Friday Hound Blogging

You know, we spend quite a lot of time on this blog pointing out that the overlords are, as a group, oh, how to say this politely...fecal matter? No that's not it. Fecal matter can be used as fertilizer and so has a purpose.

Well, no matter. The point is that we have painted the overlords with a broad brush and may have contributed to an overall impression amongst our reader(s) that these people are somewhat less that fully functioning sentient beings who lack even the rudiments of those characteristics which we like to refer to as part of what it takes to be a human being.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, this week we thought we'd change the focus a little and present for your edification the Ironicus Maximus Spotlight in which we zero in on one particular overlord so that you can see for yourself that, once you get to know individual overlords, your opinion of them...erm...doesn't change at all.

This week, Eb Neter because...well he expects us to believe his name is really Eb Neter.

Now, according to Eb's bio he's been handicapping greyhounds for thirty years from Florida to New Hampshire because you have to move around a lot when you owe that many people that much money.   In that time Eb has written 508 articles on greyhound racing which have attracted  almost 38,000 views and...uh...one comment. That's almost 8,000 views per article and...uh...one comment.

OK in Eb's defense we have to say that it's a well known fact that people dumb enough to bet on greyhounds have what can best be described as a love hate relationship with that whole reading and writing thing, and if it hadn't been for Eb clicking on his own articles 80 times a day only his mom and that guy who thinks greyhounds are actually aliens from Proxima Centauri sent here to observe us prior to the invasion would have found the articles anyway.

Still, Eb thinks he has something important to say and the fact that he is saying to to people who have the cumulative IQ of tree bark hasn't stopped him from penning such classics as Why Did Bac's Xtreme Beat Yahoo Omar in the He's My Man Classic at Palm Beach Kennel Club? Answer: Because he got to the finish line first. Or how about Greyhound Handicapping - When to Bet Wide Runners. When? When they're faster than the other dogs. And who can forget How to Win on Dogs - Are You Serious? Answer: I have to have my address pinned to my shirt so I can get home, what do you think? And our personal favorite Why Don't We Just Cut The Crap And You Just Send Me Your Money.

It's like Eb says, "Empty your wallet of credit and debit cards and anything more than a twenty-dollar bill and a couple bucks for a snack or a drink. For some people, it’s best if they go to the track, put down their bets and leave. In fact, why don't you save yourself the bus fare out there? Just take the twenty and throw it in the street. You've got about the same chance of winning."

Where else are you going to get straight up advice like that? You just can't teach that kind of insight. It's got to be the result of long years of experience and not a small amount of closed head trauma.  We mean, this is the guy who wrote, "Very few dogs actually fade. What happens is that the dogs behind them close on them and pass them."

Wow. Just wow. Do you realize the implications of that? When you're driving in your car, you're not getting closer to your destination, you're getting farther from your starting point! It's relativity man, right there in front of us all the time and we didn't see it! It took Einstein years to figure that out.

Hey Kowboy. Did you know that when you were running your speed relative to the other dogs was the same as that observed by the toothless idiots in the stands? Eb figured that out.

Kowboy is young and puppy-like. He is very affectionate and wants to be right near you and in your face. He is really outgoing, social, happy and friendly and his tail wags often. He will rest his head on your lap for pets. He is energetic and playful; he likes toys and is starting to fetch. His ears stand straight up like a deer. TV fascinates him. He follows his foster mom around the home. He likes to collect things: toys, socks, etc. Kowboy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up – since he is young and bouncy. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He is really smart and he would do well with someone who has some dog experience. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo wants to be in your lap when you are driving, but is getting better. He walks okay on lead. He is interested in squirrels. He greets visitors to the home for pets. He likes playing with toys and especially likes squeaky toys and will pull the squeaker out.

New School Policy: All Students Must Dress With The Lights On (Now With Update)

OK so we've been sort of following this story because when we first heard about it we were all like, no way. Now, we've know our fair share of school administrators throughout the years and while as a class they aren't exactly what you'd call MENSA material, we figured even when you consider principals are stupid enough to think they can suspend a kid for making a Facebook page they don't like they're still smart enough to figure out electronically walking into a kid's bedroom whenever you felt like it would more than likely be...uh...problematic.

Well, now the FBI is involved and we're going to have to re-evaluate just how abysmally idiotic you have to be to qualify for an administrator's license.

Pennsylvania parents are suing their son's school, alleging it watched him through his laptop's webcam while he was at home and unaware he was being observed. The suit said that on November 11, an assistant principal at Harriton High School told the plaintiffs' son that he was caught engaging in "improper behavior" in his home and it was captured in an image via the webcam.

OK what's more stupid, thinking you can get away with peeping in on the kids, or catching one spanking the monkey, printing out the picture and sending it to the parents with a note expressing your concern that their son might be about to make himself blind?

Families were not informed of the possibility the webcams might be activated in their homes without their permission in the paperwork students sign when they get the computers, district spokesman Doug Young a spokesman for the Lower Merion School District said."It's clear what was in place was insufficient, and that's unacceptable," Young said.

Really? "Insufficient?" What was your first clue, the lawsuit, or the visit from the Special Agent?

Young said the district would only remotely access a laptop if it were reported to be lost, stolen or missing, or there was a chance that little hottie Becky Whitmore was nekked.

Young added that mistakes might be made when combining technology and education in a cutting-edge way, then let perverts and boneheads run the program.

The district has suspended the practice amid the lawsuit and the accompanying uproar from students, the community and privacy advocates. District officials hired outside counsel to review the past webcam activations and advise the district on related issues, Young said.  "We're very responsive to the needs of the community," he said. "Especially after they catch us."

The Pennsylvania case shows how even well-intentioned plans can go awry if officials have the IQ of a stale Krispy Kreme, privacy experts said. Compromising images from inside a student's bedroom could fall into the hands of rogue school staff or otherwise be spread across the Internet, they said.

"This is an age where kids explore their sexuality, so there's a lot of that going on in the room," said Witold Walczak, legal director for the American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania, which is not involved in the Robbins case. "This is fodder for child porn."

Hey, just hang on there a minute Bucko. We all know that when teenagers send sexy pictures of themselves back and forth to one another, that's child porn, but when adults to it, that's sound educational policy in action.

Update: Yes, mom and dad, while you are at working trying to earn a living, these people are in charge of  your kids.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that good times are just a tease to get you to let your guard down...er...we mean know that one of the most plaintive arguments the overlords make when faced with the prospect of having to go out and get real jobs is, well, that they will lose their jobs if people with souls force them to quit sucking their meager existence off the backs of innocent animals.

Close the track, the overlords say, and the land will become haunted by zombies picking over the remains of the two dollar rubes who missed the last bus home. Don't believe it? Just look what the good people of Massachusetts have done to themselves by putting the kibosh on animal exploitation.

Attorney Michael Morizio, representing park owner George Carney, said the $200 million renovation project includes removing the entire right side of the main building, where simulcast betting now takes place, and enlarging the building to accommodate slot machines, if they are approved by the state.

Well, it's not like you weren't warned people of Massachusetts. We mean Mr.  Carney told you again and again if you threw his low wage no benefit workers out of a job you would devastate the economy of the entire east coast, so you have no one to blame for his $200 million renovation but yourselves.

And five acres of the 100-acre property could be the site for a train station if the South Coast Rail line from Stoughton to Fall River and New Bedford is built.

Ouch. Mass transit bringing people right into the community to shop, visit and gamble. Bet you're rethinking that yes on Prop 3 vote now, huh?

Morizio said new jobs created by that project would more than top the number of jobs lost at the track as a result of the statewide ban on dog racing. “We’ll be working with unions and labor. And it should create about 1,500 permanent jobs and 500 construction jobs,” he said. “The new building is also being designed to be very elegant and functional.”

Well, there you have it. More jobs than before the track closed. Hope all you animal rights do gooders are happy now. Wonder if they have trouble sleeping at night. What do you think Senna?

Senna is approachable, gentle, and calm. He is loving and affectionate. He gives nuzzles and little kisses. He is more animated than a typical greyhound. He will run and do “wind sprints” in the hallway when he is playing with his foster dad. He will sometimes bark at the “other dog” in the mirror. He is curious and likes to put his nose on everything. Senna would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and is also fine as an only dog. He would probably do better in a single family home, since he will whine a bit when he is in the crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo sleeps on the floor in the master bedroom. He likes to sleep near the family grey. The second night in the foster home, she stepped on him and he snapped at her – no injuries. He is not generally protective of his sleeping space.

We Just Need To Play Our Game, Have Fun And Stay Off Our Medications

OK you thought the Superbowl was a couple of weeks ago, right? You thought it was all about the metaphorical return of the City of New Orleans made real by the victory of their professional football team, right? You thought it was about one of those moments when art, or at least sports imitates life, right?

Silly person(s).

Your friends here at Ironicus Maximus Central are here to tell you that superbowl you thought was the superbowl was nada. Zip, zilch, the big goose egg, the front room of Mr. Zee Ro's house in null city. We got the real superbowl going on now, babies and it ain't about no football. It's about standing right up in front of god and everybody and throwing off the blinders of reason, casting out the evil of rationality, exiling the temptress of thought.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Race for the Retards, welcome to the Incomprehensible 500, welcome to the Stanley Chump all rolled into one. Welcome to TEH SOOPERBOLE O' STOOPID!!!

The contestants:

The Utah Legislature, otherwise known as the Utes, as in Ute think people who wear sacred underwear wouldn't want to draw attention to themselves.

Utah's House of Representatives has adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming.The measure passed by 56-17.

"We're actually kind of looking forward to Provo becoming a port city," said one legislator who voted for the resolution.

The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome."

When  asked what "tricks" scientists employed, one legislator responded, "Well, you know, all that mathematical mumbo jumbo. I never did trust algebra. Thought it was some kind of code dreamed up by the catholics."

In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion. "First they come for the glaciers, then the white babies," he said.

Odds makers say Utah has an outside chance due to their ability to spout off the wall crazy stuff without prompting, but they don't do well on the road. Next up: Texas:

Texas became the first state to challenge the Environmental Protection Agency's finding that gases blamed for global warming threaten public health.

"Just 'cause people might die from it, don't mean it's bad," said governor Rick Perry. "People die everyday from all sorts of things. We gonna outlaw guns and liquor too? OK bad example."

Gov. Rick Perry and other Texas officials said the federal finding is based on flawed science and would harm the state's economy.

"Them pencil necks is a saying people got to breathe clean air and drink clean water, but I'm saying if a bubba cain't jump in the pick up and drive down to the quickie mart for a six a long necks and a carton a Marlboros, we've lost what it means to be an American," Perry said. "'Sides, most a our crap blows into Arizona anyway."

Handicappers say Texas has a real shot as their stupid goes beyond just the legislature into most areas of the government. But they also point to Virginia who has joined Texas in the lawsuit as a dark-horse with an outside chance. "We're too stupid to come up with stupid ideas on our own," said Virginia Attorney General Kenneth Cuccinelli. "That ought to count for something."

All observers agree though, that the odds on favorite has to be South Carolina.

South Carolina will no longer recognize U.S. currency as legal tender, if State Rep. Mike Pitts has his way. Pitts, a fourth-term Republican  introduced legislation  that would ban what he calls “the unconstitutional substitution of Federal Reserve Notes for silver and gold coin” in South Carolina. If the bill were to become law, South Carolina would no longer accept or use anything other than silver and gold coins as a form of payment for any debt, meaning paper money would be out in the Palmetto State.

 "Shoot, denying facts and ignoring math and science and stuff? That's little league,"Pitts said. "This is South Carolina man. I'm talking about going back to the gold standard. I'm talking about stuff so crazy people haven't even thought about it in years!"

Experts point out that should South Carolina make it through the competition without having to institutionalize Mr. Pitts, they will have a substantial advantage.

Second Amendment Versus The Sixth Commandment

We have more than a passing interest in the recent tragedy in Alabama, having spent many a long hour in a room with over stressed faculty members. Now it seems in addition to worrying that the College of Arts and Letters guy will launch into one of his interminable disquisitions only marginally connected to the matter at hand, we have to wonder which of our colleagues is armed.

It seems we can’t pick up a paper, or watch the news for more than a few days without hearing about someone shooting someone else, usually a family member or co-worker. Sometimes both.

Each time yet another person or group of people are wounded or die because of gun violence the pro Second Amendment types fall out of the woodwork to announce that if there had only been more guns the massacre would have been averted, or at least minimized.

Really?

Are we supposed to believe that if all six of her colleagues had been armed at Amy Bishop’s tenure hearing the results would have been less tragic? Less bloody?

Of course not, yet we are forced to watch the NRA's little paranoid Kabuki over and over because the one group of people who could do something about it—politicians—have a vested interest in the status quo. Well, perhaps that’s too harsh. There may actually be politicians who understand that there is at least a correlation between the ease with which guns can be obtained in this country and the fact that America loses more of its citizens to gun violence each year than any other industrialized nation on the planet.

The problem is, like the rest of us, politicians have a gun to their heads, except theirs is a metaphorical gun held by the NRA which doesn’t shoot bullets, it shoots money. So while the rest of us are practicing duck and cover, or wondering if that guy down in accounting who got fired last week is going to come back guns a blazing, politicians paint the biggest target they can on their backs and give speeches making it seem like the Second Amendment came down from Jesus himself.

And you know the most ironic thing? When James Madison originally proposed the amendment, the anti-Federalists—proto NRA types—were against it, lead by none other than Patrick Henry, the give me liberty or give me death guy!

Today however if an elected official even gives the slightest indication that he or she might be thinking about possibly perhaps opening just a discussion around only the feasibility of perhaps accepting the premise—just for argument’s sake—that  guns might be a tad too easy for some unbalanced people to get their hands on some of the time the battle cry goes out: “You will pry my nine millimeter Viagra from my limp and flaccid hands.”

And so innocent people continue to die, their families and friends continue to suffer and politicians continue to sit down when the time comes to stand up.

One of the things even Madison and Henry would have agreed on is the first duty of government is to protect its citizens, even if that means protect them from each other.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, if you're an overlord, you've got to learn to look on the bright side of things. We mean, come on, it's not like life even let you out of the gate with much of an advantage. There's the third grade drop out problem, most likely because the buzzing in your head kept you from understanding people who were trying to tell you your shoes were untied which lead to the constant battering your head took when you tripped over your laces and fell down. Once or twice you can get away with stuff like that, but when it happens year after year--even after you go to Velcro instead of laces--people begin to have their doubts.

Then there's the total lack of character. Of course, in your defense we have to say that it's hard to develop any kind of moral compass when your daily living skills are such that you have to keep notes to remind yourself not to eat soup with a fork. Just ask Ursula O'Donnell.

See, when most people get arrested and charged with a crime, that's a strong indication to them that they should stop doing the things that got them arrested. Not Ursula. In true overlord tradition, she looks on the bright side: "Hey, I'm not in jail am I? Why stop now?"

She's a glass half full kind of girl.

And the same can be said for the overlords in Iowa who were recently told, Bag it. We don't want you around here anymore. Their response? "Hey,at least they aren't going to shoot us like we do to the dogs, just make us get real jobs."

Got to love that optimism, but what kind of a demand is there for no talent substance abusers with poor people skills and mental health issues? Sure, the Tea Party, but they are mostly unpaid volunteers. Sort of like the greyhounds were back when they raced for trailer payments. Except the dogs weren't volunteers. Plus the dogs have another advantage the overlords don't: marketable skills.

And even when the overlords can convince people that the exploitation of innocent animals isn't such a bad thing, by the time those people get home, they've changed their minds and they're all like "You do what with those dogs when they can't run? Let me back in that voting booth."

Well, the point is, when you're a heartless, soulless, scruple free, no talent leaky bag of barely literate protoplasmic slime who sucks a meager existence off the backs of innocent animals, life isn't exactly a bed of roses, so all you've got is your sunny outlook, right Dr. Lori Bohenko?

A state veterinarian who developed a database to track greyhound injuries six years ago said late Friday the group misconstrued her data. "There are some days I just sit here and watch races and do not touch a dog," she said.

Right. Because when a dog is killed outright we get someone else to carry it away so she doesn't have to touch it, or when it's injured so badly we know it's going to be euthanized, someone else holds it down while she gives it a lethal injection. See? No problem.

Well unless you happen to be the injured greyhound, right Joanna?

Joanna is very active and curious. She is very happy, playful and friendly. She likes affection and will approach and nuzzle you for attention. She likes to be close to you. She sometimes gives kisses. She enjoys watching TV, and she especially likes watching hockey. Joanna would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. She is playful and can be a bit bouncy. She is good with other average to larger size dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog in a family that would exercise regularly.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update He has not had any accidents in the home. He relieves himself in a fenced yard and he will also relieve on lead. He will whine and whimper or will paw you when he needs to go outside.

And Now for Something Completely Different

We’re going to take a bit of a time out from our usual fare around here and write about something that’s been chewing at us since Sunday.

Yesterday we were over to Pandagon reading about the sexist Superbowl commercials—which by the way are pretty sexist, even by advertising standards—and at first we just chalked the whole thing up to the need for people who create thirty second spots to rely on cultural stereotypes to do their work for them since exposition really isn’t an option. That and the fact that ads aren’t great literature to begin with, so the bar is already pretty low when it comes to aspects of quality, propriety and good taste.

Then we heard a commentator from Salon on the evening news talk about the anger against women in the spots and how that was something new and to her at least, surprising and more than a little unsettling.

So we went back and looked at the ads again and, sure enough, there it was. The Dodge commercial is the most blatant, right down to the slogan “Man’s Last Stand,” against women apparently. But the Flo TV ads were openly aggressive as well, blaming women for the loss of men’s spines. Additionally the Dockers ads implied it was time for men to put their pants back on, literally by donning a pair of Dockers, but metaphorically by reasserting their dominance over women.

Apologists point to the fact that commercials are not meant to be taken seriously, must fight for the viewer’s attention in an environment saturated with distractions and therefore often attempt to provoke and shock and it’s all in good fun anyway so lighten up.

All that is true, but there’s something different about these ads. First of all, there were so many of them. Was there some sort of meeting amongst the different agencies somewhere at which it was decided that the theme for this Superbowl would be misogyny? We doubt it. Yet, commercials don’t sell products anymore, they sell lifestyles, and as such advertising tries to latch onto the cultural zeitgeist and use it to ride to the customer’s pocket book.

And what about the argument that commercials are just harmless fun? Well, yeah, we suppose there is still a mild chuckle in the Flo TV ad that threw a bra over the guy’s shoulder in the shopping mall, the classic fish out of water stereotype. But when you take the whole ad on balance, you don’t have to peel very much humor away before you find anger. Believe us, we know about hiding anger under humor.

Amanda Marcorte, who wrote the post over at Pandagon sees this as just more of the same anti-woman blather put out by men who are intimidated. She writes, “In general, the theme of this year is that that masculinity is barely surviving a vagified assault, and the modern man needs a bunch of products in order to revolt and/or survive the hellish matriarchy…”

We agree, but we think it’s even bigger than that. Take a step back for a moment and look at the general interplay between groups in our culture. When it becomes acceptable to call the President of the United States a traitor—and not just down at the corner bar, but on national TV and in main stream media outlets—and then be invited back to those same outlets to do it again; when it becomes acceptable to carry guns to a political rally; when arguments are carried through volume, threat and intimidation rather than deliberation; when racists, homophobes and religious extremists are given the same deference as the dwindling voices of inclusion, those who don’t see sexual preference as a trump card for every other human characteristic and skill, and of course people who actually know something of what they are talking about, it shouldn’t surprise us that the nature of the discourse shifts from a debate to a power grab.

And that means that not just women, but every other vulnerable group in our society gets a bull's eye painted on their collective backs. Immigrant? Expect only obstacles. Gay? Soon to be illegal. Child? See yesterday’s post. Minority? Welcome to the 1950’s.

The general coarsening of our discourse follows a coarsening of our attitudes. Perhaps this is an unavoidable result of a country at war as some studies suggest, and we’ve been at war off and on (mostly on) for almost 70 years now. Perhaps it’s an outgrowth of the fear our politicians have fed us because that is so much easier to do than actually lead. Perhaps it’s economic in nature, after all, policies that pit one group against another for limited resources generally don’t tend to promote cooperation and altruism. Perhaps it’s all three, or something else all together.

We don’t have answers. There may very well be no answers to begin with, only ways to mitigate the level of destruction we do to ourselves, our planet and out future. We do know that a democracy is like holding water in your hand, the tighter you try to squeeze it, the more it slips away.

Get Caught Running In The Halls, Spend A Night In The Box

You know, back in our days as denizens of the neighborhood educorporate training facility, our educational technicians would occasionally reprimand us for...erm...unsanctioned instances of youthful exuberance. These were mostly harmless excursions off the beaten path of appropriate behavior. Sure there was the squirt gun incident, but that was totally not our fault. If Dale hadn't taken the pistol away from us and squirted Natalie McMahon with it--who screamed like a well, girl, Sister Arnulfa would have never come running into the coat room just as he gave it back.

Just so you know, we could have ratted Dale out...OK we tried to rat Dale out but nobody was buying it so the Family Maximus had to make another trip to the Rectory for a conference with the The Priest which ended with a plethora blackboards to clean and hail Marys and Our Fathers to say (which were recited in our room that weekend as we were restricted to base, as they say) , plus the ritual burning of the offending weapon.

Seriously. Right there in the good Father's wastebasket. At Saint Mary's Elementary School and Bingo Hall they don't play that.

Still, we thank our lucky stars to have been under the benevolent, if somewhat pyromaniacal tutelage of the Order of Perpetual Detention because if  we tried something like that today we'd probably get taken out by a sniper.

A 12-year-old Queens girl was hauled out of school in handcuffs for an artless offense - doodling her name on her desk in erasable marker. She said. "I love my friends Abby and Faith," adding the phrases "Lex was here. 2/1/10" and a smiley face. "We were concerned it was some sort of coded message," said the principal. "Could have been about drugs or terrorism or something. She is brown you know. Can't be too careful."

Instead of simply cleaning off the doodles after class, Alexa  was led out of school in cuffs and walked to the precinct across the street, where she was detained for several hours. "Well come on," said a spokesperson for the district. "Middle school kids writing on desks? Doesn't that strike you as just a bit odd?"

Alexa, who had a stellar attendance record, hasn't been back to school since, adding, "I just thought I'd get a detention. I thought maybe I would have to clean [the desk]."

"Right. And if you rob a bank you think you're just going to get detention," said the principal. "These kids need to learn there are consequences for their actions. Did I mention she's brown?"


City officials acknowledged Alexa's arrest was a mistake. "We're looking at the facts," said City Education Department spokesman David Cantor. "Based on what we've seen so far, this shouldn't have happened. The girl probably should have been Tased instead."

"Even when we're asked to make an arrest, common sense should prevail, and discretion used in deciding whether an arrest or handcuffs are really necessary," said police spokesman Paul Browne. "Well, that and we've got to stop sending officers who are drunk out on patrol."

Alexa is still suspended from her school, her mother said. She and her mom went to family court  where Alexa was assigned eight hours of community service, a book report and an essay on what she learned from the experience.

Book report huh? Hey Lex, we got a suggestion for you. 

(ht)

Friday Hound Blogging

OK here's a little analogy. Let's say you're renting an apartment in an apartment building. Let's say you've lived there for a while and have gotten to know your neighbors pretty well. Now, let's say you come home one day and find the landlord in your living room. Said landlord tells you that your neighbors have all gotten together and promised to pay him twice what your rent is if he will just make you move away.

What would you think?

Well, that's just what has happened to the overlords.

Citing a study that shows waning public interest and the expensive cost for casinos to "subsidize greyhound racing", reports indicate that casino giant Harrah's is willing to pay the state of Iowa $70 million to free them from an agreement that requires a set number of annual race dates. "This greyhound stuff is giving gambling a bad name," said one Harrah's representative.

"It's an industry that does not have a lot of following," Representative Mary Mascher, D-Iowa City said.

How very tactful of you Representative Mascher. Do you agree Jim Carney, a lobbyist for Harrah's?

"Dog racing is fading nationally," Carney said. Consumer interest in betting on dogs has drastically dwindled as literacy rates rise and it's expensive for the casinos to subsidize the drunks, drug addicts and all around losers that are left in greyhound racing. The two dog tracks together suck about $12 million a year in profits from slots and other gaming to supplement the prize money, or purses, that dog owners and kennels win. Weekdays, few sober people are in the stands to watch dog racing, but crowds tend to be larger on the weekends because some of the people coming during the week passed out and never went home, said officials from both the greyhound and casino industries.

Ouch. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. 

State legislators now face a decision: Should they accept cash from the two casinos to let them off the hook for their obligation to subsidize dog racing? Or keep racing going for the sake of the economic boost from the small but thriving dog-breeding industry?

Decisions, decisions, decision. Truly a dilemma, but we're a little confused. You say the breeding industry is "thriving." Has that assessment already changed two paragraphs later in the same article when you write: "About a third of Iowa counties are home to registered greyhound farms, but the number of dog breeders is declining, according to the "Iowa Greyhound Study."

And earlier you say,  "Dog tracks have shut down in the past two years in several states, including Kansas, Wisconsin, Colorado, Arizona and New Hampshire."

So, tracks shutting down and dog breeders declining equals thriving? We can see why you're having trouble making this decision.

"It's unfair to yank the rug out from beneath the dog breeders without their input and agreement," Representative Rick Olson, D-Des Moines, said. "There needs to be some type of golden parachute for them at a minimum."

Golden parachute? More like a golden shower, huh  Sunshine?

Sunshine is easygoing and very mellow. She is very affectionate and will lean against you and cuddle. She is very sweet and lovable. She really loves her squeaky toys. She loves to play with them, especially when you are not looking. She also loves to run outside, but is very quiet inside. Sunshine would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update:  Lazlo wants attention from everyone who enters the home. He did okay with a visiting 8 year old child when they were outside.

Pope! Motto: I'm No Theologian, But I Know What I Like

Rats. Old Phil saw his shadow and that means six more weeks of winter, and here in the Water Winter Wonderland that means six more weeks of not seeing the sun, not seeing the ground, and not seeing any reason not to move to Arizona.

Oh. John McCain. Never mind.

We could use a little cheering up. Hey, we know...let's go see what the pope is up to. He's the good news guy after all what with offering the way to salvation, everlasting life and free cookies. How about laying a little of that good news gospel on us us Mr. pope sir?

The Pope has faced a backlash after urging Catholic bishops in England and Wales to fight the UK's Equality Bill with the "missionary position."

Oops. Make that zeal. Missionary zeal. Our bad.

The Pope told the Catholic bishops of England and Wales gathered in Rome: "Your country is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society which we don't hold against you. Nobody's perfect. Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to force religious communities out of the 3rd century, and not to allow us to act in accordance with our beliefs, namely hating on the homos."

Jonathan Finney, from gay rights group Stonewall, said: "People should not be denied access to services and employment purely because they are gay. Does the pope deny pedophiles the right to become priests? All I'm saying is at least I know when to keep it in my pants."

He added: "What you can't start doing is saying that religious people have hard-won freedoms, we'll now restrict those, we won't give them to gay people, we won't give them to women."

"Wait. Women have rights too? asked Archbishop Vincent Nichols, head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales. "When did that happen?"

The Archbishop said: "He's [the Pope] not getting engaged in party politics... but he wants his reasoned voice - formed by the treasures of the Christian heritage which is deeply embedded in our culture - to be heard."

"Treasures?" The pope has a PAC?

Religious leaders have voiced concern that the Equality Bill could force churches to employ sexually active gay people and transsexuals when hiring staff other than priests or ministers. "Oh, great, more perverts. Like we don't have enough already," said one priest who asked not to be named. "What do you think this is, Ireland?"

Catholic MP Ann Widdecombe said: "If a faith teaches, as major faiths do, that something is wrong, then quite clearly you cannot have somebody who believes that it's right actually occupying a very senior position.

Hey, when did we start talking about George Bush?

On The Bright Side, All That Time They Would Have Been Reading Can Now Be Spent Watching Reruns Of The L Word

You know, back in our days as inmates of our local educorporate training facility, the educational technicians knew that the best way to get us to read anything was to tell us it was banned. We probably owe a good portion of our present career to the fellow who read the real version of the Miller's Tale to us one day. As soon as "kissed her naked arse full savorly" left his lips that constant mumble of pubescent voices that seemed to accompany us wherever we gathered stopped as if someone threw a switch. Our attention was so strongly focused on the front of the room that the paint behind the instructor began to peel. Naked arses right here in English! Plus, that Miller guy? He was drunk! Top that football coach teaching Health Class!

So we've always used book banning as a sort of reverse barometer of what the kids were reading and in most instances we've been pleased that students would rather read Tropic of Cancer than A Rose for Emily if only because there aren't any study guides for Henry Miller like there are for Faulkner. Good literature should be a little risky and dangerous. For everybody. Which is why this concerns us a little.

Culpeper County public school officials have decided to stop assigning a version of Anne Frank's diary, one of the most enduring symbols of the atrocities of the Nazi regime.

Seriously? Anne Frank? The little 13 year old girl who wrote up in her hidden room until the Germans found her? The little girl who wrote, "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart " a couple of years before she died of Typhoid in a Concentration Camp. This is the author you're afraid will corrupt the youth of Culpeper County?

Come on people. This here is no Naked Lunch. What's your beef?

A parent complained that the book includes sexually explicit material and homosexual themes.

Uh...yeah. You must be talking about when she wrote, "If I read a book that impresses me, I have to take myself firmly by the hand, before I mix with other people; otherwise they would think my mind rather queer."

Heh heh. She said "queer."

"The Diary of a Young Girl: the Definitive Edition," which was published on the 50th anniversary of Frank's death in a concentration camp, will not be used in the future, said James Allen, director of instruction for the 7,600-student system.

OK, here's our question. If this guy is the director of instruction in a district that can't even handle Anne Frank, why do they need a director of instruction? Seems like someone from the substitute bus driver's pool could handle the job. Save the district some money too. Just trying to help.

Culpeper's policy on "public complaints about learning resources" calls for complaints to be submitted in writing and for a review committee to research the materials and deliberate, Allen said. In this case, the policy was not followed. Allen said the parent registered the complaint orally, no review committee was created and a decision was made quickly by at least one school administrator.

We understand a newspaper reporter had tried to interview the administrator about the decision, but there had been a thunderstorm that morning and the administrator was still hiding under the bed.

The American Library Association has documented only six challenges to "The Diary of Anne Frank" since it began monitoring formal written complaints to remove or restrict books in 1990.

Six times in 20 years? Man, can you imagine what the guy who read us The Miller's
Tale could do in a district like this?

One record dating to 1983 from an Alabama textbook committee said the book was "a real downer" and called for its rejection from schools.

Yeah. Them Nazis sure knew how to take the fun out of a war.

If You Weren't Poor You Wouldn't Have Gotten Sick In The First Place

We're coming to you today from the Odd Headline Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. OHD is a division of the Excuse Me? Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of WTF!?!! Inc.

So, we're on our way to the comics section this morning to get us in the mood for reading the news. Dilbert stokes our existential dread long enough to get through the rest of the paper without resorting to adult beverages. Anyway, before we could even get to the Wizard of Id we run across this:

States seeking to ban mandatory health insurance

Hmm...thinks us, that's rather unusual. Even given the intellectual acumen of most state legislators today, it has been our impression that doing outright harm to the residents is, in most cases, a bug not a feature. Our curiosity piqued, we read on:

Although President Barack Obama's push for a health care overhaul has stalled, conservative lawmakers in about half the states are forging ahead with constitutional amendments to ban government health insurance mandates. "There's over 40 million people in this country without health insurance," said one state legislator. "You know what will happen to the republican party if they all get healthy enough to vote?"

The proposals would assert a state-based right for people to pay medical bills from their own pocketbooks and prohibit penalties against those who refuse to carry health insurance. Additionally, people who can't pay, or lack insurance altogether will be required to go someplace out of sight to die.

The moves reflect the continued political potency of the issue for conservatives, who have used it extensively for fundraising and attracting new supporters. "Hey, doctors make money off sick people, why can't we," said a Virginia legislator.

Legislative committees in Idaho and Virginia endorsed their measures this past week. Supporters held a rally at the Pennsylvania Capitol. And hearings on the proposed constitutional amendments were held in Georgia and Missouri. The Missouri hearing drew overflow crowds. "There's a reason Missouri's the 7th fattest state in the union and 38th when it comes to overall health," said Clint Bolick, the constitutional litigation director at the Goldwater Institute in Phoenix. "I don't think they want Washington meddling to jeopardize their rankings."

"These amendments are a way to manifest grass roots opposition" to federal health insurance mandates, Bolick said. "And they're especially popular among republican supporters who are used to voting against their own best interests."

Separate bills passed by the U.S. House and Senate would impose a penalty on people who don't have health insurance except in cases of financial hardship. Subsidies would be provided to low-income and middle-income households. The intent of the mandate is to expand the pool of people who are insured and paying premiums and thus offset the increased costs of insuring those with preexisting conditions or other risks.

"Poor people getting help with their insurance bills leading to better medical care. Is that the kind of America you want to live in?" asked a state legislator.

"We need to move ahead no matter what kind of maneuvering continues in Washington, D.C.," said Missouri Sen. Jane Cunningham, a Republican from suburban St. Louis. "If we don't we're liable to wake up some morning and find out everybody's covered. How we going to beat Mississippi for most unhealthy state then huh?"

"They are merely symbolic gestures," said Michael Dorf, a constitutional law professor at Cornell University. "If this Congress were to pass an individual mandate, and if it is constitutional — which I believe it is — the express rule under the supremacy clause (of the U.S. Constitution) is that the federal law prevails. The states will just have to find some other way to keep poor people from getting good health care. I suggest all sorts of eligibility requirements like they do with abortion. That should keep them out of the system long enough that it will be too late to do anything for them once they have filled out all the forms."

Friday Hound Blogging

Last week we told you about the plight of poor overlord Ursula O' donnell who, through no fault of her own, was forced to pay some low life in Alabama $230 bucks for offing some of her dogs...er...we mean for helping her right size her inventory.

Well, of course the animal rights wackos were all over her on this, so when the poor woman went back to work after the charges against her were dropped because the guy in Alabama up and died they were all like, "Hey Ursula. Who you gonna get to kill your dogs now huh?" And she was all like, "Layoff jerks. I paid my debt to society. Well, actually I paid my debt to the guy who killed my dogs, but it's all the same to me."

You just can't satisfy some people though, and the Prius driving, latte drinking puppy huggers just kept pushing and pushing and pushing until finally the guy that owned the track came along and was all like, "Hey. The last thing we need around here is people watching what we do, so Ursula, you're aloha babe."

Now, you'd think that would be the end of the story. The wackos would be off to the next alleged incident to put their Calvin Kliens in a twist, Ursula would head off to Walmart greeter school and start on her next career, well really her first career since the dogs did all the work in this one, and things would get back to normal around the track.

No way baby. Overlord Ursula don't play that.

O'donnell is speaking out. "I feel like I was let go for no reason. I was cleared of all charges back on January 24th, 2005. I mean, sure it's because the guy in Alabama died and the case fell apart, but let's not pick nits here, OK?"

"I have never met Robert Rhodes a day in my life, and I have never been to Alabama prior to this case, where they said I crossed state lines and met with this guy. I sent my check through the mail, and within thirty days of him killing my dogs too. No late fees for me."

Now, she says she wants to expose what she believes to be illegal practices by the greyhound industry."Ursula going down, you all going down," she said.

Ah, nothing like high standards, huh Jack?

Jack is a very happy dog with a ‘windmill’ tail when he is pleased. He is friendly and will approach for pets and will put his body right against you for pets. He doesn’t give ‘kisses’ but snuffles your face. He likes to play with toys. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be okay as an only dog.

We Will All Come Together At The Church Of The Magic Eight Ball

You know, when the final history of this great country of ours is written, one of the things that will not be an issue is the damage we did to ourselves due to government intrusion in the marketplace by over regulation.

A spiritual counselor has filed a lawsuit against Chesterfield County in U.S. District Court in Richmond, claiming that the county is discriminating against her and her beliefs through over-regulation.

But we could be wrong about that.

Sophie King says Chesterfield is violating her constitutional rights to free speech, free exercise of religion and equal protection by failing to differentiate between fortunetellers and spiritual counselors.

It's been our experience that spiritual counselors are much better dressers, plus their tents don't smell like cat box.

King, who claims to be the latter, said she should not be subject to county requirement for fortunetelling businesses, which include a background check, character references, zoning restrictions, and a $300 business license tax.

Now why would the government be interested in someone who says, "Give me $50 and I'll tell you who you're going to marry"? This is just the kind of unwarranted intrusion that's ruining the entrepreneurial spirit in America.

"The law is ridiculous and totally unfair. It reminds me of the Dark Ages," said King, who has worked as a psychic for 17 years and who reads Tarot cards and provides other spiritual counseling.

Tell it sister. Say what you will about the Dark Ages, one thing we can all agree on is that it was a time of rampant governmental over-regulation of the...erm...prognosticating industry. Hey wait a minute. Tarot cards count as spiritual counseling? Does the pope know about this? There's bound to be an angle he can work there. We mean, they got Tarots for everything else, why not an all saints Tarot?

King claims she is not a fortuneteller -- a term she says carries negative connotations -- because she does not predict the future. Rather, she "relays information that she receives without knowing how it relates to the individual client or its specific chronological significance," according to the lawsuit.

Yeah. It's a shame we live in such a closed minded society that the contribution of fortune tellers is lost to us, and even more disheartening that a person who "relays information that she receives without knowing how it relates to the individual client or its specific chronological significance" is caught up in that same prejudice. Umm...quick question though. Does this mean that she's just a fortune teller who can't tell time?

County Attorney Steven L. Micas filed a motion to have the suit dismissed "for a number of reasons. The plaintiff asserts that she's a religion, but in fact she's just a business and subject to the normal regulations that affect businesses," he said.

OK, we're not lawyers, or theologians or anything, but is it possible for one person to be a religion? Aside from Peyton Manning we mean.

King moved to Chesterfield in October 2008 from Los Angeles and began a spiritual-counseling business.

Moved in from Los Angeles huh? Why are we not surprised?

Texas! Motto: Please Don't Point When You Laugh

Oh, Texas. Where would we be without you? You're like the Santa Claus of stupidity, handing out presents to all the good little boys and girls. But you don't just come once a year, oh no, you're like the 24/7 Santa. You're Santa on steroids. You don't furtively slip down the chimney in the dead of night, you walk right up to the house in broad daylight, kick the door in and stand in the foyer shouting, "Hey. Look At ME! I don't know my elbow from a hole in the ground and I'm proud of it!"

It's a good thing we don't get paid for writing this blog, because if we did we'd probably have to turn our salaries back in on days Texas is our topic. It's just too easy, even for us.

In its haste to bleed any semblance of educational value out of the state's social studies curriculum standards, the State Board of Education tossed children's author Bill Martin, who died in 2004, from a proposal for the third-grade section. Board member Pat Hardy, R-Cementhead, who made the motion, cited books he had written for adults that contain "very strong critiques of capitalism and the American system."

I don't care if he's dead," Hardy said. "He's still a comminist."

The book on Marxism was written by Bill Martin, a philosophy professor at DePaul University in Chicago.

"Chicago?" Hardy said. "Round these parts we call that Moscow on the lake."

Trouble is, the Bill Martin Jr. who wrote the Brown Bear series never wrote anything political, unless you count a book that taught kids how to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

Hardy said she was trusting the research of another board member, Terri Leo, R-Spring-loose, when she made her motion and comments about Martin's writing.

Oh. Would that be Dr. Terri Leo, Harvard educated Rhodes Scholar and Pulitzer prize winning political historian?

Leo had sent her an e-mail alerting her to Bill Martin Jr.'s listing on the Borders .com Web site as the author of Ethical Marxism. Leo's note also said she hadn't read the book.

Guess not.

"She said that that there was what he done wrote, and I said: ' ... It's a good enough reason for me to get rid of someone 'cause serving on this here Board of Ed gecation takes up a lot of my time and I can't be reading any o' them subversive books with all them big o fancy words and such,' " Hardy told reporters. "Why some days I don't even have time to watch my stories."

In an e-mail exchange, Leo said she planned to make a motion to replace Bill Martin. Leo, however, said she wasn't asking Hardy to make any motions. She said she didn't do any research. "Since I didn't check it out, I wasn't about to make the motion. 'Sides my stories was on," Leo said.

Right. So when you said you, " planned to make a motion to replace Bill Martin." What you really meant was you weren't "about to make the motion."

We're beginning to see why Texas education is having problems.

For some, the mix-up is an indicator of a larger problem with the way the elected board members have approached the update of state curriculum standards.

We're going to go ahead all call it the Three Stooges do Readin,' Ritin' and Rithmetic approach, co-staring Laurel and Hardy.

Leo said, adding that she never meant for her "FYI" e-mail to Hardy to be spoken about in a public forum. "Lord knows the less folks know what were a doin' up here the better," Leo said.

Ah, we wouldn't worry. Since you don't know what you're doing, no one else will either. Oh, wait. That's sort of the problem isn't it?

Montana! Motto: Off Our Meds And Right As Rain

We're coming to you today from the That's Just What They Want You To Think Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. TJWTWYTT is a wholly owned subsidy of the Acme Aluminum Foil Corporation (home of the Ultracap, Blocks mind control rays used by all government agencies and discovered alien races), in partnership with This Is All Because Of Fluoride, Inc.

It seems some of the boys in Montana have been spending a little too much time in the Fortress of Solitude.

Members of the group who were allowed out on day passes presented the county officials with a questionnaire/agreement last week that included a petition signed by about 175 loco residents. The cover letter on the questionnaire said the document was designed to serve as an affirmation to county residents that the officials will abide by their oath of office and uphold both the federal and state constitution both of which the group wants to ignore, suspend, revoke and just generally forget because THERE ARE VOICES IN THE WOODS OUTSIDE THE FORT!!

The letter was signed, “A representative of those who attached their names but we ain't signin' nothin' cause the terrorists will steal our identities.”

“We are a group of concerned citizens,” Robert Gairing of Stevensville said. “I’m a concerned citizen … as that, we need to know definitively whether or not our public officials will defend their oath and our constitutional rights and be willing to take positive constitutional action on our behalf by ignoring the constitution."

The questionnaire includes 10 points on a variety of topics, including:

• The requirement of all federal employees and other U.S. representatives to obtain written permission from the sheriff with the support of the county commission prior to approaching any county citizen.

"Don't want none o' them federal employees and other U.S. representatives cooties," Gairing said.

• Prohibiting mandatory vaccinations.

"That there makes ya inter one o' them gay fellers," said one letter signer. "Real men don't need none o' that anti biotic. Why, one time me and old Jesse was out a huntin' and he fell offa his horse. Broke his leg in two places. I give him a shot o' whiskey and told him to walk it off. He's just fine today. You'd never know he had a wooden leg.

• Prohibiting entrance into the county by all employees of the federal Environmental Protection Agency.

"That's just another word for comminist," Gairing said. "Probly fags too."

• Requiring the sheriff to form and command a county militia composed of able-bodied citizens 18 and older. “Women must serve, but not in a combat capacity unless the men are in danger of being overrun.

"We got to be ready when them hispaniards come looking for their land back," Gairing said. "Now, havin' the wimmen in the fight don't set well with me, but my Mabel, she can shoot the ear off a fly at fifty paces and it'd sure give me a comfort to know she was back there case old Santa Ana had some tricks up his sleeve."

The questionnaire said that failure to comply with the county official’s “lawful obligations” will result in an immediate suspension and a grand jury hearing. When asked who would serve on the Grand Jury, the group’s founder, Mona Docteur, said "Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson."

We're Thinking About Using The Unemployment Lists To Start A Trap-Neuter-Return Program

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the futility of ambition in the face of a world governed by blind chance...er...we mean will recall the hilarity which ensured the last time we visited the Palmetto State.

Well, it seems they're about to have themselves one of them there elections to replace governor Horn Dog, and the leading candidate is Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has compared giving people government assistance to feeding stray animals. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, and apparently neither am I because I am about to say one of the most fundamentally stupid and heartless things any candidate for public office has ever said while allegedly sober. She told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. See, if you don't feed the poor people, they'll die off and you won't have to take them down to the river in a bag with rocks in it like old Uncle Jedidiah did with the barn cats. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that and we all know who I'm talking about here, but just in case you don't his initials are NAACP," Bauer said.

Ed's Note: You know, we were tempted to let this article stand just the way he said it because, really, how much more stupid can you add to South Carolina stupid? Ultimately though, we decided to take it as a challenge.

Bauer told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else. So when I said, 'You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply' I really meant that poor people should learn to eat stray animals."

"You see, for the first time in the history of this country, we've got more people voting for a living than we do working for a living which wouldn't have happened if those meddling Yankees had let us keep the poll tax the way god intended."

Later in his speech, Bauer said, "You think I can't get any more stupid? Watch this: I can show you a bar graph where free and reduced lunch has the worst test scores in the state of South Carolina," adding, "You show me the school that has the highest free and reduced lunch, and I'll show you the worst test scores, folks. It's there, period. Which validates my theory that poor people are dumb as well as poor."

Bauer said there are no "repercussions" from accepting government assistance. "Well, unless you consider being poor in South Carolina a 'repercussion because idiots like me can say things like this in public and get taken seriously."

He said government hasn't made requirements to make those receiving aid be more responsible. "You know, like governor Sanford, or Roland Corning, or Strom Thurmond. "

Tymeco Gregory grew up in a single-parent home in which, he said, his family relied on free-lunch programs at school to survive while struggling to pay bills. "If I didn't get any money or help with food for school and stuff, we probably would have to go without eating at school," Gregory said. "We don't have a lot of extra money." Now an 18-year-old freshman physics major at Wofford College, Gregory credited a support system from Furman University's Bridges to a Brighter Future program and government assistance with helping him achieve his goal to attend college.

"See, that's just the kind of free loader I'm talking about," Bauer said. "What kind of name is 'Tymeco' anyway? He can't be no christian boy."

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, one of the things that really ticks off the overlords is when those animal rights wackos go sticking their noses into the way racing is regulated and controlled. We mean, who needs a bunch of know it alls who've never had to...er...reduce excess inventory telling them how to over see their business?

The overlords do just fine by themselves thankyewverymuch. What we mean to say is they run a tight ship. There are rules, you know? Protect the units...er...dogs; weed out the bad apples, stuff like that. You want to mistreat your dogs, or cut corners? Well, overlord don't play that homie. Pack your bags 'cause you're gone. Right Ursula O'Donnell?

A woman arrested on felony charges for helping kill more than 2,000 greyhounds from all over the state has been training racing dogs again in Florida as recently as last week.

Right. 'Cause noting is more important than the safety and well being of the dogs. The overlords go to great lengths to see that anyone who doesn't treat them humanely and professionally is...wait a minute...what did you say?

Ursula O'Donnell was charged with felony animal cruelty in November 2002 after allegedly hiring an Alabama man to shoot and bury greyhounds under her care.

Oh. Uh...erm...yeah...look there has to be a simple explanation. The industry would never allow cruelty like this to go unpunished. After all, the dogs are like family. Well, family that you abandon when they can't make you anymore money, but still, maybe family like in laws, yeah something like that.

O'Donnell denied knowledge of the operation at the time -- she claimed her employees sent dogs to Rhodes without her knowing.

Ah, there you go. This poor lady was the victim of heartless, criminal employees. She's caught in the middle and guilty only of being too trusting. Here she thought everyone loved the dogs as much as she did, only to find out there are evil people in the world. Can you even imagine the pain she felt, the sorrow, the despair when she realized her beloved dogs had been sent to such a cruel fate when she thought they had all been adopted by a reclusive millionaire?

A criminal investigation by the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation found a check written by O'Donnell to Rhodes for $230, dated just before Rhodes' arrest. Using Rhodes' standard pricing, that was the fee for the execution of 23 dogs.

See? It wasn't like...uh...she didn't...ah...in her defense, Rhodes killed over 1000 dogs, so 23 is like...well...she wasn't...er...it's not like...OK we're going to have to get back to you on that.

You'd think such a thing would preclude an individual from working with greyhounds ever again, but as of the start of this year, O'Donnell was listed as the "trainer of record" for Free Spirit Kennel, which races dogs at the Naples-Fort Myers Track and Entertainment Center. That means that O'Donnell is personally responsible for the welfare of 50 to 75 dogs.

Hey, come on. We're trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, overlords. Work with us, will you?

Then, around January 10, about the same time the track was notified about a current investigation, Ursula was no longer listed as the trainer of record for Free Spirit Kennel.The Naples track is owned by the Miami-based Havenick family. "This was just brought to our attention," Izzy Havenick said. "She never worked for us in any way, shape, or form. All of the kennels are owned and operated completely independently. But as soon as we found out, we asked the kennel to make the change, and they did."

Bam! Right on! See animal rights wackos, the system works. You cut corners and put the dogs in any kind of jeopardy and you're history, you're yesterday's news, it's hasta la vista baby! Now will you get your Birkenstock wearing, Chai tea drinking, premium dog food buying noses out of our business?

Free Spirit Kennel's new trainer of record is Ryan O'Donnell.

Aww crap. We're trying to help you out here. Throw us a bone, will you Izzy?

Havenick said he never met Ursula or Ryan O'Donnell and doesn't know what their relationship is.

Yeah. You own the track but you don't know who works there. Come on, you can do better than that.

"O'Donnell is a very common name in dog racing," Havenick said.

Alllll righty then. That's your story and you're sticking to it. Hey look over there, it's Kristi...uh...O'Donnell and she's looking for a home.

Kristi is shy and reserved. She will start to play by herself, but if something goes flying – she will scurry away. She enjoys playing with the family dogs in the yard. She is generally quiet, submissive, and easygoing. She runs very fast in the yard. Kristi would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, ages 10 and up. She is shy, so she would benefit with another dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lazlo Update: He is learning his manners and “no”. He is doing well in the foster home.

Thus God Said Unto Moses, Remember The Screen Printers And Hold Them In Your Hearts

OK this has us a little worried. See, Michigan, home state to the marbled halls of IM Central, is right next to Ohio, and as we have discussed before, god is not the greatest aim. We're just afraid that there's a hurricane or an earthquake coming with Uniontown's name on it, and we're going to become collateral damage. Anybody have Pat Robinson's number?

Of course with a name like Uniontown it was only a matter of time anyway before the deity got his smite on, being all upper management and stuff. Don't find nobody singing Pete Seeger songs in the bible you know. Just saying.

Well, we might still have a shot at avoiding getting caught up in a plague of Westboro Baptist Church groupies. It's all up to the kids.

The district last month voted to temporarily remove God's name from the statement, leaving it at "We value: Responsibility, honesty, respect, integrity, commitment, and religious freedom". That isn't good enough for High School Juniors Mackenzie Muchalk and Alex Looney. They are preparing to literally mount a fight in the name of God to maintain the statement as it was written.

Heh heh. His name is Looney. Oh, this is going to go well.

Muchalk and Looney are selling t- shirts at cost that read "We value a belief in God" on the front and "They can take his name out of our mission statement but they can NEVER take Him out of our hearts."

Ah, the sweet sweet intersection of spirituality and retail marketing. This is why Jesus died on the cross and now you can own your very own piece of a genuine replica of that cross with accompanying certificate of authenticity for three easy payments of $39.95 plus shipping and handling. Call now, this once in a lifetime chance to own a piece of history can't last long! Offer void where regulated by heathens.

Muchalk says the hope is to have a room filled with people wearing the shirts at the next school board meeting on February 8th. "We just want to stand up to who we think of as bullies" she said, "to tell them its not really going to change anything."

Right on sister! Tell it! The last thing bullies want to hear is that changing stuff isn't going to change anything, so go ahead bullies change away. We won't be changed at all by your change and that's why we're all here tonight in these cheap t-shirts.

Muchalk realizes mounting a legal battle will cost money and hopes the community will rally with her to fight against the change, but not at the taxpayers expense. "I can get the free legal aid or if people in our community step up, which I know there have been people who have said they are going to pay for this for us, then I definitely think its worth it to fight it."

Hey, you think changing stuff that hasn't changed is cheap people? Time to step up. If we don't change this back to the way it was before it didn't change then what's next? CHAOS, that's what! Satan in your living room! People marrying box turtles! Universal Health Care! Wake up America!

Muchalk and her mother, Stephanie, say writing "God" into the value statement does not promote any particular religion. "When they first started selling these t-shirts one of the first two people who bought them were Muslim, so you know we aren't talking a christian God it just says a belief in God".

Well, god and cash. That mooslim money spends just as good as the god fearing kind. You think Jesus just left all those shekels laying on the floor after he chased the money lenders out of the temple? What do you take him for, Buddha?

"They want to come here and tell us what to say in our mission statement, that's fine but if we choose to believe in God then that's what we believe" said Junior basketball player Logan Wartman".

Wartman. Ha ha ha. OK we're beginning to see a pattern here. You kids are playing the adults, aren't you?

Jennifer Spohn, the parent of a high school student, also thought the name of God should remain in the school district's statement. "When it was put in the mission statement it wasn't just put in there by accident" Spohn said. "It was voted on by a wide amount of people, different religious backgrounds, some atheists some religious."

Unfortunately the atheists voted no and had to be run out of town right Ms. Spohn? We mean after all, what would Jesus do?

Oklahoma! Motto: Our Governor Can Tie His Own Shoes

Frequent readers of this blog always knew that resistance was futile...er...we mean may recall our previous profiles of one senator James Inhofe (R - where else?). The good senator, and his compatriot senator Tom (AACCK! LESBOZ!) Coburn represent the Sooner State in Washington and between them provide the most convincing argument ever against marrying your cousin. Especially if your cousin has the IQ of a tree frog.

But we digress. The point of today's little missive is to inform you that senator Inhofe has gotten himself on an enemies list, and he's quite upset with it all.

In a cover story on global warming titled "You Idiots!" Rolling Stone named Jim Inhofe as one of the "planet's worst enemies.'' The Oklahoma Republican took issue.
"My first response was I should have been No. 1, not No. 7," said Inhofe, once an aide told him that seven was not a one with a hat on. "I am serious about that. I've never been number one at anything in my life. I figured I wouldn't have much competition for stupidest human on the planet, but then McCain had to go and pick Sarah Palin for a running mate."

Eds. Note: Sorry Mr. Inhofe, (and Ms. Palin) that particular title is no longer in contention.

Still, Inhofe conceded his profile said some "nice'' things about him. The magazine described him as one of the GOP's loudest and most influential voices on climate change. "I kind of thought loud and influential were the same things," Inhofe said.

Citing his ability to get gullible journalists to take him seriously, it states that Inhofe is far from being marginalized and continues to hold remarkable sway. "See?" Inhofe added. "Loud is influential, just like I said.

He is credited with leading an effort that helped cloud the future of the entire planet, diminishing America's bargaining position at the Copenhagen climate negotiations. "I don't know why we even care what those beret wearing, espresso drinking, bicycle riding pansies over there think anyway," Inhofe said. "It's not like it's going to affect us. After all, we've got oceans on both sides of us and they're getting bigger all the time."

In addition to Inhofe and Buffett, the magazine's list includes Sens. John McCain, R-Ariz., and Mary Landrieu, D-La.; Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas; media baron Rupert Murdoch; former Democratic House leader Dick Gephardt; columnist and television pundit George Will; U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue; Charles and David Koch of Koch Industries; and others from the energy industry. "I am really in a better crowd than I have been in for quite some time," Inhofe said. "Most of those folks can read. I think."

"It is something I have taken eight years of hits for, and then finally we have come from a position of about only 18 percent of the people in America stupid enough to agree with my original position 10 years ago to about 75 percent now," Inhofe said, adding that he now feels "redeemed on the issue because enough people believe me, so the science doesn't count."

"If you don't have truth on your side, you don't have logic on your side and you don't have science on your side, you have to revert to name calling," he said. "In Oklahoma we call that taking the high road."