Tuesday, March 21, 2006

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Well, fresh off the catastrophic success of his speaking tour, today the president launches himself directly on the press with his second press conference of the year...and it's only almost April. Now, before you second guessers and nay sayers jump into the discussion, we feel obligated to tell you that being president is hard work. So stick that in your unarmored Humvee and drive it up the Baghdad highway.

Anyway, taking a page from some of the blogs written by people who are actually sober this time of day, we decided to tune in on the president's press conference and try our hand at this "live blogging" thingy. Thinking on our feet, snappy comebacks, hilarious rejoinders, the whole basket of fish. What could go wrong? Let's roll:

10:05: The president says reigning in federal spending is a priority. Great. He's going to lock himself in a closet until 2009. Ah, no, it's all Congress' fault. He does know about vetoes, doesn't he?

10:09: Did he just say the insurgents use violence to spread violence? They stole that strategy from us didn't they?

10:12: Wait. Baghdad isn't the capital of Iran. Well, not yet anyway. Aha! Another piece of our strategy is unveiled.

10:14: Uh oh. Bush calls on Helen Thomas. So, the rumors that the president comes to these things high is true. Helen warns him the question is going to be a doozy. He doesn't seem to care. Man is he wasted. What's the real reason he went into Iraq?

Uh oh. Now they're having words. Looks like the president is getting ready to take off his belt. "No president wants war." Yeah, but she's not talking your war in Afghanistan she's talking about Iraq.
Oh Snap! Where are the guys pretending to be secret service? Oh. Wait a minute. Jokes about Helen's performance at the Gridiron. Whew! Another potential conflict disarmed with humor. Too bad we couldn't use that strategy today in Iraq.

10:22: Ok, Rumsfeld is up. Should he go or stay? We know it's Rumsfeld because the reporter used the term "Tone Deaf"
which is Rumsfeld's secret service designation. Bush says he's satisfied with the people he's got around him which makes sense we suppose, in a birds of a feather kind of way.

Who's the "gray beard" they're talking about? Did a reporter just ask if Gandalf was going to join the administration?

10:30: Uh oh. The polls. This is going to be painful. Or maybe not. The president's job is to go out and "tell people what's on my mind." So. That's why he takes so many vacations. Nothing left to say.

10:33: Oops. Not done with Rumsfeld. Bush doesn't believe he should resign because he conducted "two battles" in Afghanistan and Iraq. We get that. The two battles went well. The rest of the wars are in the crapper, but those two battles? First rate stuff there.

10: 39: On to the warrantless spying program. The president believes there should be "
an honest and open debate without needless partisanship." Then he goes on to paint the Democrats as the party against keeping tabs on terrorists. Our ironicus has just passed its maximus.

And that's our cue to switch over to The Price Is Right.

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