Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Adding Insult to Injury Department here in the  marbled halls of IM central. AItI is a division of the You're Ugly and Nobody Likes You Company, in partnership with British Petroleum.

Apparently it's not enough that the only people who come to see greyhound racing anymore are...heck, no one comes to see greyhound racing anymore. Well, there is Larry over on Elm street, but in his defense the track is next to the Rehab Center he goes to since the accident and he probably just gets confused from time to time. Head injury you know.

Anyway the point is that even though no tracks are operating, states are still taking time out of their busy days to pass laws saying greyhound racing is illegal.

Rhode Island Gov. Don Carcieri signed legislation allowing betting parlors in that state to end dog racing, meaning greyhound racing is over in all of New England. Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine each outlawed dog racing in the past couple of years. It ended for financial reasons in New Hampshire, and the state Senate recently voted to make live racing illegal. Connecticut's last greyhound track closed in 2006.

 Man. Talk about making someone move out and then changing the locks, getting a restraining order, buying a big, mean dog and having your brother in law who used to be a professional football player come stay with you...

It gets worse. All this has emboldened the animal rights wackos and they're like let's get all up in Florida's grill.

"GREY2K USA will now now intensify its efforts to close down the 13 dog tracks of Florida," Christine Dorchak, president of GREY2K, said. "We realize the way Florida is shaped it causes most of the stupidity in the country to drain into it, but we are confident we can plug a lot of the leakage from Alabama and that will give us a shot," she added.

Wow. That's a bit harsh, don't you think Christine? We mean, regardless of your feeling about racing itself, as we've told you many times (here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here) the care the units...er...dogs receive is first rate. Got to protect the investment, right Robert Edward Trow?

According to a ruling from the Racing Commission, which regulates racing in Birmingham, the dog Potrs Banshee won the 10th race on Oct. 20, 2009, and then tested positive for benzoylecgonine, a common marker for cocaine that can be detected in urine days after cocaine itself has left the body. The commission ordered the purse from the race rescinded and fined the handler, Robert Edward Trow, $750 because of the positive test.

 Oh, hey that's not fair. How can Mr. Trow be responsible for what the dogs do in their own time, right Jack?

Jack is very sweet and curious about everything. He enjoys pets but doesn’t actively seek them out. He is very easygoing and mellow. He will randomly blow a big puff of air through is mouth. Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and he would probably be okay as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Priests Get Multiple Choice, But Nuns Get Essay With No Partial Credit

One of the aspects of commercial grade religion that always put a fly in our mustard was the idea that the big J was always testing our faith. Every time something bad would happen we were always told it was because we had to have our faith tested again. Passing the test usually revolved around sitting down, shutting up and not asking too many questions.

Cripes, thinks us, if this guy is all knowing, all seeing why does he need to go all quiz crazy on our barely post pubescent,scrawny buttocks? Mr. Constant our illegal immigrant ninth grade algebra teacher used to tell us he needed to test us because that was the only way he could see what we were thinking, but JC is supposed to be able to read our thoughts and stuff, right? At least that's what Sister Victorine used to tell us when she caught us staring at Elizabeth Arlen's chest.

Mmmm...those blouses, so tight and the buttons straining to stay fastened. And when she would lean forward, the gaps...erm...where were we? Oh yeah, testing. Well, all this is by way of saying we can sympathize with Sister Margaret McBride who had like a super cumulative final exam thrown at her:

Last November, a 27-year-old woman was admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix. She was 11 weeks pregnant with her fifth child, and she was gravely ill. According to a hospital document, she had "right heart failure," and her doctors told her that if she continued with the pregnancy, her risk of mortality was "close to 100 percent." The patient, who was too ill to be moved to the operating room much less another hospital, agreed to an abortion. But there was a complication: She was at a Catholic hospital. But the hospital felt it could proceed because of an exception — called Directive 47 in the U.S. Catholic Church's ethical guidelines for health care providers — that allows, in some circumstance, procedures that could kill the fetus to save the mother. Sister Margaret McBride, who was an administrator at the hospital as well as its liaison to the diocese, gave her approval.

Now, see this lady is a nun and stuff which means she takes all that church says this and church says that yadda yadda seriously.  Probably even listens to the pope. Probably. We have to believe this wasn't easy for her, even with Directive 47. We also have to wonder why god would decide to test her faith by threatening to kill this poor mother. Didn't he get enough of that blind obedience action with Job? Seriously. What's this guy's major maladjustment anyway?

Back to the story. Probably figuring that if mom dies an 11 week old fetus isn't exactly looking at collecting social security some day, Sister McBride decides to save the mom. It was the logical thing to do, but still, nuns are like weapons grade catholics, so we're sure sister wasn't like, "OK off the kid. Now watch this drive."

Oops. The logical thing to do. Big mistake.

The woman survived. When Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted heard about the abortion, he declared that McBride was automatically excommunicated — the most serious penalty the church can levy. "She consented in the murder of an unborn child," says the Rev. John Ehrich, the medical ethics director for the Diocese of Phoenix. "There are some situations where the mother may in fact die along with her child."

OK, now explain this to us Padre: God tests your faith by making you attracted to young boys, then puts you in a position where you can succumb to that temptation--which you do. Repeatedly. Apparently that's a pass because god sends you to another parish where you can start all over again. but, god presents you with a choice of letting one person die or two, you chose one and whamo, that's a big fail and you get kicked out of class.

We don't mean to be disagreeable or anything, but somebody is going to have to show us the answer key here.

And Jesus Said Unto Them, "Soak 'Dem Pagans!"

 Ah, shoulder chip christens...gotta love 'em, bless their little passive aggressive hearts. We call them shoulder chip christians because they wear their faith on their shoulder like a chip they just dare you to knock off. For the record, you can knock it off by confronting them directly, or by ignoring them, and if you don't do enough of either they'll take the chip off and throw it on the ground themselves, then blame you. That seems to be what happened in Florida where two of Jesus' finest have gotten all up in Satan's grill. Well, Schandra Rodriguez's grill. Potato, potahto.

Two teachers at Blanche Ely High School in Pompano Beach are in danger of losing their jobs after a March incident in which they allegedly doused an atheist teacher with holy water. Lawyers for the two admitted their clients may have gotten the word of god confused with the Wizard of Oz, "But that still doesn't give a godless--and probably communist--heathen the right to walk around out in the open amongst good decent folk," said one.

Local clergy have called an emergency meeting over two teachers who were removed from their classrooms after sprinkling holy water onto an atheist colleague.

 As well they should. Certainly at the very least that wasn't a very christian thing for those two ladies to do. We mean, christians are supposed to be all about being peace, love and stuff, right? WWJD and all that. Now that they've had a little time to reflect on the episode, we're sure they're going to want to apologize to Schrandra and lay a little of that good old christian love on her. Thats' the way to bring those wandering sheep into the fold, are we right?

“We need to know why one teacher is allowed to teach our children there is no God and nothing is done,” said the Rev. Willie J. Rainer, husband of one of the accused teachers and; an associate pastor of Hopewell Baptist Church in Pompano Beach. “But the Christian teachers have been removed from the classroom even though nothing has been proven.”

Umm...OK. Not quite the response we were expecting. Wasn't that atheist lady the one we was attacked?

Rainer and Robinson are represented by attorney Johnny L. McCray Jr."I will attend the meeting, and I think it’s commendable for this community of ministers to recognize this injustice,” McCray said. “It’s equally encouraging that they are concerned about the manner in which Ms. Robinson and Ms. Rainer are being treated.”

Yeah. We think you're missing the point here good christian people. Perhaps a tale from our childhood will help. When we were in fifth grade we went to a school that had an elevated covered walkway between two wings of the building. A sidewalk ran underneath it. One winter day we were out with Butchie Smith having a contest to see who could loft a snowball completely over the walkway. After a couple of near misses we had just launched our third attempt when Mr. Dermady the math teacher came out of the building and started walking down the sidewalk. Now, it was completely his fault for coming out of the building when he did, and we certainly had no intention of hitting him with a snowball as he was known ear puller and arm pincher. None-the-less when our errant satellite came back to earth it chose to make its landing square on top of Mr. Dermady's fedora, underneath which was Mr. Dermady himself.

Well, you can see how we were totally innocent of any wrongdoing in this little episode, yet the principal concluded Mr. Dermady was the aggrieved party by virtue of the fact that he had been struck by our--and we feel we can't overstate this--totally innocent snowball toss, and we were awarded a week's worth of detention. You see where we're going with this?

“We were contacted, and we agreed to hold the meeting at our church,” said the Rev. O’Neal Dozier, pastor of the Worldwide Christian Center. “We have to make sure this is not an attack on Christianity. It is totally unfair to remove the two teachers, and allow the other teacher to remain. We need answers and for them to be returned to the classroom.”

 Guess not. Must be some religious principle at work here with which we're not familiar.

And On the Eighth Day God Created The Appeals Process

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know there is true folly in achievement...er...we mean know that we here at IM Central strive to bring you cogent analysis written in razor sharp prose through arguments laid out with surgical precision. Give or take a little.

Well, that's all over now pardner. Turns out we based our whole approach to interpreting the world around us on a false assumption and now we have to question the reality in which we live. We mean the regular reality too, not the one  you're used to seeing from us.

For example, we thought that legal stuff, like say trials for instance, were the purview of judges, prosecutors, and defense professionals...you know, lawyers and stuff. Turns out it's not lawyers at all who are responsible for the application of the codified customs of this here great nation, it's the clergy.

The controversial Harlem pastor who led a days-long "trial" of President Obama says the resulting "guilty" verdict and corroborating stuff that, you know corroborates and such, will now be turned over to anyone who will take a COD delivery, congressional and otherwise."I tried to get the legal establishment to listen to me," said Pastor James Manning, "But they kept talking evidence this and due process that until I couldn't tell my ipso from my facto so I just decided to find Obama guilty myself."

The activist pastor says that under the 10th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, citizens can legally hold a trial and arrive at a guilty verdict by "dressing up all fancy with them wigs and stuff and saying  'Objection'! a lot just like on Law and Order," with the results turned over to appropriate government bodies for entertainment in the staff lounge. When asked how the 10th Amendment could override Article III of the Constitution which lays out government responsibilities in Judicial areas--particularly Section 2 which states that trials of crimes shall be held in the state where the crime was committed--Manning replied that "maybe it was the 10th Commandment" he was thinking about. "I get them mixed up," he continued. "Specially when Mrs. Jones shows up for choir practice in that red skirt that's so short I can almost see the promised land, Hallelujah!"

Manning claims the fact that the Secret Service, charged with protecting the president and investigating threats, allowed the "trial" to take place constitutes evidence it was legitimate. When asked why he thought he trial would be a threat to the president, Manning replied, "They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! And I'd have produced that key if they hadn't pulled Caine out of action! I-I-I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer and!......"

"If the trial did not have legal standing, then why did the federal or city authorities not intervene to halt [the proceeding]?" he said. "We did not hide the trial, in fact we did our best to promote it. When asked for comment a spokesperson for the Secret Service said, "Who?"

The event was held at Atlah World Missionary Church over the past few days....

Wait a minute wait a minute. Atlah? What the heck is Atlah?

ATLAH stands for All The Land Anointed Holy. Yeah, well OK but you don't usually include articles like "the" and "a" in the acronym, so a more exact spelling would be ALAH, see because the grammar would...WHOA! Alah? Alah? Holy Crap! It's the mooslims!!1!!eleventy1!

Wait. Why would the mooslims go after a fellow mooslim...unless...unless it's the double back jihadi reversal swithceroo to throw us off the track!  That's it. That's got to be it! See, a bunch of crazy people call Obama an Islamic and we think, oh those people are crazy so we don't pay any attention to them when really Obama is Salaaming and Halaling all over the White House and nobody is the wiser...until it's too late.

Oh, the geometric logic! It's...algebraic!

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey! This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no fooling around.  You animal rights wackos have really stepped in it this time. You blow into a state in your Priuses (Priuii?) find an inhumane sport that is dying anyway and proceed to get all righteous on the buttocks of those poor unskilled, heartless sorry excuses for human beings that are only trying to suck a meager existence off the backs of innocent animals.

Umm...we mean you've been picking on the overlords. Well, if you'll forgive the pun, every dog has its day as they say, and brother, those black souled, empty eyed, slack jawed, parasites on the greyhound breed are about to do some serious barking.

Er...we mean the industry has decided to take their fight to court.

The owners of a Lynn kennel that trained greyhounds to race claim in a lawsuit against the state that their constitutional rights were violated when Massachusetts banned dog racing.

 Oh it is so on. How you like us now you Birkenstock wearing, green tea sipping, PBS watching busy bodies? Bet you didn't see that part in the Constitution that says we have the right to injure and kill animals for profit. Thomas Jefferson himself wrote that.

Head industry talker guy Doug Pizzi, in an attempt to convince the kennel owners to keep him on the payroll, tells The Boston Globe that the referendum "took people’s property away without any compensation." When asked to cite examples of the government confiscating any land, buildings or animals Pizzi replied that he was pretty sure someone had taken his jacket. "I left it on the chair when I went to the bathroom and when I came back it was gone."

Ha. A clear case of government overreach. Open and shut don't you think Nikki?

Nikki is fun and puppy-like. She is affectionate – she will bring you toys or rub against you for attention. She loves playing with toys and will bring all the toys from the toy box to her bed and then take them back. She is funny and is a quick learner. She likes to play ball. Nikki would do well in a working family home that could let her out mid day, or with someone who is home more often. She is good with other dogs and well-mannered children. She would do well in a family that will include her in their daily activities. She needs to live in a single family home, because she can be vocal when left home alone.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mitt Romney Call Your Office

All throughout history people have wondered whose side god is really on. Of course god himself has remained famously mum on the whole thing, thus leading to years of inquisitions, crusades, jihads pogroms and purges. Got to admit the guy likes to keep you guessing. Could almost say the dude is coy, but using a term generally describing tenth grade girls in reference to the ruler of the universe will probably get us turned into frogs or something, so let's just move on to the point of this little missive.

Now, we know you come to this blog for answers to the difficult questions because you had some sort of vitamin deficiency as a child...er...we mean because your boss is out of the office in the afternoon...no...because the cable is out...umm...well never mind, you're here.

We've built up your expectations and you should have known better because now we're going to tell you that we don't know whose side god is on either, but we can tell you who he doesn't like, white guys.

Kenneth Patrick Smith, a Mesa lawyer and president of the Valencia Branch, a Spanish-speaking LDS congregation in Mesa, said missionaries from his church have had doors slammed in their faces since Arizona's new law was signed by Gov. Jan Brewer in April. "They say, 'Why would we want to hear anything from a religion that would do this to the Hispanic community?' " said Smith,

Just think about the implications of that remark for a moment. Can you name a church whiter than the Mormons? They're so white Illinois was too diverse for them fer chrissakes, so they moved to Utah where for 150 years they wouldn't even let the brothers come in the temple--even by the back door. Oh sure, now they're all like"'Sup Homie?" when they're at your crib, but then you pick up a paper and read:

Sen. Russell Pearce, a Republican from Mesa and sponsor of Arizona's tough new immigration law is a member of the church. Pearce has repeatedly said his efforts to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and keep them from coming here is based on the Mormon Church's 13 Articles of Faith, which includes obeying the law.

Yeah. The white man's laws. Are we right dawgs? Are we right? Day am!

Many Latinos who view the new law as unjust and discriminatory blame not only Pearce but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That is making it hard for Mormons to proselytize to the state's 1.8 million Latinos, whom the church views as key to future growth.

"Many Latinos"...AND ALSO GOD!!1!!1!. How else can you explain it? Look, we know god sent Katrina to smush the homos, and earthquaked Hati for cozying up to the devil, so why else would the Mormon church be having so much trouble except that they've gone a ticked off the all powerful one? We mean, god's supposed to be watching out for churches right? How else do you explain the fact that Benedict is still out of jail?

It's right there folks. It's staring us in the face. It's as plain as the sacred underwear in your sacred underwear drawer:

God, ladies and gentlemen, is a beaner.

In Which Ironicus Announces: We Are Precogs

OK so you probably come to this blog thinking no matter how badly things are going in your life, at least you aren't Ironicus Maximus. That's all right. Socially redeeming value is overstated anyway and though this blog may be the scale that forms along the toobz of these here inter webs, we proudly proclaim that we also serve who only...uh...waste your time.

Well, that probably could have been phrased better, but our point is that even though your visit to our little neighborhood is preceded by low expectations, occasionally even we rise to the level of mildly informative. To wit: Last week in what has become semi-regular visits to the red hat club we wrote the following:

His strong comments placed the blame for the crisis squarely on the sins of pedophile priests (who, he pointed out, are legally not employees of the vatican, but private contractors), repudiating the Vatican's initial response to the scandal, in which it blamed the media as well as pro-choice and pro-gay marriage advocates, sun spots, the economic collapse in Greece and the designated hitter rule for mounting a campaign against the church and the pope.

Now, admittedly that part about those in the church employ being private contractors was a throw away line, one of those things our fingers type while our minds are occupied  with higher thoughts, like when did they add a Hajib competition to the Miss America pageant? However, it those very times when we have totally distracted ourselves, even from our distraction that we are open to higher signals, to the force if you will, to echoes of future time, to eternity, to the very voice of god. Stoli helps too, but we'll let old Benedicto tell it:

The Vatican on Monday will make its most detailed defense yet against claims that it is liable for U.S. bishops who allowed priests to molest children, saying bishops are not its employees and that a 1962 Vatican document did not require them to keep quiet, The Associated Press has learned.

 Yes, ladies and gentlemen you heard it here first. El Popo Grande is cutting the boinkers loose. May the sweet Jebus and his sainted momma watch over their  pasty white behinds 'cause misters, this here church is aloha.

Now don't go getting all huffy either padres. Read your bible, Matthew 28:20 says Jesus is with you until the end of time, but Bene? He jets.  See ya don't want to be ya.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, did you hear? The recession is over. Happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again so let's sing a song of cheer...excuse us, what?

President Barack Obama says the recession isn't over for people who can't find jobs or pay their bills.

Yeah, well, can't argue with that. Not having a job does tend to cut into your ability to pay your bills, what with not having any money and all. Man. President Obama sure can catch the nuances of a problem can't he? But look, things are getting better, so if you had a job once, you'll probably have a job again soon, right?

Fewer construction workers will be needed. Don't expect as many interior designers or advertising copywriters, either. Retailers will get by with leaner staffs. The economy is strengthening. But millions of jobs lost in the recession could be gone for good. And unlike in past recessions, jobs in the beleaguered manufacturing sector aren't the only ones likely lost forever. What sets the Great Recession apart is the variety of jobs that may not return.

 Oh. OK...uh...let us think here a minute...Wait. We know. You need a new career right? A new direction, new challenges and opportunities. Why not become an overlord?

Champion trainer Mark Wallis touched on the subject recently to GOBATA (Greyhound, Owners, Breeders and Trainers Association) and claimed that many trainers have been feeling the pinch with his own Imperial Kennels at Lakenheath in Suffolk running at a loss of £15,000 for the past two years.

No job is perfect Mark. Besides, we're sure an industry as family friendly as greyhound exploitation racing is aware of your plight and moving to help out.

The Greyhound Board of Great Britain is a centre for governance, regulation and welfare as well as a lead for commercial development and growth of the sport. It is supposedly committed to managing its functions to the highest standards achievable and being efficient, effective and accountable to those that it licenses, and the public.

There you go. Problem solved.

The GBGB seem quite willing to give hundreds of thousands of pounds to millionaire owners to improve restaurant facilities at tracks, which in result has increased the track’s tote and attendances by up to 40% yet continue to penalise the trainers by slashing prize money in graded races.

 Hmm...that does seem a little unfair what with attendances up 40% and all. Seems to us a little more equitable sharing of the wealth could go on.

Effective and operational from January 1st 2009, the GBGB’s primary goal should have been to build a good relationship with all those connected to the sport; in particular with the trainers, to try and tackle the worrying decline.

 We heartily concur. Good relations are the life blood of a vibrant, growing organization. It is crucial...wait..."worrying decline"? What happened to the 40% increase? Well, no one ever said you had to be a math major to make it as an overlord. What the trainers need is an advocate. A spokesperson, someone to speak out for them, right Jorge Hank Rhon?

Earlier this year, the American Greyhound Track Owners Association, which is headquartered at the Palm Beach Kennel Club, took on a new member. At the AGTOA's spring conference, held in Las Vegas, then-President Karen Keelan called MIR/Caliente the group's "newest and most supportive member."

 Boo Yah! Nothing invigorates an organization like fresh ideas, a new outlook and untapped energy. This has got to be good.

Jorge Hank Rhon, is a former mayor of Tijuana who's been accused of everything from money laundering to murder. In Mexico, his contentious past has earned him the nickname "Genghis Hank."

 "Gengis Hank." Heh heh. We're sure they mean that in a good way.

He's also one of Mexico's most notorious traffickers in exotic and endangered animals. In 1989, one of Rhon's cheetahs escaped and was hit by a pickup truck in Tijuana traffic. Before the police could set up a crime scene, the injured animal was taken away by Rhon's zoo guards. In 1991, he paid a $25,000 fine after a baby white tiger was found in his Mercedes as it crossed the border into Mexico.

 See? Animal lover.

An FBI-DEA task force investigated Rhon for money laundering in a case that involved Taesa Airlines and Loredo National Bank. A 1999 report from the Department of Justice says Rhon "is more openly criminal than either his father or his brother... and is regarded as ruthless, dangerous, and prone to violence."

 Prone to violence? That's a little extreme don't you think? Sure the guy's a little...ah...exuberant, but that's just what an industry with "worrying declines" needs, right?

The worst of the allegations against the AGTOA's newest partner, though, involves the murder of a journalist in Mexico. In April 1988,Hector "El Gato" Felix Miranda, a longtime critic of Rhon's, was assassinated on his way to work. Two of his security guards were convicted of the murder, though the well-connected Rhon was never charged.

 Umm...well, on the bright side, if you do get him to argue for a bigger cut for trainers, people will probably listen, right Molly?

Molly is very playful and puppy-like. She loves to play with toys and will jump out of bed, grab a toy and throw it in the air. She is a big sweetheart. She is very loving and affectionate. She is eager to please and likes to get all the attention. She will approach and stare at you with longing eyes so that you will pet her. She is very cuddly. She loves to give kisses. She plays hard and rests hard. Molly would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She can be a bit on the whining side when left alone, so she needs to be in a single family home. She is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog if the family plays with her to burn off her puppy energy.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bubbas Booze And Bullets. What Can Go Wrong?

Frequent readers of this blog probably remember seeing the promise of their youth disappear into the dark night of the future like the lights on ships slowly dropping below the horizon...er...we mean probably remember a post a while back in which we lamented the demise of good community based mental health care.

Returning once again to that topic we 'd like to reiterate our position and add the following to the discussion:

ARE YOU INSANE!!?!!

Oh wait. You are. Sorry, our bad.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell has until April 12 to take action on three unpopular gun bills that would put state residents at greater risk of gun violence:  SB 334, SB 408, and HB 1217. SB 334 would allow concealed carry permit holders to bring loaded handguns into establishments that have a liquor license in Virginia, including bars, nightclubs, restaurants, pizza parlors and bowling alleys.

In fairness to the Bills' supporters we have to point out that they are only "unpopular" with people WHO ARE NOT INSANE!!1!!1! Look, we have a compromise that should please everyone. Instead of bringing an gun into the bar, just stuff  a hot dog, in your pants and wear that into the bar. You're sending the same message and no one will be hurt, although your date may be disappointed.

Another bill on Governor McDonnell's desk, SB 408, would allow those without concealed carry permits to keep loaded handguns in their vehicles or boats if stored in a locked container such as a glove compartment.

Right. Because you never know when you'll have to shoot someone who's too slow to pull away from the light when it changes, or pop that annoying water skier who keeps buzzing around the lake. After all , it says it right in the Second Amendment: The right of the people to keep and bear arms and off those annoying mofos who shouldn't be allowed out in public anyway shall not be infringed. 'Specially if they're, you know, ethnicals and such.

HB 1217 requires the Virginia Board of Education to establish a standardized program of gun safety education for students in elementary school.

Nothing says America like a second grader with a Glock strapped to his little heinie.

The Georgia House has just passed a bill to expand the places where licensed gun owners may carry. The bill passed 118 to 48. It has to go back to the Senate for approval of some House committee changes. The bill, sponsored by Sen. Mitch Seabaugh (R-Sharpshooter), would allow licensed gun owners to carry in non-secure areas of airports, in bars where the owners allow it and in the parking lots of colleges, courthouses and jails.

Wait. You can carry a gun into the jail? Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose? 

It would eliminate the 1,000-foot limitation on guns at schools and colleges and has been one of the most hotly debated bills of the 2010 General Assembly session.

 See, because not that many people can hit a target 1000 feet away, so if you want to voice your displeasure at your instructor for assigning extra reading over the holiday, you need to be able to get a little closer. Now that's what we call a legislature in touch with its constituents. .

When guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns, which is probably better than the morons who have them now.

Arizona! Motto: Za Dom Spremni!

We're coming to you from the Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words Department today. The PIWATW Department is a division of the It's Not Washout, I'm Really That White Corporation in partnership with This Is A Face Only Stormfront Could Love, LLC.

We told you recently about Arizona's confusion regarding the nature of the Federal Race to The Top program. They thought it was Race On the Top and hence have been passing white's only legislation faster than chaw disappears at a NASCAR race.

Their latest effort in the competition is a bill to outlaw ethnic studies--unless that ethic is white that is.

Arizona governor Jan Brewer has signed a bill targeting a school district's ethnic studies program, hours after a report by United Nations human rights experts condemned the measure.

Apparently, being condemned by human rights experts was just the push the bill needed to make it over the top, right State Schools Chief Tom Horne?

Horne, a Republican running for attorney general, said the program promotes ethnic chauvinism. "If there's going to be any race that gets to be chauvinists, it's going to be us," Horne said.

The measure doesn't prohibit classes that teach about the history of a particular ethnic group, as long as the course is open to all students and doesn't promote ethnic solidarity or resentment. "We want all ethnic groups to feel welcome in Arizona," Horne said. "As long as they're polite and know their place."

Which brings us back to the subject of our little epistle today. How could you not feel welcome in Arizona when you see this face signing yet another discriminatory, racist law onto the books:

BREAKING: Pope Thinks Priests May Have Been "A Tad Naughty From Time To Time"

Now, we'll be the first to admit we've been a trifle hard on old Benedicto since this whole Boink the Choirboys thing got into the press. Um...perhaps 'hard" isn't the best descriptor, given the nature of this little contretemps in which the church catholic finds itself. It's just the whole idea of people who purport to be moral and spiritual guardians and guides using their position to take advantage of children in a  most despicable, heartless and damaging way, then being protected by the very body that should have been the first to deplore and punish their behavior has left us somewhat, shall we say vexed? Call us old fashioned.

Anyway, it seems all that is in the past now, because the draped one has finally seen the light.

Pope Benedict blamed the church's own sins for the clerical abuse scandal — not a campaign mounted by outsiders — and called for profound purification to end what he called the "greatest persecution" the church has endured. "In other words, the pope finally realized it wasn't the outsiders doing the mounting," said a representative of the Vatican Office of Trying To Make The Whole Thing Go Away.

Well, better late than never, says us, but that "purification" thing has us a little worried what with the pope's...uh...youthful exuberances and all.

His strong comments placed the blame for the crisis squarely on the sins of pedophile priests (who, he pointed out, are legally not employees of the vatican, but private contractors), repudiating the Vatican's initial response to the scandal, in which it blamed the media as well as pro-choice and pro-gay marriage advocates, sun spots, the economic collapse in Greece and the designated hitter rule for mounting a campaign against the church and the pope.

"The greatest persecution of the church doesn't come from enemies on the outside but is born from the sins within the church," the pontiff said. "The church needs to profoundly relearn penitence, accept purification, learn forgiveness but also justice."

Ah. So the church as been a very, very bad boy and it needs a spanking.

We don't think this is the last we'll hear of this.

They're Taking Jobs From Americans, But They're Being Very Polite About It

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the ultimate comfort of surrender...er...we mean know that we call the Water Winter Wonderland our home and have been proud Michiganians (Not Michiganders you out state yahoos!) for many years now. Treasured are the afternoons we have wiled away watching Michigan Outdoors or yelling at the screen as reluctant witnesses to yet another Lions collapse. Yes, we count ourselves authentic pierogi eating, fudge buying, American made sons of the pleasant peninsula. Plus we hate that so called University in Ann Arbor which makes us even more true...um...blue.

That didn't come out quite right, but the point is as card carrying fans of our adopted state we have often turned a jaded eye on our fellow citizens unlucky enough to have to live in a state not surrounded on three sides by one fifth of the world's surface fresh water supply. In fact just the other day we pointed out some less than attractive features of living in the Grand Canyon State.

We may have spoken a bit prematurely.

A Michigan lawmaker believes the state's law enforcement officers need the authority to arrest illegal immigrants and is drafting legislation similar to Arizona's new immigration law.

 See, because now when the police find an illegal immigrant instead of arresting him the cops have to give him $50 and a ride to wherever he wants.

Representative Kim Meltzer, R-Clinton Township (91.2% white and wanting to keep it that way, there Juan), said her bill would allow police to request proof of citizenship from people who are stopped and questioned on another offense, such as eating a home made burrito or having no tan lines. Officers would have the authority to arrest people who can't prove their legal status, or who pronounce violet as 'biolet' and say 'tink' instead of think. "The founding fathers didn't intend for this country to be overrun by other races," Meltzer told reporters. "That's why they killed off all the Indians."

"We have borders in place for a reason," Meltzer said. "Everyone should play by the rules. Well, except for us white folks who get to make the rules."

Meltzer, who's a candidate for state Senate in the August primary election, said racial profiling — a key fear among opponents of Arizona's law — would not be tolerated.  "Just because the good lord made you brown isn't automatically a cause for suspicion, but you have to wonder why, if god could have made Jesus any color he wanted, why did he make him white? I mean, just look at the pictures."

Ken Grabowski, legislative director for the Police Officers Association of Michigan, said a law giving local police more authority is "probably something that needs to be done. Would we be able to TASE them first? Got to be able to TASE the little amigos 'cause once they get to running my people ain't about to catch them."

Meltzer said Michigan law enforcement officers have been left with the responsibility to protect the state against those who sneak across the U.S.-Canadian border. Federal border officials allocated about $20 million a year ago for 11 cameras to be set up along the St. Clair River to watch for illegal immigrants crossing from Canada.

Whoa. Wait a minute. We thought you were talking about the Hispanicals, but you're talking about Canadians? Crap. That is serious.

Friday Hound Blogging

Long time fans of FHB will remember one George Carney, a frequent visitor to these pages and head overlord at Raynham Taunton Greyhound Exploitation Park before the good people of Massachusetts informed him that productive labor was not just a good idea, it was the law.

Mr. Carney had long warned that passing the law would result in the Bay State falling into the ocean and drifting off to some desultory future, perhaps as a colony of France. Mr. Carney was also concerned about those workers at the track who relied on him for their low wage no benefit jobs, since once the option of being a participant in the legalized abuse of animals for profit  was gone, no career options would remain in the state, except maybe to run for Ted Kennedy's seat which meant you had to be able to read and stuff.

Well, never one to say I told you so, it looks like Mr. Carney was right because now, a mere five months into the ban on sucking your trailer payment off the backs of dogs, the area around the old dog track has become a veritable post apocalyptic horrorscape of broken dreams, lawlessness and--if you'l pardon the expression--dog eat dog competition.

Taunton-area politicians are exceedingly pleased with the bill that appears headed on path for the governor’s desk. The bill passed by House lawmakers was modeled in part by the legislation proposed annually for 10 years by Bridgewater state Rep. David Flynn. It was the first, however, to pass in the House of Representatives and appears, Flynn said, to have enough votes for approval in the Senate. "It looks very promising." The bill calls for two resort-style casinos and 3,000 slot machine parlors at the state's four racetracks.

See, this is what happens in a liberal nanny state where the government thinks it knows better than the people and legislates behavior. Jobs are lost, futures foreclosed and families shattered, right Mr. Carney?

Raynham Park owner George Carney was happy the odds improved for hosting a slot machine parlor. "Yes, I am," he said.

What a brave man. He's obviously smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside. Try to keep up that brave face Mr. Carney. You are the one beacon of hope in this dark night of government over-reaching. Your people look to you for inspiration even though all you can give them is your courage.

Carney is prepared to invest $15 million for a licensing fee and some $200 million in converting the old greyhound track into a slots parlor with room for retailers, entertainment venues and even a possible commuter rail station.

Oh. Well, that's good too.

Most importantly, state Senator Marc Pacheco said, the bill creates jobs and revenue to the state. "This is great news for our region, in particular." State Representative James Fagan said the gambling bill is an economic stimulus plan, creating 1,000 new jobs. “I think for Taunton there will be an immediate impact on jobs and revenue within a year of reopening the track as a gambling facility,” he said. “It can't help but help.”

Increased economic growth and job opportunities once you get rid of greyhound exploitation. Don't you just hate it when that happens Mindy?

Mindy is very playful and very friendly. She is a little timid when you approach her, but she is friendly if she approaches you. She follows her foster mom around the house. She is very affectionate. She will approach and stand by you for attention. She gives lots of kisses. She is right in the group when the family dog is being petted. She likes to play with toys. She will pull all the toys out and throws them in the air. She likes chasing balls and she will almost fetch. She is curious – she checks out open closet doors, picks up socks, etc. Mindy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She would do best in a home that either has someone home more often or that has another dog for her to play with. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hey Bene! You Think The Victims Of Priest Sex Abuse Gave You Headaches? Wait Until You Tick Off A Nun

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the hollow laugh of fate echoing through the empty rooms in the castles of their imaginations, now abandoned to the grim landlords of decay and decline...er...we mean will recall that we are products of the religoeducorporate educational complex, having spent a fair portion of our formative years under the benevolent--if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the Christian Brothers, ably assisted by the Sisters of the Order of Perpetual Detention which is why we feel uniquely qualified in pointing out that Teh Popmeister has stepped in it big time. It's not like we didn't warn the guy either. One of the most lasting lessons we took with us from our years under the watchful classroom gaze of Caucasian Jesus was: Don't. Mess. With. The. Nuns.

Three Catholic women's communities in Washington state are being investigated by the Vatican. They were chosen for review as part of an extensive investigation into American nuns after rumors surfaced that the nuns were "getting all womeny and stuff." The Vatican says it's following up on complaints of feminism, activism and acting like the church is all about helping people. "They seem much more concerned about handing out sandwiches to homeless people than learning the proper Latin responses at mass," said one vatican investagator. "Plus they're wearing stylish shoes."

When asked who had complained, a representative of the vatican refused to answer, but did say the person had been moved into the church's witness protection plan. "We don't want him having any accidents that involve rulers and knuckles," the spokesman said.

The Archdiocese of Seattle says the Adrian Dominicans for Equal Pay in Woodway, the Renton Sisters of the Traveling Pants and the Tacoma Dominican Sista Souljahs are on the list. Sister Joyce Cox is the Archbishop's Delegate for Actually Living a Religious Life And Not Just Talking About It While You're Wearing The Drapes and A Funny Hat. She says it's not clear what this latest development — or the entire investigation — means."Well, except for the fact that it means Benedict is going to be eating out a lot shortly and probably running out of socks and underwear."

Cox: "Ordinarily visitations are made because there is something of great concern, or some place of scandal or not having integrity to the origins of our life. But if scandal or integrity were the reason they'd be visiting the priests, not us."

The Seattle–area communities were chosen for visits after investigators reviewed responses to questionnaires sent out to every women's order.  "Might have been the response Sister Margaret wrote to the 'Will you always do what priests tell you to do?' question. She wrote: 'not if he tells me to go out and find some sweet young altar boys.' She was just trying to lighten to mood a little," Cox said.

It's not clear why the local orders are being singled out, but the investigation was initiated shorty after Sister Bernice refused Monsignor Allen's request for a "back rub with a felicis terminus." The Renton Sisters run a women's transition house. The Sista Souljahs call themselves risk takers. They work to end human trafficking.

"Well, there's your answer right there," said a spokesperson for the vatican Office of Changing the Subject. "These women are out in the community providing refuge and escape from people who've probably been sexually abusing them. How long is it going to be before one of them runs into a priest? Can you imagine the PR nightmare that would be?"

Church investigators say they'll report to Rome next year after their knuckles heal enough to write again.

The Bell Strikes One. We Take No Note Of Time But From Its Loss

There is one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog...When all other friends desert him, he remains.

George Graham Vest

One of our oldest blog friends lost a good friend of his today and we're all a little diminished because of it. So long Mooks. Going to miss you boy.

Mookie,
November 24, 1997 - May 3, 2010

Arizona! Motto: It's Not What You Tink

OK let's get off of Arizona's back here folks. Sure they passed a law that means the Hispanicals have to prove they're related to George Washington to stay in the country. Well, more precisely George Washington's gardener, or one of his nannies. Lord knows we don't want no beaners tracing their heritage back to the father of our country. We mean, he's George Freakin' Washington for cripe's sake, not swinging Tommy Jefferson.

Where were we. Oh yeah, unlawful shades of melanin. What's the big deal here? So they have to carry a few extra papers. That can be done with a tasteful personal equipment accouterments such as a nice Hermes Birkin or Manolo Blahniks for the ladies, or an Eddie Bauer Guide Bag or Waterfield Cargo for the gentlemen. Stylish and practical. Sure to be the center of discussion when detained by an officer of the law for walking on the white man's sidewalk while being brown.

See, it's not so bad. It's not like the law orders them to sew little yellow sombreros on their clothes or anything. The Legislature could have done that you know, and it would have been perfectly within their responsibilities because of...umm...terrorism.

Anyway they didn't and it's because they really value their duskier residents. Want proof? Look what their doing to help the little illegal immigrants become real Americans. Well, as real as you can be when you have a permanent tan if you get our drift and we think you do.

In the 1990s, Arizona hired hundreds of teachers whose first language was Spanish as part of a broad bilingual-education program. Many were recruited from Latin America. "At first we thought they all spoke Latin," said Margaret Dugan, deputy superintendent of the state's schools, "Then Miguel, my gardener told me Spanish was the third most popular language in the world so I figured it had to be spoken someplace besides Mexico."

Then in 2000, voters passed a ballot measure stipulating that instruction be offered only in English. Bilingual teachers who had been instructing in Spanish switched to English becuase it's important to have someone only speaking one language in a bilingual classroom, particularly if it's the one the kids don't understand. It's called total immersion, like when you're drowning.

Arizona's enforcement of fluency standards is based on an interpretation of the federal No Child Left Behind Act. That law states that for a school to receive federal funds, students learning English must be instructed by teachers fluent in the language. Defining fluency is left to each state, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Education said. "That was our first mistake," he added.

The education department has dispatched evaluators to audit teachers across the state on things such as comprehensible pronunciation, correct grammar and good writing. "Grammars? We don' need no steenking grammars," said Dugan. "See. I made a little joke there because accents make things funny...er...I mean pedagogically unsound."

Yeah. And spoken English is real grammatical anyway.

Nearly half the teachers at Creighton, a K-8 school in a Hispanic neighborhood of Phoenix, are native Spanish speakers. State auditors have reported to the district that some teachers pronounce words such as violet as "biolet," think as "tink" and swallow the ending sounds of words, as they sometimes do in Spanish. "We tried hiring this teacher from Massachusetts," Dugan said, "But she kept pronouncing car as 'cahr' and yard as 'yahd.' Never could get her to say 'hey Y'all' right either. Had to let her go."

"It doesn't matter to me what the accent is; what matters is if my children are learning," said Luis Tavarez, the parent of sixth- and eighth-graders at Creighton. "An obviously misinformed parent who doesn't understand the goals of the school system here," Dugan said. "Probably says 'biolet' too."

State education officials deny any discrimination against teachers, saying they are acting in students' best interest. "The last thing these kids need is someone teaching them who understands their culture, heritage and learning needs," said one official who asked not to be named. "You want them saying 'I tink' for the rest of their lives?"

We tinks he doth protest too much.