Thursday, July 23, 2009

Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Phrase Stimulus Package

We're coming to you today from the Department of Clutched Pearls here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The D of C. P. is a division of the Fainting Couch Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Case o' the Vapors, LLC.

It seems TEH DEEMON SEXXORR has loosed itself upon the good christian folks of Fort Myers Beach.

A South Florida town manager who married a porn star last year was fired at an emergency meeting after the mayor and council members learned about it.

OMG!!! OMG!!1!! OMFG!!1!11!!!infinity! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??? DO YOU?? DO YOU GRASP THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS??? OMG!! OMG!!! A PORN STAR!!!1!!1! A FREAKIN' PORN STAR!!!! SHE'S HIS WIFE!!! SHE'S MRS. CITY MANAGER!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS????

Um...staff picnics are going to be a lot better attended than in the past?

Fort Myers Beach town council voted 5-0 to fire Scott Janke "without cause" after Mayor Larry Kiker called the Tuesday night meeting. "We decided the best thing for all concerned would be to let Mr. Janke go without clothes...er...I mean without cause."

Kiker said he learned one afternoon while doing "research" that Janke's wife is an adult film star, and the elected officials took the action a few hours later. When asked why it took him 'hours' to report to the city council, Kiker responded, "She was in a lot of films, I had to make sure it was her. Is it hot in here?"

"At no time did we make a judgment call on the activities of Mr. Janke or his wife," Kiker told The Associated Press. "It's a matter of how effective he becomes after this situation. How much disruption there is. Cripe, the thing just broke this morning and already half my staff is holed up in their offices with the doors locked. Place looks like a ghost town except for the occasional grunt. I'm not paying to clean those keyboards you guys!"

Kiker said a clause in Janke's contract permitted the council to fire him with a majority vote. He said he considers the Jankes friends. "Especially Mrs. Janke," he added. "In fact I'd really like to sit down with you over a cup of coffee sometime and explain my side of the story. Or maybe a cocktail. Someplace, quiet. Maybe out of town. Call me."

Kiker acknowledged that Janke had violated no rules or laws and added that he had done a good job for the island town that had about 6,500 people. "One of the reasons we brought him here is that there were some divisive problems on the beach," Kiker said. "We wanted him to bring people together."

"But not in that way," he added.

Councilman Tom Babcock, responding to residents' questions, said at a council meeting that Janke was fired because his wife's profession brought an inaccurate image to Fort Myers Beach. "Plus it just got too hard for us to see her around the office when she came to pick up her husband after work," Babacock said. "Wait, let me rephrase that."

"When you become a public figure you are held to a different level of scrutiny and ethics," Babcock said. When a reporter pointed out that Mr. Janke was the public figure, not his wife, Babcock responded, "Did you see her in MILF Mania? How about Cock Pit 4? There wasn't much that wasn't public about her, know what I'm saying...um...not that I'd know...just what I heard...don't have any first hand knowledge...gotta go now."

Attempts to contact council members via e-mail for follow up interviews were unsuccessful because "bandwidth issues" had crashed the city's server.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Florida is truly the" Back Road of America" where you can find a "Street to Anywhere".
It is no wonder that there are hives of "evangelists" who despite all their frauds and incestuous affairs,
( not to mention, pedophilia, ) just love to attack the obvious , "norm" of sexual persuasions...be it strippers, porn queens or gay guys.
"The laws are different here."...speaks volumes.
The man married the woman. The woman and man are in love. They have done nothing "wrong" but they are excommunicated from their circle of friends and employment?
Somebody should tell them they did nothing violent like all the Greyhound-racing in Naples-Fort Meyers...where Greyhounds have had their legs ripped off, or been euthanized a billion times because of injuries due to the course and the lures and probably speed.(drugs). And ," BTW," (thank you Martin Roper) their children get to see all this "free" if they are 12 years of age or less.
There are a lot of murders here, in Florida. There are a lot of missing children here, in Florida. And the wives and the girlfriends , by the hundreds, supposedly "disappear", here in Florida.
Isn't it nice to know that the porn star is safe with a loving man? And they even made it legal with marriage?
Nah. It's just too much for the evangelists, the Greyhound track "mobsters", half dealing in hoes and illicit drugs, and the other half pretending to be apart of a wholesome , political power called "republican", and even, yes, "democratic" .
"Back Roads" can be so lucrative....particularly in America.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Are you sure thats not "Grottos of Evangelicals"?

This has to be the dumbest story yet this week. Definitely a Fuctard Thursday Post.

Besides we all know that no illicit sex happens in florida, especially not during Spring Break at Daytona or whatever its called. And certainly not when all those prim and proper bikers come roaring through.

Anonymous said...

Well, this could get interesting.
According to the St. Petersburg Times, a high ranking federal prosecutor whose district is Central Florida said he is close to charging a public official with public corruption.
OK. This I want to do.

On the other hand, what is the news and why the firing of a guy with a porn star wife? Who knows how many women that have been laid off need to do the same thing to feed their kids?

Anonymous said...

I think Kiker will be fired.
The wife looks like a nun compared to half my neighbors.

Anonymous said...

Society is telling you something. No second chance.