Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Hope I Die Before I Get Old

Everybody knows old people are a problem. If it weren't for old people we wouldn't have the social security crisis. Young people are a problem too, but at least they can be thrown in prison or executed. Old people because they're, umm...old, tend not to run afoul of the law that often.

Still, because they're old and tend to break down a lot and it costs money to keep them alive, but since they can't work they don't make money and need programs like medicaid to pay for keeping them minimally healthy.

Who pays for this? We do. People too young to need it and too old to worry about being thrown in prison for taking a sleeping pill.

The old people maintenance cost creates quite a dilemma for legislators who are trying to keep old people alive long enough to vote for them, but know that younger people are more likely to remember it's election day and are also less likely to forget who raised their taxes.

Well, Mr. or Ms. Legislator, worry no more. Alabama has come up with a solution. A proposed constitutional amendment to expand and tax bingo. Brilliant!

Think about it. Who plays bingo? Old people. So, we tax the money they lose, then return it to them in the form of drugs and medical attention that keeps them going long enough to lose some more money so we can turn around and use that to buy them more drugs.

Bingo games are currently legal in in Macon and Greene counties in Alabama, but local constitutional amendments require proceeds from the games go to charities. Charities? Get real. Who is a bigger charity case than some old geezer spending the last of his social security check on cat food. And he doesn't have a cat.

If this amendment passes it would be that geezer's lawful duty to spend his last penny on bingo so that money could be returned to him in the form of a Viagra prescription. In fact, if he didn't spend money on bingo, we could probably throw him in jail. Wait, that is the solution to the youth problem. Hmmm...don't get old in Alabama.

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