In Our Defense, They Don't Have Golf In Mexico

We're coming to you today from the south facing parapet here at Castle IM. We're up here to assist in stemming the islamotaco illegal brown hoards flowing into this country and disappearing in the back alleys of the lawn care and hospitality industries.

Yeah, it's lonely duty, but we only have to do it until Homeland Security completes the South West Border Physical Interdiction Device, commonly known to those without technical training and an anti-terrorist background as a "wall."

In 2006, Congress passed the Secure Fence Act, also known as We've Run Out Of Ideas Bill, authored by Republican Congressman Peter King from New York because New Yorkers really care about people in Texas and California. The legislation mandated that 700 miles of double-fencing be built along the southern border from California to Texas. "Wait. Texas? I thought I was voting to wall off New Jersey," King said.

Most border residents expected the fence to run along the banks of the Rio Grande. "We sort of expected a border fence to, you know, be on the border," said Brownsville resident Eloisa Tamez.

But the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is marching down the Texas border serving condemnation lawsuits to frightened landowners such as Tamez. "Look, we've got an important job to do here," said one Homeland Security spokesperson who asked not to be identified. "If a couple of the Hispaniards get walled out in the process, well, omelet, eggs, know what I'm saying?"

Tamez, has one simple question. She would like to know why her land is being targeted for destruction by a border wall, while a nearby golf course and resort remain untouched. "We don't believe those crossing the border illegally would have the financial wherewithal to stay at a resort like that," said Greg Giddens executive director at the Secure Border Initiative Office. "So we don't feel it is necessary to protect those assets. Besides, did you see what it would do to the twelfth fairway? Totally make that hole unplayable."

Along the border, preliminary plans for fencing seem to target democrats, landowners of modest means and cities and public institutions such as the University of Texas at Brownsville. "Hey, the town is called BROWNS ville," said a spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security. In time, local landowners realized that the fence’s location had everything to do with politics and private profit, and nothing to do with stopping illegal immigration.

"Yeah. People in Texas are a little slow on the uptake," said Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security. "And George Bush was governor there too. you'd think they would have figured it out quicker, huh?"

Just 69 miles north, Daniel Garza, faces a similar situation with a neighbor who has political connections that reach the White House. In the small town of Granjeno, Garza points to a field across the street where a segment of the proposed 18-foot high border wall would abruptly end after passing through his brick home and a small, yellow house he gave his son. “All that land over there is owned by the Hunts,” he says. “The wall doesn’t go there.” In this area everyone knows the Hunts. Dallas billionaire Ray L. Hunt and his relatives are one of the wealthiest oil and gas dynasties in the world.

Jeanne Phillips, a spokesperson for Hunt Consolidated Inc., says that no one from the company has been directly involved in siting the fence. “We, have people for that,” she said.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said the agency would settle for building the fence atop the levee behind Garza’s house instead of through it. "We're all about responding to the needs of the people," Chertoff told reporters.

How did his agency decide where to build the segments? Chad Foster, the mayor of Eagle Pass, says he thought it was a simple enough question and that the answer would be based on data and facts. "Yeah, well like I said, people in Texas? A little slow," Chertoff said.

A GOP staffer who asked not to be identified, but who is familiar with the fence, says the fencing locations stemmed from statistics showing high apprehension and narcotic seizure rates. Maps released by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers showed the wall going through such properties as the University of Texas at Brownsville. "You know those college kids are high most of the time," the staffer said.

Loren Flossman, who’s in charge of tactical infrastructure for the office calls the University of Texas at Brownsville campus a problem area for illegal immigration. "Have you been to that campus?" he asked. "They've got brown people, yellow people, black people. It looks like people from all over the world are there. Seems suspicious to me. What would people from other countries be doing at an American college?"

In early February 2008, Chertoff asked Congress for $12 billion for border security. He included $775 million for the SBInet program, despite the fact that congressional leaders still can’t get straight answers from Homeland Security about the program.

Flossman said all data regarding the placement of the fence is classified because “you don’t want to tell the very people you’re trying to keep from coming across the methodology used to deter them.” When it was pointed out that it would be obvious where the fence was after it was built, Flossman responded "What fence?"