Hey, World Instability Is My Job

President Bush denounced a reported North Korean nuclear test as provocative, "unacceptable" and a threat to global peace and security. "If anybody's going to be a threat to global peace and security, it's going to be me," the president told reporters.

"Look," the president continued, "Kim il Jong isn't even a Christian. Now me and Ahmadinejad both know the end of the world is coming. It's just a matter of who gets here first, Jesus or Mohammed. We don't need no Buddha lover horning in on this."

In a brief statement in the diplomatic reception room of the White House, Bush said that North Korea already was "one of the world's leading proliferators" of missile technology. "Right behind us," the president said. "And we don't need the competition."

"The transfer of nuclear weapons or material by North Korea to states or non-state entities would be considered a grave threat to the United States," Bush said. "And we would hold North Korea fully accountable for the consequences of such action. And by consequences we mean impotent threats and meaningless name calling. Don't make me send Bolton over there," the president warned.

Bush, speaking soberly, said that in his discussion with other world leaders, "All of us agreed thatI'm an idiot. Then we agreed the proclaimed actions taken by North Korea are unacceptable and deserve an immediate response by the United Nations Security Council."Added the president: "Threats will not lead to a brighter future for the North Korean people. But since I've pretty much screwed the pooch with Iraq and Afghanistan, threats is all we got."

House Speaker Dennis Hastert R-Homo Hider, issued a statement denouncing North Korea's action as "the desperate act of a criminal regime" and said the House would support Bush and the international community in condemning that country's "reckless decision. In fact, we'd support dog poo in the Congressional cafeteria if it would take the focus off Mark Foley."

John Bolton, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, said the United States would move quickly to seek a Security Council resolution condemning and possibly sanctioning North Korea. "I'll be getting that over to the UN right after I slap the snot out of my Secretary for letting my coffee get cold," Bolton said.

Asked whether he knew of any plans for a military response, White house Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said "Yeah. Right. What are we going to do? Activate the boy scouts?"

Another U.S. government official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of political sensitivity of the situation, said the seismic event could have been a nuclear explosion, but its small size was making it difficult for authorities to verify that. "See, part of the reason the North Koreans are the way they are is because of the small size of their...er...units. You'd think that the North Koreans and the president could find common ground here."