Laws Are For Little People. I'm Tom DeLay Bee Otch

OK, what is it you have to do in this country not to get reelected? Tom DeLay held off three challengers to keep the Republican nomination to the U.S. House. According to final but unofficial returns, DeLay scored 20,558 votes, or 62 percent. Sixty Two percent. That means six out of every ten people who voted, bought into DeLay's campaign slogan, "Vote for me. It may be your last chance."

In the Ironicus can't get much more Maximus department, the Congressman, who spent election day in Washington at a lobbyist fundraiser. He plans to return to the district this weekend and personally thank those who voted for him by spitting in their faces. "That ought to get us a couple of extra points in the election this fall," an aide said.

Plans also include having Delay go on local television and beat a puppy to death with a hammer. "We figure that will really run with the younger voter," said a spokesperson for Delay's campaign.

DeLay held on to his ballot position by avoiding public discussions of his considerable political problems — a felony money-laundering indictment, close ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff and the loss of his leadership position. "Most of the people who vote for Tom can neither read nor write," said political scientist Cal Jillson of Southern Methodist University in Dallas. "At one rally he told them that 'indictment' meant he was getting an award for 100% attendance."

"Democrat attacks and the politics of personal destruction were heavily used by my opponents in this Republican primary, and they were rejected just like they will be in November," DeLay said in a statement. "Oh, and by the way, I'd appreciate if you'd quit calling my office with your petty concerns. You're tying up the lines and my staff can't contact donors."

DeLay was indicted last year and is awaiting trial on charges that he illegally funneled corporate donations to GOP candidates for the Texas House in 2002. "You think I'm going to jail?" DeLay asked reporters. "I'm Tom DeLay Bee otch!"

DeLay also has come under scrutiny over his ties to Abramoff, who pleaded guilty to fraud in January and is cooperating in an investigation of influence-peddling on Capitol Hill. "Abramoff is small time," DeLay said. "I don't need him to commit fraud. The fraud I commit before breakfast makes his fraud look like it was done by girl scouts."

Nick Lampson, who will be DeLay's Democratic opponent in the November general election, told supporters that he was a man with "thick skin and hard hands" ready to take on DeLay. "Tom DeLay gets headlines for all the wrong reasons," he said. "Well, I'm looking forward to that headline on November 8th — No Further DeLay."

"What a loon," said a DeLay spokesperson. Wait until he sees the bounce we get when Tom robs a bank."