you do.

And that only begins to address the whole social pariah thing.

Now, on top of all that, you wake up in the morning and you don't know whether you're going, or coming, or going.

New Hampshire’s two greyhound dog racing tracks won permission today to drop all racing dates. They will continue to operate as simulcast betting centers, and to host gambling events for charities. "This is the best thing to happen to greyhound tracks since we discovered the closed head injury market," said Rick Newman, who represents the Belmont track. "The last thing people want to see at greyhound tracks is greyhounds."

“It costs a lot more money to run live racing than we get from it,” he said.

Well, that's going to happen when your entire customer base is three drunk guys. So good bye to a bad investment, huh?

Legislation forcing a bankrupt slot parlor in Lincoln to offer more greyhound racing is headed to Gov. Don Carcieri. The state Senate voted to force the Twin River racetrack and slot parlor to offer 200 days of racing, instead of the current 125 days.

"We figure if no one comes to the track in the 125 days we gave them, adding 75 more days for no one to come should do the trick," said House Speaker William Murphy. "It's advanced economical theoritizing. You wouldn't understand."

Probably not, but we do wonder how many times you got dropped on your head as a child. Let's ask Governor Carcieri.

Governor Donald Carcieri has vetoed a bill that would have extended greyhound racing at Twin River. "The place is bankrupt for a reason," Carcieri said. "I don't know who's stupider, the overlords, or the legislators."

Hmm...truly a puzzler, right Deal?

Deal Can is very sweet, friendly and outgoing. She likes toys and she likes to play. She likes to be near her foster family all the time. She will follow her foster mom around the house. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Deal Can would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Sister Lucy, You Got Some Splainin' To Do

Ruh Ro. Pappa Ratzi's got his eye on Jesus' wife. Well, Jesus' wives we guess is more accurate. Come to think of it, we probably should rephrase the whole thing. Sounds more than a little creepy on several levels, don't you think? On the other hand, these are the catholics and...ah forget it, let's get on with the story.

Our point is, the vatican has reason to believe the wimmens is up to something.

The Vatican is quietly conducting two sweeping investigations of American nuns, a development that has startled and dismayed nuns who fear they are the targets of a doctrinal inquisition. "I wish they wouldn't use the term 'inquisition,'" said Cardinal Franc Rodé, head of the Vatican office that deals with religious orders.

Some sisters surmise that the Vatican and even some American bishops are trying to shift them back into living in convents, wearing habits or at least identifiable religious garb, ordering their schedules around daily prayers and working primarily in Roman Catholic institutions, like rectories, schools, hospitals and rectories. "We understand that in these more relaxed times, the full metal penguin isn't always going to be appropriate," Cardinal Rodé told reporters. "But we feel some sisters have become a little too...uh...relaxed in their manner of dress. Excuse me, could someone open a window?"

“They think of us as ecclesiastical migrant workers,” said Sister Sandra M. Schneiders, professor emerita of New Testament and Self Defense at the Betty Friedan School of Theology at Berkeley, California. “We are religious, hear us roar. Our vision of our lives, and their vision of us as domestics, are just not on the same planet. And yeah, I'm talking to you Pope Ratzoball. Let's see you run this church without my girls. Yeesh. Guy thinks the fact that his underwear drawer is never empty is a variation on the miracle of the loves and fishes.”

The more extensive of the two investigations is called an Apostolic Beatdown, and the Vatican has provided only a vague rationale for it: to “Check skirt length and zipper placement” at women’s religious institutes. The visitation is being conducted by Mother Mary Magdalen Margaret "Martyrs of Lesbos" Carmen Clare Catherine de Rici Millea, an apple-cheeked American with a black habit and smiling eye, who is the superior general of her order, the Sisters of Apostles of the Followers of the Guys Who Talked To The Guys Who Watched First Annual The Sacred Heart of Jesus Cross Country Crucifix Carry, and lives down the hall from the pope.

The investigation was ordered by Cardinal Rodé. In a speech in Massachusetts last year, Cardinal Rodé offered barbed criticism of some American nuns “who have opted for ways that take them outside” the church. "It's bad enough that we have to excuse them from their godly duty to pump out little catholics," Rodé said. "But now they are demanding things like educations, better working conditions, respect. Who do they think they are, priests?"

Given this backdrop, Sister Schneiders, the professor in Berkeley, urged her fellow sisters not to cooperate with the visitation, saying the investigators should be treated as “Jehovah's Witnesses.”

Mother Clare said she was aware that some women’s institutes “weren’t happy” to hear of the visitation, but that so far about 55 percent had responded in person or in writing. "Although I do wonder where they learned language like that", she mused.

According to Dick Cheney, the consultant hired by the vatican to advise them on matters of transparency, the visitation could result in some communities of nuns’ being ordered to make changes, but those consequences may never become public.

The second investigation of nuns is a doctrinal can o' whoop-ass to be opened on the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, an umbrella organization that claims 1,500 members from about 95 percent of women’s religious orders. This investigation was ordered by the Vatican’s Congregation for the Bustin' of the Chops, which is headed by an American, Cardinal William (Wee Willie) Levada.

Cardinal Levada sent a letter to the Leadership Conference saying an investigation was warranted because it appeared that the organization had done little since it was warned eight years ago that it had failed to “promote” the church’s teachings on three issues: Dudes is Primo, homos is whack and the Roman Catholic Church is da bomb.

The letter goes on to say that, “Given both the tenor and the doctrinal content of various addresses” at assemblies the Leadership Conference has held in recent years, the problem has not been fixed. "I mean, last week one of the office nuns told me to get my own damn coffee," Cardinal Levada said. "Things are getting out of control."

“We are looking forward to clarifying some misperceptions,” Sister J. Lora Dambroski, president of the Leadership Conference, said in the e-mail message. "My foot up that pig's behind to my knee ought to clear up quite a few things," Dambroski added in a post script.

Sisters Schneiders and Dambroski and their staff prepare a Welcoming Reception for Cardinal Rodé and Cardinal Levada.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

There Is A Thin Line Between Genius And Insanity. I Have Erased This Line

You know, it's one thing to be crazy. Being crazy is a great American pastime. Heck, if you think about it, the Founding Fathers had to be a little off plumb when they thought they could go up against the British, who were the world's superpower at the time. OK, so the country was started by dudes who weren't quite squared away vis-a-vis deciding in whose face to kick sand. Things turned out pretty well, thinks us, and the flagrantly weird have been a major thread in this rich tapestry ever since.

However, there's crazy weird, off kilter, kind of lovable old cranks and crackpots, and there's evil crazy.

Michael Scheuer is evil crazy. Check it:

Allow us to reproduce that quote in case you didn't catch it: "The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States."

Michael Scheuer said that. Michael Scheuer who used to work for the CIA ostensibly defending this country against the very thing he is now hoping will happen.

OK, now to be fair we have to point out that he said this on crazy Glenn Beck's show. Yes, this Glenn Beck. You have to know the crazy is so thick in that studio it seeps into your very bones and causes you to say things you may not mean.

But still.

"The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States."

Michael Scheuer said that. On tee vee in front of god and everybody.

Can you be that crazy and still dress yourself in the morning?