Every War Has Casualities

So we've reading a lot lately about the so called culture wars (Yes, we can read. Without moving our lips too). If we understand this correctly, Christians, and particularly republican Christians are the good guys and the rest of us, particularly Christians who are democrats are heathen pagans who drink the blood of womb babies and worse, vote for affirmative action and gay marriage.

Pretty simple, and we admit to being attracted to simple. Black/white. Light/dark. Saved/damned. We get it. And given that complexity takes time and effort to process and comprehend, we can empathize with those who would rather have their values produced at the factory and shipped completely assembled next day air postage paid. In fact, if it weren't for the all or nothing membership fee we might be tempted to join the club.

Which brings us to today's conundrum. President Clinton came within a hair (facial were told, not the other kind) of being tossed out on his ear for ...umm...paying too much attention to his pole...er..polls, but Representative Don Sherwood shacks up with a hottie, slaps her around, gets sued, settles out of court and he's a "GOP rising star." We don't get it. Oh wait..."rising"...nevermind.

Sherwood reached a settlement Tuesday with a former mistress who accused him of abuse in a $5.5 million lawsuit, according to his lawyer. "Don's really the victim here," said Sherwood's attorney, Bobby Burchfield. "He's known all around the capitol because he's always taking in strays. It's just this time he took in one he could...er...caucus with and it got the better of him. Could have happened to anybody."

Attorneys for Cynthia Ore and Congressman Don Sherwood announced that their clients have resolved their differences. "Ore gets a nice house in Alexandria and a trust fund. Sherwood stays out of jail. Sounds good to me," said an aide to the Congressman.

Sherwood, a fourth-term congressman, is married with three daughters. He issued a statement this summer apologizing for the affair but denying he physically hurt Ore. "Don's an effusive guy," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "He's left bruises on me just by saying good morning."

Cynthia Ore could not be reached for comment as she was out shoppping for her new Congressman...er...Porsche.