It's Not Torture If God Is On Your Side

Well, technically the president is right here. When he ships prisoners off to secret jails in foreign countries the locals do the torturing, so when the president says "we do not torture," 'we' is him and Barney. Beyond that, it's anyone's guess.

Bush defended his efforts to stop the U.S. Congress from forcing the administration to act in a humane manner towards terrorism suspects. "Because we don't torture anyone already, if Congress limits our ability not to do what we aren't doing, then we may not be able not to do that in the future."

He did not confirm or deny the existence of CIA secret prisons that everyone except Paris Hilton already knows about. "All I can say is Dick told me there is no reason to visit the old car factory south of Bancock," the president told assembled reporters.

"We are catching arabs and bringing them to Jesus...er...I mean justice," Bush said. "It's just that the cost of conversion...er...I mean the cost of torture...no...wait..let me fix this thing in my ear. OK. We don't torturer. I'm told we use aggressive interrogation protocols in which cost is based on who is being tortured. Ouch! Quit shouting Dick!"

Vice President Dick Cheney has been spearheading an effort on Capitol Hill to have the CIA exempt from acting in a civilized manner.

When asked by reporters what his justification for opposing the ban on torture was, Vice President Cheney remarked that he "didn't need no stinking justification." He said "It's like when somebody disrespects your family, or more important Halliburton. People, particularly brown people, need to recognize that they can't get away with that and we're going to send them to talk to the fishes any way we can...er I mean any way that is lawful."

Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel said that the Bush administration was making a "terrible mistake" in opposing the McCain amendment. "McCain was a prisoner of war when Cheney's biggest worry was making sure he didn't miss his tee time," Hagel said. "Cheney ought not to be telling a hero how to conduct a war when his middle name is 'undisclosed location.'"

The Senate voted 90-9 for the McCain amendment to prohibit the use of torture and abuse of prisoners in U.S. custody. Vice President Cheney said it was one of the "darkest days of the Reich...er the administration."