Monday, February 07, 2005

You'll Thank Me For This When You're CEO

We're beginning to think the No Child Left Behind Act should be changed to No Child's Behind Left. The General brings you up to date on the, shall we say, rash, of child beating tips and techniques that have been lovingly put forth by the good Christian parents advisory group.

Now, we're not theologians here in the Marbled Halls, but we don't recall Jesus coming upside anyone's head, or threatening them "with the buckle end" of the belt as our own dearly beloved daddy used to do. Nor do we recall thinking that said daddy was a particularly Christian man after he meted out some of what is politely called corporal punishment. We do recall thinking one time that if that was the corporal, we didn't want to see the Captain.

The point is however, that it seems these church going, God fearing, Bible quoting, tithing Christians know one thing: Beatings don't make children better. Beatings make them sneakier.

And that is why this whole Mutiny on the Bounty theory of child raising is masterful thinking on the part of Christian parents. They know that the threat of a session with "old Brownie" or The Rod or the "Chastisement Instrument" helps young Christian boys (apparently they're the only one's who need beating. Of course the girls don't get out much anyway without a chaperone. It's the sex thing you know) Anyway, the threat of a beating helps young Christian boys develop predictive skills, planning strategies and probability awareness. In other words, they figure out how to get away with it. Brilliant!

Once these young men learn to avoid the lash through guile and deceit, they are ready for the corporate world. Those who don't learn and are continually caught and beaten become Pastors. Take that Dr. Spock!

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