Resign? Don't DeLay

Here in the halls of IM Central we have learned to appreciate the bountiful gifts of the gods of sophomoronic humor. It is thus with sadness we note the passing of Tom DeLay, aka The Hammer, aka Skybox Tommy. Adieu to The Prince of Payoffs, the Earl of Earmarks, The Duke of...oh, wait a minute, that title's taken. So adieu. You're good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of this little blog doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Remember, we'll always have K Street.

Succumbing to scandal, former Majority Leader Tom Delay intends to resign from Congress within weeks, closing out a career that blended unflinching greed with a scruple free political style. "I'm only sorry I left witnesses," DeLay told a group of reporters outside his Sugar land home.

"He has served our nation with about as much integrity and honor as I have," said Majority Leader John Boehner, (R-Toady).

A formal announcement of DeLay's plans was expected at a Houston news conference. DeLay emerged from his Sugar Land home, greeted reporters and photographers but did not respond to questions. "I'll see y'all later," DeLay said, as he got into a waiting car and was driven away. "I've got a few last minute collections to make. Gotta pump up that defense fund you know."

"I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat just because I might be in jail by then," DeLay said. "The voters of the 22nd district of Texas deserve what they got these last years, but even a crook like me is better than some liberal Christian hating, fag loving Democrat. Not that I'm into the politics of personal destruction or anything like that."

DeLay is under indictment in Texas as part of an investigation into the allegedly illegal use of funds for state legislative races. "I'm completely innocent and besides it's all my staff's fault," DeLay told reporters.

Separately, the Texan's ties with lobbyist Jack Abramoff caused him to formally surrender his post as majority leader in January, within days after the lobbyist entered into a plea bargain as part of a federal congressional corruption probe. "I'm completely innocent and it's all a vast Jewish conspiracy, if you get my drift," DeLay told reporters.

More recently, former DeLay aide Tony Rudy said he had conspired with Abramoff and others to corrupt public officials, and he promised to help the broad federal investigation of bribery and lobbying fraud that already has resulted in three convictions. "I'm completely innocent...oh wait. Rudy? Never heard of him," DeLay told reporters.

In a separate interview with Time Magazine, DeLay says he plans to make his Virginia condominium his primary residence. "Gonna lay low till the heat's off in Texas," he said.

Don't bother Tommy boy. We know where to find you when things get slow in Katherine Harris' campaign.