It's Not That We Have Anything Against Your Heathen False God

Today we are reporting from the My God's Bigger Than Your God office here at IM Central. A resolution stating that “voluntary prayer in public schools, religious displays on public property, and the recognition of a Christian God are not a coalition of church and state” has made it through the committee process and is scheduled for a floor vote in Missouri.

"This shouldn't be construed as discriminatory towards those who worship the wrong gods," said sponsor David Sater (R- Inquisition). "That's right," echoed co-sponsor Barney Joe Fisher (R- Litmus Test). "We aren't going after you because you're a heathen or anything."

The resolution “is just a political statement about Christianity, and why it's the only true American religion,” said Representative John P. Burnett (R- Zealot).

The resolution states that:

“Whereas, our forefathers of this great nation of the United States recognized a Christian God (Well, except the ones who didn't) and used the principles afforded to us by Him as the founding principles of our nation (Well, except for the principles that came form English philosophers)

“Whereas, as elected officials we should protect the majority's right to express their religious beliefs while showing disdain for those who object (Until we're able to lock them up)

“Now, therefore, be it resolved…that we stand with the small minded and intolerant, that voluntary prayer to our god (not yours, ours) in public schools and religious displays on public property as long as said displays are Christian are not a coalition of church and state, but rather the justified recognition of the fact that rich white guys are in charge and the rest of you can eat dirt and die.”

Religious leaders blasted the proposed Missouri House resolution that supports prayer in schools and recognizes a "Christian God," saying legislators are pushing Christianity as a state religion. "What's your point?" said Representative Sater.

Some lawmakers blamed the backlash on a misunderstanding of the purpose of such resolutions. "All we're trying to do is make sure everyone knows who's boss, and that boss is Jesus Christ," said Representative Burnett. "It's a free country. If you don't like it move."

The proposed resolution states that... As elected officials we should protect the majority's right to express their religious beliefs while showing respect for those who object."

When asked why the majority needed protection and not the minority, Representative Sater responded that several of his constituents had felt uneasy walking through airports and being approached by Hare Krishnas. "Who do they think they are, Seventh Day Adventists or something? We had to take action."

The Reverend Mark Friz, senior pastor at St. Paul's Evangelical Church in St. Louis, said he was "100 percent behind this resolution. I'd like to see a two dollar per month non-conforming fee charged to every heathen," He said. "It would be a great way to raise money for home school programs because the public schools are godless sewers of vice and depravity. But that's just me."

House Speaker Pro Tem Carl Bearden (R-Speaks in Tongues) said that just because a resolution is filed, it doesn't necessarily represent the views of the entire Legislature. While the resolution on religion has cleared the House Rules Committee, there's no guarantee it will go further, he said. "Sometimes we do stuff like this just because we can."