Tuesday, June 28, 2005

And Afterwards, We'll Visit The Vomitorium

The only thing more fun than a major speech by the president is a major speech on Friday during happy hour. This being a Tuesday however, some controls will have to be placed on the presidential bloviatory drinking game that will allow those who perform important societal functions--say police, fire and pizza delivery people--to carry the rest of us tomorrow. As part of our community...er...public service therefore, we here at the marbled halls of IM Central offer the following guidelines:

The audience for his speech will be 600 to 700 soldiers. Watch their eyes. They will be looking off the to left to get their applause cues. Recommendation: when they applaud, one swig from the gallon of cheap red you're passing around.

Bush will argue that there is no need to change course in Iraq despite the fact that it's been over two years since he declared "Mission Accomplished" and we still don't even control Baghdad. Recommendation: Every time the president says "progress" shot of Absolut.

The president will remind us that 8 million people went to the polls and voted in Iraq. Makes sense, since without electricity or running water there wasn't much else to do. Recommendation: Down two shots of Jim Beam if he uses the number, one shot if he doesn't.

Bush has said we will not leave until Iraqi security forces are trained and equipped to keep the peace. Recommendation: If you think this is Deja 'Nam all over again, shot of Tanquery. If you believe Iraqi forces will be unable to take over for the US in time for your grandchildren to avoid the draft, get drunk before the speech starts.

Bush's approval ratings have fallen to the lowest levels of his presidency in part because of growing fears about Iraq. Recommendation: If he tells us he doesn't care about his popularity, chug a beer. If you're for the war, Bud Lite, if you're against it, Heineken, or 3 Monts.

Bush will stress the need for patience as Iraq moves toward establishing a permanent democratic government. Recommendation: "Freedom's on the march," shot of tequila. "Stay the Course" chug Jack Daniels until your eyes water, "Clear path to victory," Everclear until you pass out.

Special bonus: If he makes veiled attacks on opponents by implying they would rather give the terrorists therapy than blow them and their countries up, go find someone with a college degree and beat them up for America.

As always, drink responsibly and use a designated driver.

2 comments:

La Bona said...

A very well written blog. Keep it up ...

Hi there

Apologies for posting an off topic question here.

I am inviting your views on ABORTION in order to present a case to help those in the developing world.

I personally see abortion as a NECESSARY EVIL and that unwanted pregnancy is not only a personal problem and it is also a very real problem for the society at large.

Do you think it is right to burden say a 15 years old school-going girl with a new life when she is yet to have any economic mean to sustain herself and obviously, most girls of her age are not mentally ready for a family life. Furthermore, is it fair to rob her of her career, aspiration, dream etc., in the name of preserving a life that is yet to be fully developed?

If you have an opinion, please email it to me at divinetalk@gmail.com or if you wish, you may post your comment here: Your Opinion Counts!

Thanks,
La Bona

Beth said...

I'll have you know that I consider your instructions to be a blatant effort by the far right to numb the minds of -- if not kill off completely -- the liberal elites. Your effort is transparent because your intelligence is outdated. We hardly EVER drink jug red wine any more, nor do we stick candles in Bolla bottles and let the wax get all melty over the straw stuff. Jesus, I'm surprised you didn't mention brie! So back to the drawing board, Tex -- YOU CAN'T FOOL US!