Candlelit Dinners Aren't Allowed. Glowsticks OK?

Well, despite the four star cuisine, the idyllic tropical setting, and the fact that Rush says what we're doing is OK with him, it seems these persistent stories about torturing the Guantanamo prisoners...er, enemy combatants...er, kidnapees...no detainees...yeah that's the term. Anyway folks are getting a little concerned that we may be, shall we say, a little too enthusiastic in extracting information from people who may know someone who may know a guy who might have had a conversation with someone who may have been in on an alleged plan to steal Abdul's prize goat.

A new independent investigation of abuse allegations at Guantanamo Bay isn't necessary Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said. "I think that to go back into all of the things that's already been reviewed by everybody else doesn't make sense. Especially since any independent investigation would probably want to look at more than what's on the detainees' menu."

The White House also rejected the idea of an independent commission, citing 10 major investigations by the Pentagon. "Look, they're the guys using the glowsticks," Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. "I think they're in the best position to get to the bottom of the situation." He added, "Uh...no pun intended."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has said an independent commission could explore how troops were trained. "My understanding is that soldiers don't, know how to properly chain people down until they defecate on themselves. I want to know who wrote the manual on that."

Some detainees have been incarcerated for more than three years without being charged. Rumsfeld defended the detentions by citing the prisoners' alleged deeds. "We're pretty sure that if we'd left some of them alone, they might have tried to think about ways to possibly hurt us. Maybe," he said.

Asked if there were any plans to try or release detainees, Rumsfeld said, "That's not a decision for me. That's a decision for the president which he plans to get to as soon as he learns to pronounce Abu Ghraib."