Hello. My Name Is Doug And I'll Be Your Scapegoat Today

Never underestimate the desperateness of a desperate man. A while back we told you about the difficulties our Bungler in Chief was having finding a fall guy for Iraq after Rummy left. The posting was on Craigslist and everything. We heard he even put in on Wonkette, thinking that since most people who read that blog are drunk, or stoned, or both it was sure to reach some of his old buddies.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Bupkis. Sound of crickets.

Now that's truly a puzzler. Here's the president offering someone the opportunity to be the face of one of the most egregious miscarriages of policy ever, one of the most tragically unnecessary wastes of resources in modern times, one of the most disingenuous, dishonest, down right criminal applications of government power since, well, ever, and there are no takers.

What to do, what to do...Wait. The president is the commander guy. If he can't find a retired general who's shell shocked enough to take the job, then he can just get an active duty guy and order him to take the job.

It's good to be the president.

Bush this month nominated Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute to become deputy national fall guy on Iraq and Afghanistan, a newly created position intended to reach across agency boundaries and better execute the president's policy on the two wars.

Wait. The president has a policy?

Sure. It's keep flinging people in front of him whenever questions of responsibility come up until his term is over and he escapes to Paraguay.

Wow. Guy sure is a forward looker isn't he?

Yeah. He's got the vision thing.

The general picked by President Bush to become his war patsy said he has serious concerns about the Iraqi government's ability to take control of its country, no matter how many patsys the president finds. "I'm telling you this now, because after you confirm me, I'll be back to tell you how great things are going in Iraq," said Lute.

"How much more time should we give after four years in Iraq?" asked Carl Levin, D-Combover.

"I'd say six months," Lute replied. "Of course I'll say that six months from now and six months from then as well. Truth is, as long as the president's in office and you guys have the gonads of a titmouse, we're never getting out of there."

Last month, Bush signed war spending legislation that -- for the first time in the four-year war -- conditioned U.S. aid for the Iraqis on Baghdad's ability to meet certain milestones. "We figure it's easier to ignore unmet Iraqi milestones than our own," Levin said. "Besides, if the president can make a war czar responsible for his mistakes, we can make the Iraqis responsible for the fact that we haven't got a pair."

Lute said he will work closely with Bush national security adviser Stephen Hadley, who will have a broader portfolio. "Wait a minute," said Levin. You're the czar, right? How can an adviser have a 'broader portfolio' than a czar?"

"Did I say czar" Lute responded. "I meant dupe."

Bush's decision to create the new position raised questions among lawmakers about its necessity and its ability to improve conditions in Iraq. "If those other individuals were properly doing their job, this position wouldn't be necessary," said Senator James Webb, D-I Beat Macaca, referring to other administration officials with purview over Iraq policy.

"Right," Lute replied. "But this setup ensures that none of them will ever have to take any responsibility for being total screw ups."

Ain't that America?