He's Gonna Do It Till He Gets It Right

This is odd. We could have sworn that the last time we heard Senator Kerry (D-Verbosity) talk about the war he was like, running for president or something. Didn't he lose that? We haven't seen the paper recently. "Baseball players get three swings. That's all I'm saying," a Kerry aide commented.

"We haven't had a unity government in the United States for almost 15 years, Kerry said. "But if Iraqis aren't willing to build a unity government in five months, screw 'em. We're outta there."

"This war is so last year," Kerry told reporters. "Iraqi politicians should be told that they have until May 15 to put together a sham government so we can declare victory and withdraw our military just like we did in Korea, Viet Nam and South Central L.A.."

Iraqi leaders so far "have responded only to deadlines -- a deadline to transfer false authority to a powerless government, and a deadline to hold three pointless elections that just got a lot of people killed. We're the ones that can't seem to meet any deadlines." Kerry said. "OK, so they haven't actually accomplished anything of importance by meeting the deadlines, and nothing's really changed, but somebody's got to take responsibility for this mess."

To deflect responsibility from the US, Kerry suggested bringing all the leaders of Iraqi factions together "in a neutral setting, sort of like the NCAA does during the tournament. Except this will be more like a steel cage smackdown. We'll give the winner a few bucks and a couple of power stations, send him on his way and start getting organized to invade Iran. God, I'm good at this. I should be the president. Damn Ohio."