Look, You Need To Forget That I Asked You For Another Six Months Just Six Months Ago

Groundhog Day. That's all you need to know about this.

A Bush administration report to Congress citing a lack of progress by the Baghdad government is "a look at the beginning of the initiation of the first phase of the approach to the on deck area of the back of the starting line's approach zone of the U.S. troop surge, preliminary to the actual surge, which will be just before the surge in earnest which culminates in the mother of all surges. Unless we run out of benchmarks for the Iraqis to miss. Then we start over." a White House spokesman said.

"What Congress will get this week is a snapshot of the beginning of the retooling of the development of the contemplation of the idea of the possibility of a mission in Iraq," said Tony Snowjob. "We're sorry the snapshot is so out of focus, but it's hard to get things in focus...WHEN YOU'RE INSANE!!! HAHAHAHA... Oh. Did I say that last part out loud?"

"Some of the benchmarks have been made, some of them haven't," he said. "Maliki getting through most days without getting shot at? Check. Electricity in Baghdad? Not so much."

Rebuffing reality, president Bush said he won't succumb to the voters. "I'm the knowledge guy," he said. "I know what I'm doing. Now will someone help me tie my shoes. I've lost the instruction sheet." During a visit to Parma Ohio he reiterated that troop levels in Iraq "will be decided by our commanders on the ground, not by political figures in Washington D.C.. Well, except for me, that is, 'cause I'm the commander guy. And the knowledge guy too. I can be both because I'm the decider, just ask Dick."

"I fully understand that this is a difficult war. It's hard on the American people but I will once again explain the consequences of failure,"Snowjob said. "See, when the Supreme Court failed us in 2000, that lead to the appointment of a serial failure to the presidency which coupled with the fact that Congress is a bunch of girly men, except for Hillary lead to the failure of the system of checks and balances that, in the past, had kept fools like our current chief executive from doing too much harm. Sort of a perfect storm of idiots. The rest, as they say is history. Anyone got some Maalox?"

Snowjob said he thought news accounts of the status report on Iraq were too gloomy. "All the media talk about are the people who were killed and wounded. What about the people who escaped? For them it was a very good day, but do we hear their stories? No way. Do they thank us for being there? Nope. Just think what would happen if we never invaded and no bombs were going off in your neighborhood, Mr. ungrateful A Rab. Where would you be then, huh? I'm sorry, what was the question?"

The administration, including Defense Secretary Robert Gates, has stressed a September time frame for a wide-ranging assessment of operational strategy after about 4 1/2 years of battle, and has said such a review would be more appropriate then. When asked why, he responded, "Because September is two months closer to when we get out of here to Paraguay."

One U.S. official said that the July report would push the administration to consider its next move, which will be the same as the last move, but with a different name. "We're thinking Son of Surge, or maybe Surge: Part Deux. Catchy huh?"

Another senior official, however, said that Bush and his advisers had already decided no change in policy was justified as yet because there was not enough evidence from Iraq. Just give us a couple more F.U.'s," the official said.