Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Secretary Rumsfeld, Now That You've Wrecked The Middle East, What's Next? "I'm Going To Disneyland!"

OK, here's our question. Is secretary of defense Rumsfeld like, not sending out Christmas cards or something? Is he forgetting birthdays? We ask because today we read this about the smackdown Lord Rummy is getting from his former peeps:

Major General Paul Eaton concluded that the defense secretary was "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically, and is far more than anyone responsible for what has happened to our important mission in Iraq. Let me put that in layman's terms," Eaton continued. "The man wouldn't know a sound military idea if it crawled up his leg and bit him on the...well, you get the picture."

Oh, it's that whole screwed up the war thing again. Got it.

Major General John Batiste, who led the 1st Infantry Division said he "served under a secretary of defense who didn't understand leadership, who was abusive, who was arrogant, who didn't build a strong team. In other words, Rumsfeld's about as good at military strategy as George Bush is at being president."

Hmmm...that's a low blow. Low bar too.

Major General Charles Swannack, the former commander of the elite 82nd Airborne Division in Iraq stressed that culpability for abuses at Abu Ghraib prison leads "directly back to secretary Rumsfeld. Responsibility is on him like stink on a dog turd."


"Considering the level at which these generals operated, the things they've been saying mean Rumsfeld's tha W-to-tha-izzorst joke in tha world," said Brigadier General. David R. Irvine, an Army Reserve strategic intelligence officer.

Fer shizzle.

So how does our "embattled" secretary of defense respond? Well, first he heads for the Rush Limbaugh show.

Now, because we have a lot of respect for our readers and like to uphold a high degree of professionalism on this blog we aren't going to stoop to the level of saying this is like little Rummy running to his mommy to talk about all the bad men who didn't like him.

We also aren't going to make any comments about whether Rush was stoned during the interview either because that would just detract for our insightful analysis of the comments of the generals, and the secretary's response:

Rumsfeld told Limbaugh he dismissed the barrage of reproach, suggesting that "the same kinds of criticism" had come and gone during all major American wars. "OK, well not from the wars we won, but when you look at all the boneheads in charge during Vietnam...wait a minute...let me rephrase that," he said. "Can I have some of what you got in that bottle?"

During a press conference last week, General Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, defended the man who appointed him. Rumsfeld did not appear to have a weapon.

"I am not speaking under duress," Pace said, reading from the tele-prompter. He said that the top brass had "multiple opportunities" to express their views, but Rumsfeld was seldom in the room at the time. "And when a decision's made by the secretary of defense," Pace said, "unless it's illegal or immoral, We go on about doing what we've been told to do."

Then Salon magazine revealed that Rumsfeld was personally involved in directing the harsh interrogation of a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay, according to a sworn statement by an Army lieutenant general who investigated prisoner abuse at the U.S. base in Cuba.

"Uh...OK...I'm going to let the secretary take it from here," Pace said.

Rear Admiral John D. Hutson sees a "spontaneous combustion" behind the firestorm of criticism, rather than a coordinated attack by the generals on Rumsfeld. "A number of leaders seem to be coming to the same conclusions at the same time about how poorly the war is going," he said. "We don't get out much," he added in explanation to why it took so long.

The White House has made it clear that Rumsfeld will remain in his post. During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush reminded the nation, "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."

In response to the gales of laughter from the audience over his "decider" remark the president said he was no longer going to allow gay parents on the grounds.

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