Monday, February 23, 2009

Dollars? We Don't Need No Stinking Dollars

OK, last week we ruminated on the number of times a person had to be dropped on his or her head as a child in order to be sufficiently scrambled as to be a state legislator. We think we have an answer: Three times less than the number of times it takes to be a governor.

Republican governors were split over whether to accept all of the money their states stand to receive from a $787 billion economic stimulus plan which President Barack Obama signed last week. "Well, you're talking about helping out the people of Mississippi, or remaining true to the principals I abandoned all during the Bush years," said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. "I'm sure the people of Mississippi understand why it's necessary for them to remain jobless and lose their homes and will support me in this difficult decision. Now, watch this drive."

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and Louisiana's Bobby Jindal have also said they would reject the unemployment funds, which make up a small proportion of the overall package. "Hey, South Carolina has a long history of not giving a hoot about people in need. Why should we start now just because president comrade is handing out free money to his homies?" said Sanford.

"Right," added Jindal. "Louisiana is number two in highest poverty rate. You think we're going to get to number one by taking money from Washington?"

"What we would be required to do would be, for the first time, increase the level of benefit for part-time workers." said Barbour. "Since most people work part time no benefit jobs in Mississippi anyway, that would really enlarge the program and when you do that people get to expecting their government to help them out when they're in trouble. Is that the kind of America you want to live in?"

Later, speaking to reporters at a National Governors' Association meeting in Washington, Sanford listed some other monies he did not want, possibly including $42 million for retrofitting state buildings to be more energy efficient. Look, the world's gonna end in three years anyway," Sanford said. "I saw it on the tee vee one night when I was watching wrasslin. Besides, this is South Carolina. The legislators usually just wear wife beaters and come barefoot to work anyway. They're comfortable."

But California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, also a Republican, said on ABC's "This Week" he would gladly take all the money. When told Governor Schwarzenegger was waiting for them in the parking lot after the meeting, Barbour, Sanford and Jindal left by a side door.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think we should get all the blacks to start spying on all these southern "officials" like they used to do in the Civil War. They are their own heroes.
As for Fort Lauderdale, people are already seeing 5,000 lined up trying to soothe the flames from Hell. It's called a "revolt" and before these guys get in front of their cameras with silk ties & suits and $100 hair cuts they had better have their addresses and biographies extremely well-hidden and quite frankly, clam up. Their ignorant and self-fulfilling words throw gas on every fire, and nobody, but nobody wants to come to any of their rescues. Imagine broadcasting your idiocy to tempt fate!

Anonymous said...

I think we should get all the blacks to start spying on all these southern "officials" like they used to do in the Civil War. They are their own heroes.
As for Fort Lauderdale, people are already seeing 5,000 lined up trying to soothe the flames from Hell. It's called a "revolt" and before these guys get in front of their cameras with silk ties & suits and $100 hair cuts they had better have their addresses and biographies extremely well-hidden and quite frankly, clam up. Their ignorant and self-fulfilling words throw gas on every fire, and nobody, but nobody wants to come to any of their rescues. Imagine broadcasting your idiocy to tempt fate!

Anonymous said...

Just to add to the stupidity of these "good ol' boys", one also does not believe Obama is American and was born in Hawaii. Seems no matter how many birth certificates are released, the guy wants his name in play, screaming "Kenya".
Then there is "the other" dope announcing the terminal pancreatic cancer of the judge, with no more than nine months of survival. These guys all have a "death wish" for democrats, plain and simple.(not to mention, intellectuals) And "by God", they'll do anything to bring the House down.
Let's call up that republican Baptist minister who said Katrina happened for a reason. It's "party time"!