The Dog Ate My Disaster Plan

Without seeming to heap too much praise upon ourselves, we can say that when it came to excuses for not getting our work done while inmates of the educorporate complex, we had no peer. Therefore, with a sense of duty to our country we humbly offer ourselves to the Bush administration for service in the campaign to explain why deadlines are for other people. We can talk about remuneration later once we see if Armstrong Williams goes to jail.

The Bush administration has missed dozens of deadlines set by Congress after the Sept. 11 attacks for developing ways to protect airplanes, ships, and railways from terrorists. "We deliver reports to the White House," said one spokesperson, "but they keep disappearing. The president suspects Barney."

A plan to defend ships and ports from attack is six months overdue. Rules to protect air cargo from infiltration by terrorists are two months late. A study on the cost of anti terrorism training for federal law enforcement officers who fly commercially was supposed to be done more than three years ago. "Hey, we got an extension on that anti terrorism training," said a Homeland Security spokesperson. "My grandmother died that weekend and I had to go to the funeral. Then I got mono."

Congress must share the blame for the department's sluggishness in protecting commerce and travel from terrorists, according to other observers. "They kept wanting to know what progress was being made on the plans. What's up with that? asked a FEMA official who spoke under condition of anonymity.

Mississippi Representative Bennie Thompson said the government has yet to develop a comprehensive plan to protect roads, bridges, tunnels, power plants, pipelines, and dams. He said a broad plan to protect levies and dams might have helped prevent the New Orleans levies from being breached. "Well, that and funding the Army Corps of Engineers so they would have actually been able to build reinforce the levees."