Dollars? We Don't Need No Stinking Dollars

OK, last week we ruminated on the number of times a person had to be dropped on his or her head as a child in order to be sufficiently scrambled as to be a state legislator. We think we have an answer: Three times less than the number of times it takes to be a governor.

Republican governors were split over whether to accept all of the money their states stand to receive from a $787 billion economic stimulus plan which President Barack Obama signed last week. "Well, you're talking about helping out the people of Mississippi, or remaining true to the principals I abandoned all during the Bush years," said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. "I'm sure the people of Mississippi understand why it's necessary for them to remain jobless and lose their homes and will support me in this difficult decision. Now, watch this drive."

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and Louisiana's Bobby Jindal have also said they would reject the unemployment funds, which make up a small proportion of the overall package. "Hey, South Carolina has a long history of not giving a hoot about people in need. Why should we start now just because president comrade is handing out free money to his homies?" said Sanford.

"Right," added Jindal. "Louisiana is number two in highest poverty rate. You think we're going to get to number one by taking money from Washington?"

"What we would be required to do would be, for the first time, increase the level of benefit for part-time workers." said Barbour. "Since most people work part time no benefit jobs in Mississippi anyway, that would really enlarge the program and when you do that people get to expecting their government to help them out when they're in trouble. Is that the kind of America you want to live in?"

Later, speaking to reporters at a National Governors' Association meeting in Washington, Sanford listed some other monies he did not want, possibly including $42 million for retrofitting state buildings to be more energy efficient. Look, the world's gonna end in three years anyway," Sanford said. "I saw it on the tee vee one night when I was watching wrasslin. Besides, this is South Carolina. The legislators usually just wear wife beaters and come barefoot to work anyway. They're comfortable."

But California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, also a Republican, said on ABC's "This Week" he would gladly take all the money. When told Governor Schwarzenegger was waiting for them in the parking lot after the meeting, Barbour, Sanford and Jindal left by a side door.