That Torture You Think Is Torture Really Isn't Torture. Except The Part That Is

See, what people have to realize is that when the government says something, well, that's what it is. That would sure save Attorney General Alberto (The Mexican Glow Stick) Gonzales a lot of time running around telling people we don't torture those people we are torturing. OK. We're not torturing them. The people we've hired are torturing them. Ain't globalization great?

Gonzales, speaking at the International Institute for Eye Gouging, denied such charges but acknowledged that rational people might interpret the term "torture" in ways "that reflect an ongoing connection with reality. Sleep deprivation, mock executions, waterboarding, the Bent Up, electrodes, dogs, most people think that's torture," Gonzales said. "That just shows you how uniformed most people outside of the Administration are. We have our own definition, and that's the intentional infliction of stuff we wouldn't do unless we thought we could get away with it."

Asked for an example of torture under the Administration definition Gonzales referred the reporters to Vice President Gores' speech on Martin Luther King Day. "Wasn't that just like finger nails on a blackboard?" he said. "Not that that would be torture either."

"The United States has always been and remains a great defender of Republican rights and the rule of law which, as our forefathrs wrote it, states might makes right," Gonzales said. "And if you cross us, then your scrawny behind is in for some serious realignment. "

On the subject of the Guantanamo Bay prison camp, Gonzales said detainees were treated properly and afforded legal protections. Then his head exploded. Again.

An aide to Gonzales, who took over the briefing defended their treatment and said the United States had to use all available tools to fight terror, reiterating administration claims the detainees at Guantanamo were "highly dangerous people."

The prison, which opened in January 2002, now holds about 490 men suspected of being brown and from a foreign country. Though many inmates have spent several years at the camp, only 10 have been charged and await trial.

Asked why, if they were so dangerous, none had been tried, or sentenced on any charge the aide replied that as the detainees were so dangerous, "we're afraid to get them out of their cells." Asked if he was referring to people like Ali Abdul Motalib Hassan al-Tayeea the aide explained that "people needing work" was an excuse often heard as a reason to join anti-American groups. "Who are they trying to kid," the aide said." They're all rolling in that oil money over there. Our oil money."

Later, a patched together Gonzales said the United States was continually reassessing the need for the camp to remain open and could consider closing it if circumstances changed. Asked what those circumstances might be Gonzales replied "if donkeys fly."