Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Well, No. But You Do Sort Of Look Like Charlton Heston

Yesterday's post got us thinking once again about our time in the educorporate complex. One of the things we used to look forward to was the Guest Speaker. These were usually local community types, mostly sober, who would volunteer time out of their busy day writing parking tickets, watching porn in the firehouse, or malpracticing law or medicine to come and share their wisdom with a group of proto delinquints and aspiring biker chicks. Ah, Elizabeth Arden's short skirts and back-lighting. Well, that's a story for another time.

Anyway, given the joy that strangers bring to the otherwise dreary worksheet-lunch-worksheet world of students, we feel bad that this guy didn't get to make his speech.

A man waving a brick barged into Monroe Middle School and ranted about the teachings of evolution before being arrested by police. "We're not sure what the brick was for," Middle school principal Ryan McLeod said. "But he kept held it up to his ear and said 'Hello, god? Are you still there? Dang, I've lost the call.'"

Police rushed to the school and took the man into custody. He was warned three times to drop the brick or be shot with a Taser. The man eventually complied and was taken away in handcuffs. "We convinced him that god was on the Principal's phone," said a Deputy.

Monroe police reported the man walked into the school office and immediately headed down a hallway toward the principals' offices. When stopped by employees, he began yelling at them asking if he looked like a monkey. "Actually, he did sort of look like a monkey," said Alvin Dawkins, the school custodian. "He had a wide nose and a sort of sloping brow. I didn't say anything though. He seemed pretty sensitive about it."

The man was identified as Mark A. Wood. He is being held in the Monroe County jail on charges of attempting to assault or resist a police officer, violating the school weapons free zone, disorderly conduct, and not having the brains god gave a mushroom.

"The best part is, no students were in danger," Mr. McLeod said. "Fortunately for us, he came right into the office. Now we can get back to teaching the kids about condoms, the homosexual lifestyle and how to be good Islamic fundamentalists."

No comments: