Wednesday, May 26, 2010

And Jesus Said Unto Them, "Soak 'Dem Pagans!"

 Ah, shoulder chip christens...gotta love 'em, bless their little passive aggressive hearts. We call them shoulder chip christians because they wear their faith on their shoulder like a chip they just dare you to knock off. For the record, you can knock it off by confronting them directly, or by ignoring them, and if you don't do enough of either they'll take the chip off and throw it on the ground themselves, then blame you. That seems to be what happened in Florida where two of Jesus' finest have gotten all up in Satan's grill. Well, Schandra Rodriguez's grill. Potato, potahto.

Two teachers at Blanche Ely High School in Pompano Beach are in danger of losing their jobs after a March incident in which they allegedly doused an atheist teacher with holy water. Lawyers for the two admitted their clients may have gotten the word of god confused with the Wizard of Oz, "But that still doesn't give a godless--and probably communist--heathen the right to walk around out in the open amongst good decent folk," said one.
Local clergy have called an emergency meeting over two teachers who were removed from their classrooms after sprinkling holy water onto an atheist colleague.
 As well they should. Certainly at the very least that wasn't a very christian thing for those two ladies to do. We mean, christians are supposed to be all about being peace, love and stuff, right? WWJD and all that. Now that they've had a little time to reflect on the episode, we're sure they're going to want to apologize to Schrandra and lay a little of that good old christian love on her. Thats' the way to bring those wandering sheep into the fold, are we right?
“We need to know why one teacher is allowed to teach our children there is no God and nothing is done,” said the Rev. Willie J. Rainer, husband of one of the accused teachers and; an associate pastor of Hopewell Baptist Church in Pompano Beach. “But the Christian teachers have been removed from the classroom even though nothing has been proven.”
Umm...OK. Not quite the response we were expecting. Wasn't that atheist lady the one we was attacked?
Rainer and Robinson are represented by attorney Johnny L. McCray Jr."I will attend the meeting, and I think it’s commendable for this community of ministers to recognize this injustice,” McCray said. “It’s equally encouraging that they are concerned about the manner in which Ms. Robinson and Ms. Rainer are being treated.”
Yeah. We think you're missing the point here good christian people. Perhaps a tale from our childhood will help. When we were in fifth grade we went to a school that had an elevated covered walkway between two wings of the building. A sidewalk ran underneath it. One winter day we were out with Butchie Smith having a contest to see who could loft a snowball completely over the walkway. After a couple of near misses we had just launched our third attempt when Mr. Dermady the math teacher came out of the building and started walking down the sidewalk. Now, it was completely his fault for coming out of the building when he did, and we certainly had no intention of hitting him with a snowball as he was known ear puller and arm pincher. None-the-less when our errant satellite came back to earth it chose to make its landing square on top of Mr. Dermady's fedora, underneath which was Mr. Dermady himself.

Well, you can see how we were totally innocent of any wrongdoing in this little episode, yet the principal concluded Mr. Dermady was the aggrieved party by virtue of the fact that he had been struck by our--and we feel we can't overstate this--totally innocent snowball toss, and we were awarded a week's worth of detention. You see where we're going with this?
“We were contacted, and we agreed to hold the meeting at our church,” said the Rev. O’Neal Dozier, pastor of the Worldwide Christian Center. “We have to make sure this is not an attack on Christianity. It is totally unfair to remove the two teachers, and allow the other teacher to remain. We need answers and for them to be returned to the classroom.”
 Guess not. Must be some religious principle at work here with which we're not familiar.

1 comment:

scripto said...

I see a bunch of Reverends mentioned but no Fathers. Ain't there a rule against Prots tossing Holy Water? Maybe even a law.