What If We Gave Them A Nice Car Magnet For Their Wheelchair?

OK, we think the pentagon's finally got it figured out. Everybody knows the Army has been having trouble finding people who think losing bodies parts is a good career move, so they've been offering to pay for just about anything you can think of if you'll just join the futility brigade. After all, how much is an arm, or a leg, or two legs worth anyway? We're talking bottom line market value here.

So, that's fine as far as it goes, but the problem is what do you do with those people once you give them the money and they go out and spend it on stuff like, oh we don't know, pants with two legs and shirts with two arms, then they go and get something blown off. Well, ponder no more fellow intact individuals, and members of the yellow elephants corps because your ever vigilant, fiscally responsible, cost effective pentagon has come up with the answer: You make them give the money back.

The U.S. Military is demanding that thousands of wounded service personnel give back signing bonuses because they are unable to serve out their commitments. "We believes that since these people went over to Iraq and got hurt in the first place, they should be responsible for some of their care," said a spokesperson for the pentagon Office of How Stupid Can We Be. Division of Pretty Dang Stupid.

Men and women who have lost arms, legs, eyesight, hearing and can no longer serve are being ordered to pay money back to the military. "It makes sense if you think about it," said an aide to secretary of defense Robert M. Gates. " I mean, if we get that money back from a vet that gets wounded and give it to an enlistee until he or she gets wounded, then get it back from him or her, factor out the people who get killed outright and pretty soon the bonus program is paying for itself. It's high powered financial planning. You wouldn't understand."

Jordan Fox, a young soldier from the South Hills was seriously injured when a roadside bomb blew up his vehicle. He was knocked unconscious. His back was injured and lost all vision in his right eye. He's being asked to return part of his $10,000 signing bonus.

"Hey, he's still got one good eye. He could be a crossing guard or something," said a pentagon representative who asked not to be named.

It's a slap for Fox's mother, Susan Wardezak, who met with President Bush in Pittsburgh last May. He thanked her for starting Operation Pittsburgh Pride which has sent approximately 4,000 care packages. "I should have known something was up when the president told me he thought Santa Claus was the one sending the packages," she said. "I just thought he was drunk."

Congressman Jason Altmire has proposed a bill that would guarantee soldiers receive full benefit of bonuses. "Look, the war is costing us trillions of dollars which we're borrowing, so it's not like real money or anything. What's a few more thousand lousy bucks, huh? Chump change."