Surgeon General, Mechanical Contractor. Tomato Tomahto

OK, so we're peeking through some of the internet tubes the other day, hoping to catch Angelina Jolie coming out of the shower and we ran across this:

President Bush's nominee for surgeon general, Dr. James W. Holsinger Jr., wrote a paper in 1991 that purported to make the medical argument that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy.

Our first thought was how come generals get to have their own surgeon? Just another example of the widening gap between the haves and have nots in this country. Then we thought, wait, does this mean the generals are gay?

Now, admittedly our thoughts may have been somewhat jumbled, having just returned from the St. Tropez, Tanqueray, Cod fillet, Spiked OJ, Plug and Play, Come what may, Burning Man executive planning retreat.

So, after a Stoli or three to clear away the cobwebs, we did a little research (Because giving our readers accurate information is what we're all about. Unless it's too much work, but hey Wikipedia can't be wrong about everything and besides even if Conservapedia is more likely to be right because of god being an editor and all, there's something about this entry on the origin of kangaroos that just doesn't sit right with us, especially that part about getting to Australia via jet ski after they got off the ark in Istanbul. We don't remember anything in the bible about passports and visas. )

Where were we? Oh yeah, the Surgeon General. Says here that the Surgeon General is America's chief health educator, giving Americans the best scientific information available on how to improve their health and reduce the risk of illness and injury.

Which explains why the nominee belongs to a church that offers a ministry to "cure" gays of the sexual orientation. Well, sure, but with the "best scientific information available," right Doctor?

Holsinger argued that male and female genitalia are complementary -- so much so "that it has entered our vocabulary in the form of naming pipe fittings either the male fitting or the female fitting depending upon which one interlocks within the other." Body parts used for gay sex are not complementary, he wrote. "When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and diseases may occur."

OK, for those of you without a medical background, allow us to explain. What the doctor is saying is that if we all would relieve service pressure with a tap tee instead of damming the tapway, we could cure cancer in our lifetimes. Or something. We think.

"It is absolutely clear that anatomically and physiologically the alimentary and reproductive systems in humans are separate organ systems, i.e., the human does not have a cloaca," Holsinger said, referring to the posterior orifice that serves as the one opening for genital, urinary and intestinal tracts in amphibians, birds and reptiles.

Hmm...The Surgeon General nominee knows we're different from snakes and birds. Well, it's a start. Looks like Bush has finally gotten the hang of nominating people with some expertise in the job he wants them to do.