What Is The Sound Of One Mitt Talking?

We've been doing our best to avoid the Iowa caucus because, come on, seriously, Iowa? Iowa bears as much resemblance to the American electorate as the Kardashians do to the staff of the Large Hadron Collider. Still it does give members of our professional journalistic class the opportunity to write about stuff that's easy rather than stuff that's important, so it's been pretty hard not to find out that Newt made an eighth grader cry in Ottumwa, or how many churches invited Michele Bachmann to explain to them how she knows Jesus wrote the constitution. We often thought that in the midst of yet another "analytical" piece about Rick Santorum's strategy of driving his bus around to all 99 counties because, well, because there are 99 counties, we would have liked to have read one in depth story about why we should give a fig on a stick about any of it.

So when the inter toobz coughed up this story we thought finally, something that explains it all, at least as far as Mittbot is concerned. The headline captures it perfectly: "Romney Supporter Says Mitt’s China-Bashing Is Just Hot Air."

The small businessman who hosted and supports Mitt Romney here — and makes a healthy portion of his living outsourcing manufacturing work to China — has a message for his fellow businessfolk: Don’t worry, Romney’s tough talk on China is just that. Talk.

Now you're thinking wait a minute Ironicus, it can't be good when even your own supporters don't believe a word that you say. And we reply oh novices, do you not see the genius here? Do you not see the brilliance?

Look, long ago Mitt realized that standing on principle limited your options. It pushed you down a per-determined path. It was a cause and effect trap, man, an existential prison. And Mitt had an epiphany, an awakening to a simple universal truth: The Man Who Says Everything, Says Nothing.

This is the quest Mitt set out on years ago and while his opponents were the first to come to the conclusion that words coming out of Mitt's mouth had a half life in the femtosecond range, what this article confirms is that Mitt has finally achieved his quest:

Even his supporters don't believe anything he says.

He has reached the nirvana of nothingness, the pinnacle of pointlessness. He has become everything, and thus he has become nothing. It's like a totally zen campaign, man. Mitt is a walking, talking koan. He's the perfect candidate, completely without substance or form. He's beholding to no one because he's promised everybody everything. He can govern anyway he wants because he's supported every issue that he has opposed and opposed every issue that he's supported. He has become the empty vessel emptied. 

Cripes, and you guys thought he was a Mormon. Dude's the Buddha man, and we're all part of his dream...or maybe he's part of ours...