Tuesday, May 25, 2010

And On the Eighth Day God Created The Appeals Process

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know there is true folly in achievement...er...we mean know that we here at IM Central strive to bring you cogent analysis written in razor sharp prose through arguments laid out with surgical precision. Give or take a little.

Well, that's all over now pardner. Turns out we based our whole approach to interpreting the world around us on a false assumption and now we have to question the reality in which we live. We mean the regular reality too, not the one  you're used to seeing from us.

For example, we thought that legal stuff, like say trials for instance, were the purview of judges, prosecutors, and defense professionals...you know, lawyers and stuff. Turns out it's not lawyers at all who are responsible for the application of the codified customs of this here great nation, it's the clergy.

The controversial Harlem pastor who led a days-long "trial" of President Obama says the resulting "guilty" verdict and corroborating stuff that, you know corroborates and such, will now be turned over to anyone who will take a COD delivery, congressional and otherwise."I tried to get the legal establishment to listen to me," said Pastor James Manning, "But they kept talking evidence this and due process that until I couldn't tell my ipso from my facto so I just decided to find Obama guilty myself."

The activist pastor says that under the 10th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, citizens can legally hold a trial and arrive at a guilty verdict by "dressing up all fancy with them wigs and stuff and saying  'Objection'! a lot just like on Law and Order," with the results turned over to appropriate government bodies for entertainment in the staff lounge. When asked how the 10th Amendment could override Article III of the Constitution which lays out government responsibilities in Judicial areas--particularly Section 2 which states that trials of crimes shall be held in the state where the crime was committed--Manning replied that "maybe it was the 10th Commandment" he was thinking about. "I get them mixed up," he continued. "Specially when Mrs. Jones shows up for choir practice in that red skirt that's so short I can almost see the promised land, Hallelujah!"

Manning claims the fact that the Secret Service, charged with protecting the president and investigating threats, allowed the "trial" to take place constitutes evidence it was legitimate. When asked why he thought he trial would be a threat to the president, Manning replied, "They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! And I'd have produced that key if they hadn't pulled Caine out of action! I-I-I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer and!......"

"If the trial did not have legal standing, then why did the federal or city authorities not intervene to halt [the proceeding]?" he said. "We did not hide the trial, in fact we did our best to promote it. When asked for comment a spokesperson for the Secret Service said, "Who?"

The event was held at Atlah World Missionary Church over the past few days....

Wait a minute wait a minute. Atlah? What the heck is Atlah?

ATLAH stands for All The Land Anointed Holy. Yeah, well OK but you don't usually include articles like "the" and "a" in the acronym, so a more exact spelling would be ALAH, see because the grammar would...WHOA! Alah? Alah? Holy Crap! It's the mooslims!!1!!eleventy1!

Wait. Why would the mooslims go after a fellow mooslim...unless...unless it's the double back jihadi reversal swithceroo to throw us off the track!  That's it. That's got to be it! See, a bunch of crazy people call Obama an Islamic and we think, oh those people are crazy so we don't pay any attention to them when really Obama is Salaaming and Halaling all over the White House and nobody is the wiser...until it's too late.

Oh, the geometric logic! It's...algebraic!

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