Thursday, November 01, 2007

Legislature? Yeah. Had One In Texas Too. Didn't Pay Any Attention To Them Either

OK, so for six years now the president has had to work with Congress, and things have gone along fine as long as no one got in the way of his bipartisanship. Yeah. Like that would happen. What are you, one of those three branches of government weirdos? That's so pre-9/11. Congress was all like, ooh, Mr. president you are just the coolest. Invade a country because you don't like the color of their flag? Weeee! Spend billions of dollars we don't have? Where do we sign? Ignore the the third-strongest hurricane on record? Ah, never liked Cajun food that much anyway. Oh, Mr. president, Mr. president, say y'all for us please, oh please, just one more time. And can you look all steely eyed? We love that.

Things were going along in both a hunky and a dory way. Then along comes one of those, erm whatdyacallit, election thingys and it turns out the only people in the country who think Bush wouldn't lose a debate to Forest Gump are those already in Congress.

Oh, and Condoleeza Rice.

So a bunch of new people come in who apparently didn't see enough cowboy movies when they were kids because they certainly don't have this whole bipartisan thing down. They're all like, OK Mr. president, we're not going to give you everything you want until you say pretty, pretty please.

Well, you can imagine the consternation this causes Bush, who isn't used to even one pretty before a please. Come to think of it, he's not even used to a please. So is it any wonder the president thinks this whole checks and balances thing is a big waste of time?

President Bush lashed out at Congress, the third time he has done so in two weeks, this time saying the House had wasted time on “a constant string of investigations” and the Senate had similarly wasted its efforts by trying to rein in the Iraq war.

"Look," the president told reporters, "I don't know why the Congress is so het up over these investigations. As soon as they convict someone I'm going to pardon them. Maybe before. And as for the war, you see how well that's going."

“Congress is not caving in fast enough so work isn't getting done,” the president said in brief remarks from the North Portico of the White House where he had been found wandering. "And if anybody knows about not getting work done, it's me."

As he spoke, Mr. Bush was flanked by two senior Republicans, Representative John Boehner of Ohio, the minority leader, and Representative Roy Blunt of Missouri, the minority whip. Reporters were treated to a show of the president's abilities as he drank water while Boehner spoke.

Representative Nancy Pelosi responded sharply to the president’s criticisms. “The president calls Congressional oversight that has uncovered tens of billions of dollars in waste, fraud and abuse in Iraq a ‘waste of time.’ We call billions spent in no-bid contracts to Halliburton a waste of money,” she said. "No offense Mr. Cheney sir."

The president again criticized Democrats over the S-CHIP bill, saying the Senate had taken up a second version of the legislation passed by the House “despite knowing it does not have a chance of becoming law. "You have to be at least eighteen to join the army and go to Iraq. Why should I spend good money on kids younger than that? We start coddling kids and the terrorists win,” Bush said.

Mr. Bush was also sharply critical of a reported plan by congressional leaders to combine the Defense Department appropriations bill with bills for domestic departments.“It’s hard to imagine a more cynical political strategy than trying to hold hostage funding for our troops in combat and our wounded warriors in order to extract $11 billion for people who probably wouldn't vote for me anyway,” he said. "And believe me, I know a lot about cynical political strategies."

The president continued his denunciations of Congress, saying its leaders had also failed to cave on Michael Mukasey as attorney general. “This is not what congressional leaders promised when they took control of Congress earlier this year,” he said then. "Well, actually it is because Mukasey cares even less about torture than Gonzales did, but when are the democrats going to realize that just because most people voted for them is no reason not to give me what I want?"

Later the president was overheard telling Representative Roy Blunt that if by some chance the Congress did override his veto of SCHIP he would lock himself in the bathroom and "hold my breath until I pass out."

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