The President Will Take Your Questions Now, But Don't Expect Answers

Hey, come on man. You've got to give us at least 24 hours notice before you have a press conference. We barely had time to get to the liquor store, and as for organizing the drinking game, well since you killed Stay The Course all we've got is stand up and stand down. Jeez. Have a little concern for those of us who follow current events will you?

In his opening moments at the podium in the East Room of the White House, Bush departed starkly from a practice of not talking about specific deaths in Iraq. "There has been heavy fighting, many enemy fighters have been killed or captured and we've suffered casualties of our own," he said. "War is hard. When you're dead you don't come back like in the movies. I understand that. Hey Brian, nice suit."

Despite conceding painful losses, Bush said victory was essential in Iraq as part of the broader war on terror. "We're winning and we will win," the president said. "I will win, you will win, he, she, it will win. Laura taught me how to conjugal. Pretty neat, huh?"

Bush said that as those fighting American and Iraqi forces change their strategies, the United States is also adjusting its military tactics. "Why just the other day we changed our slogan. We've changed the reason we invaded Iraq I don't know how many times since the war started. If that's not flexibility I don't know what is."

The president said that talk of timetables for troop withdrawals "is not coming from the inner circles in the U.S. government," but the product of the American election campaign. "We are not much concerned about that," he said. "Of course, as long as no one bombs the White House, or messes up my vacation, we're not much concerned about anything."

Bush sought a middle ground in terms of pressing the Iraqis to accept more of the responsibility for their own fate and said that "a fixed timetable for withdrawal in my judgment means defeat. Of course, it was my judgment that got us into this mess, so I might not be the best person to ask."

As he has repeatedly, Bush predicted that Republicans would hold control of the House and Senate in two weeks' time, despite widespread predictions to the contrary. "The American people will decide," who wins, he said. "At least that's what my friends at Diebold tell me."

Bush doggedly defended the job that defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has done. "I'm satisfied at how he's done all his jobs. He's a smart, tough, capable administrator," the president said. "For a complete idiot that is, but hey, who else would work in an administration like mine? And people already in jail or about to go don't count."

Bush spoke as polls showed the public has become strongly opposed to the war, and increasing numbers of Republican candidates have signaled impatience with the president's policies. "Oh, yeah, like it's my fault they're all going to jail or getting caught diddling the pages. Look, if I've told them once, I've told them a thousand times, set up shell companies and stay home when you drink, but do they listen? Why just the other day, Cunningham called me for a reference so he could get a job in the laundry. 'Duke,' I said, 'whatever made you think you could get away with that level of graft when your father was no where near as influential as mine?' 'My bad Mr. president,' he said. 'I forgot your cardinal rule of always have someone who can bail you out.' That's right I told him. You can't be a incompetent as I have for as long as I have and not learn athing or two along the way."