Monday, February 04, 2008

We Didn't Realize The Mad Max Movies Were Documentaries

We're coming to you from the IM Central Undisclosed Location today. We're down here (or maybe up here, we're not saying) doing a pre-apocalypse inventory. Not that we're anticipating the total disintegration of social order, a floundering impotent central government and the ultimate collapse of the national infrastructure. No, not a bit. Just needed to clear a little brush away from the barbed wire, that's all. Nothing to worry about, right Mr. president?

President George W. Bush forecast the U.S. budget deficit would more than double in 2008 and blamed a weakening economy as he unveiled a $3.1 trillion spending plan for fiscal 2009. "If I were you, I'd learn to live off the land," the president told reporters.

The White House projections were immediately criticized by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers who said the numbers may gloss over the full extent of the fiscal deterioration. "We're talking roving gangs of hunger crazed, heavily armed soccer moms gone bad," said one republican senator who asked not to be named.

With the economy teetering on the brink of a recession, Bush said the deficit would reach $410 billion for the budget year 2008 that ends on September 30 and $407 billion for fiscal 2009 that begins on October 1. "We're just hoping order can be maintained in the cities until the president's term is over," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "If you live in a rural area, or a blue state, you're on your own."

Bush, after meeting with his Cabinet, said, "The budget protects America and encourages economic growth. Congress needs to pass it, but not until I'm in Paraguay."

The budget makes military spending and the Iraq war its centerpiece, proposing a 7.5 percent increase for the Pentagon to $515 billion. On top of that Bush also sought $70 billion more for the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. "Well, look, we figure gas will be $12 a gallon and most Americans will be out of work, so we won't need many domestic programs," Perino told reporters.

While some Republican legislators were drunk enough to welcome the budget, New Hampshire senator Judd Gregg, the senior republican on the Senate Budget Committee, was scathing, saying it lacked credibility. When asked if he had expected 'credibility' from the Bush administration, the senator grinned sheepishly and responded, "Oops. My bad."

A promised $150 billion stimulus package of tax rebates meant to jolt the economy away from recession will also add to the deficit. "Yeah, but we're hoping everyone will just use the money to get drunk, and not think about that," Perino said. "It's what we do."

Wait, you're talking about a Stoli subsidy. Hang on, we'll be right down (or up, we're not saying).

No comments: