Thursday, November 30, 2006

But They Were Ninja Teddy Bears

OK, we're pretty sure homicidal fantasies in which mistreated and tormented students take bloody revenge on their heartless educorporate masters are about as common today as they were when we used to sneak out behind the bleachers for a biology lesson from Barbara Binder. In fact, we had this particularly anatomically correct reverie that resulted in the total elimination of the math department. It involved automatic weapons, jet aircraft, a bowling ball and Jane Fonda.

Actually, Jane Fonda didn't have anything to do with wiping out the math department, but she figured prominently in all our fantasies back then. Hmmm......................Oh, sorry. Where were we? Yes, offing your educational technician. Well, like we said, this is nothing new or unusual, so we were a little surprised by this.

Four teenagers were expelled from Knightstown High School over a movie, titled "The Teddy Bear Master." The boys, who are sophomores, worked on the teddy bear movie from fall 2005 through summer 2006. In the movie, the "teddy bear master" orders stuffed animals to kill a teacher who had embarrassed him, but students battle the toy beasts. "The thing that concerned us the most is that all the bears were brown," said Principal Jim Diagostino. "You can't tell me there's not a connection to terrorism there somewhere."

In a letter to school board members, the district superintendent said teacher Daniel Clevenger, who teaches seventh grade at Knightstown Intermediate School, felt threatened by the movie. "Now it's true that Mr. Clevenger also feels threatened by clowns and thunder, but that's no reason he should have to spend the rest of the school year locked in his bathroom," the letter concluded.

Indianapolis attorney Robert Kelso, who represents the school district, wrote in a document filed in court that the movie contained vulgar and offensive language, threatened and intimidated a teacher. "They called him Daniel the Spaniel," Kelso wrote. "While it's true he'll never be named one of the 100 most handsome men in the country, he is definitely more of a bulldog than a spaniel."

The Henry County prosecutor's office reviewed the movie but declined to press charges. "I had Daniel Clevenger when I was in seventh grade," a spokesperson for the Prosecutor's Office said, "This was a much less violent fantasy than mine was."

"It's a 14- or 15-year-old boy's idea of humor," said Jackie Suess, an attorney for the ACLU of Indiana, which is representing one of the students. "I'm sorry Daniel Clevenger was upset by it, but anyone who tells people that 'teaching would be a great job if it weren't for students' probably doesn't belong in the classroom in the first place."

Two of the boys are asking a federal judge in Indianapolis to order the students reinstated, arguing that school officials overreacted to a film parody and violated their First Amendment rights. "We're planning a sequel," one of the students said. "We're calling it "The Clown Master Comes To Knightstown Intermediate."

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I Don't Mind Immigrants, As Long As They're Born Here

We will be the first to admit that we don't get out much, but heck, with free delivery from the liquor store for orders over fifty dollars, satellite tee vee and Dominos on the speed dial, what's the point? Still, even we know that there are people in this country put it politely, don't share our skin tone and yet, have the same rights an privileges of citizenship as we do because they you say...born here? Apparently this is all news to Representative Tom Tancredo, (R-Master Race)

Tancredo, the leader of the racist anti-illegal immigration faction in the U.S. House, spent a recent weekend at The Breakers in Palm Beach. "Miami, he told a conservative online news site," has become a Third World country. Criminy sakes, have you seen all the brown people down here? And what's worse, some of them don't speak English."

When asked if he thought that a substantial portion of the citizens of Miami might be natural born citizens who have lived in the city all their lives, Tancredo responded, "Can't be. Too dark."

"You just pick Miami up and move it someplace. You would never know you're in the United States of America. You would certainly say you're in a Third World country,'' Tancredo said. "Of course if you could pick it up and move it someplace you might actually be in a Third World Country, but that's not my point."

The remarks drew an instant rebuke from Miami Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Chica Calente), who called Tancredo a ''Dumb Cracker'' and extended an invitation for him to come and judge the city for himself. "Let him bring his gringo butt down here and say that stuff to my face."

Tancredo, who chairs the bipartisan House Immigration Reform Caucus and championed a fence along the border with Mexico, said in an e-mail sent by his office that his comparison was based on crime statistics he believes "are deeply rooted in the immigration debate. White is right and Brown is down. Sorry Senorita Beaner," the message concluded.

'A recent documentary comparing Miami-Dade County to Baghdad was the kind of responsible journalism I like to see" he wrote, referring to an Australian documentary that compares Miami to Baghdad, "no one can argue that it is not one of America's most brown areas.''

''Moreover, the sheer size and number of ghettos ethnic enclaves devoid of any English and dominated by foreign cultures is widespread,'' Tancredo said in the statement. "Now, if these 'enclaves' were like the Indian reservations, fine, but my understanding is people who live in these 'enclaves' can come and go as they please, and some of them even mingle with the white race.''

Tancredo didn't visit Miami on the Nov. 18-19 trip, but has visited before, a spokesman said. And, if Ros-Lehtinen's invitation includes ''a stay at a five-star beachfront resort, he may be willing to look beyond the inherent dangers that he had cited and visit Miami again,'' his spokesman said. "Just keep us away from the darkies."

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Man, for folks with god on their side the evangelical movement has sure not been getting the breaks. We mean, there's the whole, republican Jesus getting beat like a money changer in the recent elections, and worst of all, no divine intervention for Katherine Harris. But just when you think it can't get any worse, along comes The Reverend Joel Hunter, of Northland, A Church Distributed, in Longwood, Florida who resigned his position in a dispute about conservative philosophy - more than a month before he was to fully assume his post. "I don't care what the salary is," Hunter told reporters, "I'm not about to take a shower with Dobson to prove I don't have Teh Gay."

Hunter said he quit as president-elect of the group founded by evangelist Pat Robertson because he realized he would be unable to broaden the organization's agenda beyond opposing abortion and same-sex marriage. "Pat told me most people just don't get that worked up about the environment and Christians don't really like poor people."

"These are issues that Jesus would want us to care about," Hunter said. "but they pretty much told me, "These issues are fine, but they're not our issues; that's not our base, that's not where the money is.' "

Hunter hoped to revive the group by expanding its agenda to include what he called "compassion issues." He also planned to teach evangelicals how to "vote with their life," or integrate and apply their Christian values to public life.

"That's all well and good," Robertson said, "But who has time for 'compassion' when there's a government to win back. A government full of gay loving baby killers, I might add."

The coalition's rejection of Hunter's approach means it is unwilling to part with its partisan, Republican roots, Hunter said. "To tell you the truth, I feel like there are literally millions of evangelical Christians that don't have a home right now," Hunter said.

"That's ridiculous," Robertson countered. "Our fund raising data base clearly shows that to be a good Christian you need at least a two bedroom ranch, an SUV and...wait, is he talking about poor people again?"

Monday, November 27, 2006

Pope to Study Condoms. First Lesson: They're Not Apartments You Own

OK, how could we pass up an article titled "Pope Commissioned Condom Study Clears First Hurdle?" In the first place, why does the pope need to know about condoms? And second, what are these "hurdles" of which you speak? Could they be of the ribbed or tickler variety? We say no more as this is a family blog, but turn our ear to Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan, head of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for Health Pastoral Care.

"This is something that worries the Pope a lot," the Cardinal told reporter. "Bottom line is, more condoms equals less catholics."

Ah, now we get it. It's an economic issue.

The Catholic Church opposes the use of condoms and teaches that fidelity within heterosexual marriage, chastity and abstinence are the best ways to stop the spread of AIDS. "Well, that and the magic chicken bones." said an aide to the pontiff. "We did a study and the chicken bones were about as effective as abstinence."

Promoting condoms fosters immoral and hedonistic lifestyles and behavior that will only contribute to the spread of AIDS. "Look," Cardinal Barragan said. "If you knew there were no cops around, you'd speed like a demon. If you knew calories didn't count you'd have chocolate cake at every meal. If those spies from the Office of Ecclesiastical Internal Affairs weren't watching your every move, you'd take Sister Mary Margaret up on her offer to come to the convent for a discussion on theology, and maybe a massage. Yes a massage with those long slender fingers kneading you, those milky white arms pressing down on you again and again over and over slowly, then was I? Oh yes, condoms are bad. Is it hot in here?"

"Following the wishes of Benedict, we carried out a careful study on condoms, both from a scientific and moral point of view," Barragan told a news conference. "We found that scientifically they work, and morally we hate that."

The study, which would not be made public, would then be passed on to the Pope, who may use it for his own pronouncement. When asked what the length of the pope's pronouncement might be an aide declined to speculate. "It's not like we share a locker room," he said.

In recent years, several top Church officials have called for a change in Vatican policy on condoms to allow their use by married couples where one partner is affected by HIV or AIDS. But the Vatican has been loath to issue any document that could be interpreted as a green light for the use of condoms to stop the spread of AIDS, fearing it would endorse promiscuity. "Look, we got enough problems trying to get our own guys to keep it in their pants," Barragan said. "We don't need the rest of you going all horn dog on us."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

We're still semi-comatose from yesterday but this still seems a little odd to us.

Sarasota Kennel Club director of racing Tom Bowersox thinks the addition of the One-Eyed Jack's card room will herald a new era for the greyhound racing track. When the track opens Friday for the 2006-07 racing season, Bowersox will work on securing commitments from racing kennels beyond the customary April closing date. Florida law stipulates a parimutuel track must be conducting live racing to offer card games.

So, what's the connection between live racing and card games you ask? Well, excitement surrounding Friday's noon opening is at an all-time high, as patrons who normally wager on greyhound racing and horse racing simulcasts can sample the card craze that has swept the country the past several years.

Yes, that's right. The overlords are trying to lure people away from greyhound racing. Oh, they're a crafty bunch these overlords, huh Tootie?
Tootie takes life in stride. She is so happy to meet visitors, that she’s a little bit jumpy. She enjoys attention and will shadow her foster family around the house and waits for pats. Tootie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Hounds Home For The Holidays

Continuing on in the great tradition we started last year because we were too lazy too write a regular post, we bring you this year's version of Hounds Home for the Holidays in which we attempt to tug at your heartstrings in this time of full contact shopping and encourage you to find a place on your couch for the only dog specifically mentioned in the bible. And so you know greyhounds are Bill O'Rielly War on Christmas approved.

But first a word about casino style gambling at greyhound tracks. The first Las Vegas-style slot machines started spinning at noon as the renovated Gulfstream Park Racing & Casino opened its doors to a new era in South Florida gaming. "This is the culmination of a great effort from many, many people to keep from having to get real jobs," said Gulfstream Park President Paul Micucci.

Broward voters agreed more than a year ago to allow slot machines at pari-mutuel venues and Gulfstream Park is the first of four pari-mutuels to open its slots room. "We really appreciate the voters of Broward not thinking too hard about why we needed slots in the first place," Mucucci told reporters. "And we want people to know that the greyhounds will not become an afterthought now that we have a new way to fleece the rubes because, well, heck, the greyhounds were always an afterthought, it was those two dollar bets we were concerned with."

Gulfstream has 516 slot machines and eventually will have 1,500, the maximum number allowed by state law. "Now people who wouldn't come near a greyhound track can come out for some good wholesome family entertainment," Mucucci said.

When asked how he thought the slots would affect greyhound racing at the track which has experienced a drastic decline and would have closed were it not for the income generated by slots, Mucucci said he was sure that "they'll find some use for the dogs. I hear there's a guy in Arizona that takes the dogs once they can't make money and finds homes for them."

Looks like you got out just in time, huh Chance?

Chance is very laid back and mellow. He is also affectionate and loving and will approach for pets. He is a happy boy who greets the family with a wagging tail. He is a greyhound “collector” and has collected dirty socks around the house! He likes to toss his toys up in the air to play by himself, but stops when he knows he’s being watched. Chance would do well in a working family home with well mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

PS: Yes, we realized after we posted yesterday's entry that the headline should have read Jenna and Barbara. Must redo our to do list. Blog first, Stoli second.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Will Jenna And Barbara Join The National Guard Like Dad?

Hey, wait a minute. We thought electing the democrats would be a good thing. Now we read that they want to bring back the draft. Even the republicans were smart enough to know re-VietNaming the country would be...well...let's just say politically inexpedient.

Let's see: Two Four Six Eight, We Don't Want No Watergate.

No, that's not it. Um...One Three Five Seven, No...

One Two Three Four something something and the war.

OK, we'll work on that. After all, it's been forty years. Anyway in the mean time the incoming democratic chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee said that he will push to renew the military draft. "I will be introducing that bill as soon as we start the new session," Representative Charles Rangel (D-4F) said. "There's no question in my mind that this president and this administration would never have invaded Iraq, if we had a draft and members of Congress and the administration thought that their kids would be placed in harm's way."

Wait. You mean they're only going to draft politicians' kids? Now there's a draft we can get behind. Now, don't get us wrong. We're as patriotic as the next guy, if the next guy is an islamofascistcommie ninja warrior godless heathen, but the idea of letting the people that started the war furnish the kind of appeals to us.

Gives a whole new meaning to pay as you go war.

Rangel has drawn modest support for his draft proposal in recent years and it has been unclear whether its prospects might improve in the 110th Congress. "We're trying to find out how many have military age kids right now," and aide to Rangel said.

Senator John McCain (R-Say Anything) said that it is immoral to keep troops fighting merely to "delay our defeat for a few months or a year. Let's send a whole bunch more over there and really delay our defeat."

Senator Harry Reid (D-Payback Time) who will be the Senate majority leader, agrees that the U.S. military is stretched too thin and that "the burden of meeting the nation's security has not been shared equally by all segments of our society," said Reid spokesman Jim Manley. But Reid "believes that these problems are best addressed by making needed adjustments in the all-volunteer force," Manley said.

Asked what 'adjustments' need to be made to increase volunteers, Manley said, "Simple. Everybody who turns 18 automatically volunteers."

Lawmakers are anxiously awaiting recommendations next month from the Iraq Study Group, co-chaired by former secretary of state James A. Baker III and former representative Lee H. Hamilton (D-Iizzy.). If the group does not advocate sending more troops to Iraq, McCain said, he would support a troop withdrawal. "I'll support anything that will get me elected president," he said. "After all, I'm the straight talker and I'm telling you straight up I want to be president so bad I'd French kiss Henry Kissinger if it got me his support."

Later an representative of Senator McCain's office said his remarks had been taken out of context. "Senator McCain was for the war, before he was against it," the representative told reporters.

Senator Carl Levin (D-Comb Over) said, "We must tell the Iraqis that we would begin, starting in four to six months, a phased reduction of our troops," Levin said. "Otherwise they're going to think we actually give a crap what happens to them after we blew up their country."

Senator John Kerry (D-Eadmanrunning.) said that he is considering another presidential bid in 2008 despite widespread criticism of what he called "a botched joke" that some received as denigrating troops in Iraq. "I've been working on my schtick." he told reporters. "Hey, did you hear the one about the Black priest, the blind Rabbi and the farmer's daughter?"

When asked for his position on the potential draft, Kerry said he did not agree with Senator McCain. "I want to be president so bad I'd French kiss Henry Kissinger's dog if it got me his support. Thank you. I'm here all week."

Hey, You have a father or mother in politics?. Check this out.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, you have to hand it to the overlords. They know a business opportunity when they see one and they're not about to let anyone get in their way when it comes to fleecing the rubes. See, about three years ago the greyhound track in Waterloo, Iowa closed because...well becuase no one came there.

Now the overlords want to open it again. "We figure three years is long enough to forget you don't really like greyhound racing," said Ken Nelson, an attorney representing the overlords. Nelson took the Iowa State Racing and Gaming Commission to court after the commission denied a dog track license last year.

Jeff Peterzalek of the Iowa Attorney General's Office, which is representing the Iowa State Racing and Gaming Commission, asked the court to affirm the commission's decision. "Look, these guys lost their shirt last time, and the Racing and Gaming Commission did too, because we had all the costs of oversite, but no money came from the track because only three people went there and one of them is dead now."

Attorney Dave Nagle, who is representing a group of investors interested in reopening the track, also made arguments in support of the overlords. "I've got a bunch of people with more money than brains that think there are enough two dollar bets in the area to put them on easy street for the rest of their lives," he said. "Now, it's true I make them pay me up front because once they get into this their money is history, but in the mean time, I say let's all ride the gravy train until it stops."

More money than brains. Don't hear that as a way of describing the overlords much huh, Cowboy? The money part we mean.

Dirty Dare AKA Cowboy is a very sweet, happy, mellow boy. He is affectionate and shadows his foster family around the house. He likes to look at himself in the mirror. He also likes to play with his toys throwing them up in the air by himself! Cowboy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 9 and up. He is good as an only dog, and would probably do well with other medium to larger size dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Does She At Least Get A Parking Pass?

You think your job is futile? Check this out.

Representative Shelley Sekula Gibbs skipped freshman orientation, but the new lawmaker had a good excuse: She's in a class by herself. The Texas Republican will be gone by the time the new 110th Congress is sworn in January 3. She won a special election to fill out the remaining term of former House majority leader Tom DeLay. "I figure I can get to one, maybe two fundraisers," she said. "And maybe a golf outing or two. What's the cab fare to K street?"

For her seven weeks on the congressional payroll, she'll earn more than $22,000. "Well, that is if you don't count," said an aide.

Sekula Gibbs isn't planning to find more permanent housing in the Washington area than the hotel she's in. "Hey, they got the great room service," she said. "Besides I have a tradition to uphold.

Sekula Gibbs, wearing a congressional pin on her red suit, greeted a few well-wishers, Texas lawmakers and at least one lobbyist one floor down in DeLay's old office. "Well, the lobbyist was here when I came in," she told reporters. "His office is right next door."

"I'm looking forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting to work," Sekula Gibbs said. "I have a short time to get my piece of the corporate mean do a big job for the people of my district, you know, the ones who didn't elect me. They're my chief concern."

The congresswoman cast three votes on the House floor, including a "yea" for a bill on normalizing trade with Vietnam that failed. When asked when she had time to study the proposals she had voted on she replied, "Voted? Is that what I did? I thought it was bingo or something. You know, an ice breaker for all the new people."

Chris Bowlin, a lobbyist for the American Medical Association, stopped by to welcome Sekula Gibbs. "We're thrilled to have her," he said. "Well, I don't mean we 'have' her. At least not yet."

Representative Kevin Brady, R-non-indicted, said Sekula Gibbs "can demonstrate her philosophy" by building a voting record, even a short one, to challenge democrat Nick Lampson who won the election in 2008. "But truth be told, she was just a sop we had to throw on the ticket because Tom screwed the pooch with the timing of his resignation," Brady said. "By the time 2008 rolls around I'm sure Tom will have found someone to run who more closely represents voters of his district."

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

What Do You Mean You Couldn't Finish Your Homework Because You Had To Take Your Nap?

Well, it's about time we got some accountability into our educational system. It's been satisfied too long with turning out students We've long felt (since right after we were paroled from the educorporate training centers) that kids have been getting away kids for too long. Time to grow up Billy and Betty and don't give me any of that happy face, Sesame Street, let's learn our numbers nonsense either. This is real school, punk.

Kindergartners in Mobile County's public schools may not yet know all of their ABC's, but now the students are required to receive actual letter grades in every subject almost weekly. "They were just enjoying themselves too much," school system officials said. "I mean you'd walk by those classrooms and there'd be reading circles and learning games and all sorts of things going on. That's not school. Heck, most of the kids weren't even in their seats."

Vivian Schultz, who has been teaching kindergarten for 24 years and has some concerns with the new grading policy. Schultz and some other kindergarten teachers have voiced frustration over the new requirements, pointing out that these same kids are just now learning to sit still during class and to tie their shoes.

"Right. Which is why we're grading it," responded Delbert Dingman, assistant superintendent for educational adultification, standardization and marginalization. "Lord knows kids won't do it if it's just fun. There has to be a grade attached so kids who aren't as good can learn that early on and start planning their career at Walmart."

Because teachers must often post the grades online, parents are able to keep up with how well their children are performing. "I know my kid pees his pants when he gets excited at home," said one parent. "Do I really need to know he does that in school too. And only gets a C- for it?"

Mobile County Public School System officials said they derived the new rules for grading kindergartners from the torture policy adopted by the Bush administration. "We just want kids to learn early on that life sucks and then you die," said one school board member. "Heck, my childhood was one big trauma. Why should theirs be any different."

Students now must take a test or receive some kind of other major grade almost weekly in five key subjects: reading, language, math, science and social studies. "It's pretty tough on the kids who can't read yet," said Dingman. "But that's what grades are supposed to show."

Monday, November 13, 2006

Daddy Never Lets Me Do Anything By Myself

Ah, nothing like a little eat your own post election house cleaning is there? Rummy, hit the road. Rovester, don't buy anything on time. Dicky boy, that ticker's acting up on you is it? Maybe a nice long rest in, say Outtasightistan is the thing for you. And even the old head master hasn't gotten off completely unscathed.

President Bush met with a bipartisan group because his daddy made him seek consensus on a new approach for the war in Iraq amid widespread agreement that the administration's current efforts have not worked well enough or fast enough.

Ya think?

White House press secretary Tony Snowjob described the meeting as a conversation, except the part where Bush had to shut up and listen. "This is not a deposition," Snowjob said. "That'll come later, right before the president flees to Paraguay."

"The president looks forward to sharing his thoughts with the Iraq Study Group," said Gordon Johndroe, spokesman for the National Security Council, on Sunday. "We figure that'll take about two minutes, unless someone distracts him with a shiny object. Then all bets are off."

Bush talked in the Oval Office with members of the Iraq Study Group, headed by people who have an actual connection to the real world. "I look forward to hearing the perspectives of people from the Study Group," he told reporters. "Of course I"ll be heavily medicated at the time, so I"m not sure how much I'll remember."

The study group was spending the day at the White House speaking with members of Bush's national security team. "We'll spend most of the day helping them get their passports and resumes in order," said an aide to Iraq Study Group, head, former Secretary of State James A. Baker. "But if they ask us we'll explain why when you start a war you're supposed to win it."

Meanwhile, General John Abizaid, head of the U.S. Central Command, met with the Iraqi prime minister to "reaffirm President Bush's commitment" to success in Iraq, the government said. "And by 'success' I mean Thursday," Abiziad added.

The study group, which is co-chaired by former Democratic Rep. Lee Hamilton of Indiana, was to meet not only with Bush, but also with Vice President Dick Cheney and National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley. "They've all gone on a field trip to the zoo," said a spokesperson for vice president Cheney. "So we'll reschedule sometime after hell freezes over."

Talks were set separately with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, National Intelligence Director John Negroponte and CIA Director Michael Hayden. "Yeah. Like I'm going to give a rat's patootie about their ideas now," Rumsfeld said. "Besides, Monday is Condi's shopping day."

"We clearly need a fresh approach," said Josh Bolten, Bush's chief of staff, making the rounds of morning talk shows. "Boy, these guys really pick up on the little nuances, don't they?" asked Senator Carl Levin incoming chairman of the Armed Services Committee.

Baker has indicated the recommendations will fall somewhere between the troop withdrawal strategy that Republicans like to say Democrats favor and the stay the course policy until recently used by Bush and widely ridiculed by Democrats. "We're really hoping for the success of our negotiations with the Pleiadians," he said. "If we can get our hands on their freeze ray technology, we're golden."

Friday, November 10, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Great Googley Moogley what a week, huh? The left wing of the Corporate party takes over from the right wing of the Corporate party, the president lies to us and it's not even news, and Britney dumps...uh...dumps...that guy...what was his name again?

It's a wonder the world can still turn.

Truth be told though, this week has about Stoli'd us out, so rather than dig around to see what the overlords have been up to, we decided to pay another visit to those Lex Luthers of crime down in Mobile and see how their little scheme to bilk the rubes out of enough money to buy a house that doesn't have wheels is going.

Michael Dangelo Varner, was arrested on a warrant issued last month, charging him with transmitting racing information for illegal gambling purposes in connection with race-fixing at Mobile Greyhound Park, authorities said. Varner, 26, was being held at Mobile County Metro Jail in lieu of $5,000 bail.

Apparently it's not turning out as well as they'd hoped. But did they get the whole gang, or are there still criminal masterminds loose?

Varner -- along with 12 other people, including three racetrack employees -- was charged in connection with the alleged race-fixing, according to a news release from the Mobile County District Attorney's Office.

Ouch, but the plot was so well thought out, so meticulously planned, so expertly carried out. What could have possibly gone wrong?

The news release said, "Suspicious betting patterns and noticeably poor performance by the drugged greyhounds alerted racing authorities."

Curses! Foiled by "suspicious betting patterns!" If only they could have done it without betting!

Well, under Alabama law, transmitting racing information for illegal gambling purposes is a Class C felony, punishable by a year and a day to 10 years in prison, so they'll have plenty of time to plan their next caper. Maybe something along the lines of seaside property in Arizona, eh Hammertime?

Hammertime is very laid back, confident, and calm. He is very affectionate and loves attention from everyone. He will approach and put his head on your lap or in your hand. He will lay on his back with his feet in the air in the greyhound “cockroach” position. Hammer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He would need a home that has another dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Election Is Dead. Long Live The Election

Democratic Governor Tom Vilsack of Iowa took the initial step in his long-shot bid for the White House Thursday, establishing a presidential campaign committee and seeking an early jump on 2008.


"Americans sent a clear message on Tuesday. They want leaders who will take this country in a new direction," Vilsack, Iowa's two-term governor, said in a statement. "And I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Iowa fer chrissakes. I mean, how many different kinds of corn can you look at before you go completely howl at the moon bonkers?"

Although the favorite son in the early voting state, the Democratic governor has trailed the other potential candidates in early polling. "Wait, You mean there are other people running for president too?" Vilsak asked reporters. "Dang. I have got to get out more often."

Vilsack is the first Democrat to make a formal declaration for the presidency. Likewise, Representative Duncan Hunter of California is the only announced candidate on the Republican side. "I believe this country needs more war," Hunter told supporters at his announcement rally. "And I'm just the man to bring it to them. Besides, I think I'm the only Republican who'll be out of jail in 2008."

Vilsack said he will also announce his candidacy in New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Nevada and South Carolina. "Those are the only states I know how to get to right now," Vilsack said. "But my wife bought a map the other day, so we should be able to get to the rest of the states by primary season."

Vilsack said in his statement that he plans a "Gala Celebration of American Community" on December 2 in Des Moines as his initial fundraising event. "We figure to take in two, three hundred dollars in Des Moines," an aide to Vilsack said. "Then its off to Ottumwa for the really big bucks."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Come In To My Parlor, Said The Spider to The Fly

So, after six years of calling the democrats cowards, idiots, and terrorist loving retards the president is now happy to engage in a little bipartisanship now that they opened up a can a whupass on him.

Yeah. We believe that.

Bush woke up to a new balance of power in Washington, picked up the phone and invited House speaker-in-waiting Nancy Pelosi to go hunting with vice president Cheney. "They had a very good conversation. He congratulated her on their wins," deputy White House press secretary Dana Perino said. "Then he went in the bathroom and he's been there ever since."

Bush also called a handful of other lawmakers and invited Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois, the No. 2 Senate Democrat, to take a flying leap off a rolling donut. "The president is such a kidder," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "We know the democrats are going to realize the last six years were all in good fun, and those investigations and inquiries aren't really necessary."

Recently, Bush dismissed the possibility that Pelosi could become speaker of the House, saying in an interview "That's not going to happen." He set a more conciliatory tone in his call to Pelosi. "I told her I'm drunk or high most of the time," Bush said. "She said she had suspected that for a long time."

Before calling Pelosi, Bush called House Speaker Dennis Hastert. "I asked him if he had resumes out," Bush told reporters. "He said he was looking into becoming the executive director of the Boy Scouts."

Bush also tried to call retiring Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist; Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell the No. 2 Republican leader in the Senate; House Majority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio; House Majority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo. but they had already left for Paraguay.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

You Ain't Straight Until Inspector 12 Says You're Straight

Oh, yeah. This is a good idea.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson will be one of the people overseeing counseling for the Reverend Ted Haggard, the evangelical pastor who was fired amid allegations of gay sex and drug use, a senior official of Dobson's organization said. "We're all concerned that the Reverend Haggard has caught Teh Gay," said a spokesman for Focus on the Family. "But we're sure a few showers with Dr. Dobson will set him straight. No pun intended."

The counseling process, called restoration, could take years, said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy. "Our first job is to get him out of his contract with Ask A Gay Man."

Haggard was forced out as senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs on Saturday after a former male escort alleged they had sex repeatedly and that Haggard sometimes was on methamphetamines during their trysts. "Man, you should have heard him run through the commandments when he was speeding," the male prostitute said. "I think he may have added a couple like Thou Shalt Not bogart the pipe and Thou Shalt have a ready supply of KY, but mostly he stuck to the script."

Dobson will join pastor Jack Hayford of The Church on the Way in Van Nuys, Calif. and the pastor Tommy Barnett of First Assembly of God in Phoenix in overseeing Haggard, according to a letter from Haggard. "We're going to start off with Deja Vu," Hayford said. "Then a weekend of watching football followed by a monster truck pull. After that we'll make an initial evaluation of his condition."

"Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage and my family," Haggard wrote. "And if that doesn't work they plan to beat Teh Gay out of me."

Monday, November 06, 2006

You Think Jesus Would Fly Coach? Why Should I?

Well, it looks like Cheney is going to let us have an election (just be careful how you vote, or you could be an enemy combatant) so we'd like to offer our advice to those of you seeking wise guidance, deep analysis and measured judgment:

Don't come here looking for wise guidance, deep analysis and measured judgment, we like this guy.

Voters should oust congressional republican leaders because U.S. foreign policy is delaying the second coming of Jesus Christ, according to Houston-based preacher K.A. Paul. "Jesus has his bags packed and he's waiting on the glory train," Paul said. "But republicans won't let it out of the station."

The preacher said he believes that the Bush administration has delayed the second coming because U.S. foreign policy has blocked Christian missionaries from further destabilising Iraq, Iran and Syria. "While I'm encouraged by what the republicans were able to do in Iraq," he said. "It's not enough. We need to bring the same sort of evangelicalism to the whole middle east. Jesus is counting on us to kick Allah's butt."

At just over 5 feet tall, the charismatic man in a beige three-piece suit trimmed with sparkles is the latest - and perhaps the most flamboyant - voice in the debate this fall over religion and politics.

Trimmed in sparkles? OK, maybe we need to rethink...ah, what the heck, can't be any worse than Haggard.

Paul, who claimed to support conservative political leaders in the past, is launching "a crusade to save America from the wrath of God and republicans abusing their power," according to his press materials. Well, not the republicans so much since they're bankrolling the pastor," an aide told reporters, "But I got to tell you God ain't so happy with the homos, at least the ones that aren't staying in the closet where they belong."

"God is mad at this country," Paul told the congregation. He described the war in Iraq as "unnecessary genocide. It's unnecessary because they're all killing one another to prove who the better Muslim is when they should be dying for Christ," Paul said. "God isn't going to put up with such a waste of potential believers much longer."

Paul runs a group called Global Peace Initiative, based in Houston, and a ministry outgrowth called Gospel to the Unwashed Millions. Critics accuse the group of sinking cash into refurbishing and operating a Boeing 747 he calls Global Peace One. "Hey, when there is sin on the Riviera, we need to be there," said an aide. "If there's blasphemy on the Cote' del Sol we can't wait for the regular airlines, and when VooDoo makes a comeback in the Caribbean--which seems to happen every winter--we drop everything and go."

It's unclear how far this tour will go. Paul on Sunday didn't have a firm list of the cities he'll visit before Nov. 7. "Isn't Fiji having an election too?" and aide asked.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

OK look, there are a lot of things it takes to be an overlord, but teeth and math skills aren't among them. Just ask Richard Favreau.

A Colorado dog handler says he's not to blame for dozens of missing greyhounds. Tucson greyhound park paid him to find new homes for nearly two hundred retired racing dogs but a greyhound rescue group says it can only account for eight of the dogs. "Eight, 200, tomato tomahto," Favreau said. "What am I a bank or something? I can barely count past 20."

The Arizona Department of Racing slapped Favreau with a thousand dollar fine and suspended his racing license for two months for violating record keeping and welfare regulations. "How was I supposed to know you were supposed to keep track of the units," Favreau asked reporters. "I mean they were done racing. They weren't gonna make any more money for anyone."

Just as greyhounds race in circles around a track so do the accusations against Favreau. He's at the center of an investigation into the well-being of at least 150 dogs, "it's really frustrating, because it's a bunch of allegations that aren't true," he said from his home in Colorado. "At least I don't think they're true. Truth be told I tend to drink a little. sometimes I wake up in cities and I don't remember how I got there."

Some speculate Favreau sold the dogs to a research lab, "I do only because he's done it before," says Karyn Zoldan a member of Arizona Greyhound Rescue. She's referring to a July 1998 incident when the Colorado Racing Commission suspended Favreau's license for giving greyhounds to Colorado State University without the knowledge of the registered owners.

When asked how Favreau could be given dogs if his license was suspended Zoldan replied that it had only been suspended for a short period of time. "It's not like I did anything wrong," Favreau said. "Well, OK I did do something wrong, but nobody really cares, so a slap on the wrist and I'm back in business."

Yeah. Well, there are a few of us who might disagree with that, right Illusion?

Illusion is very affectionate. She loves to be loved. She is very friendly. She is recovering from a broken leg and has a cast which should be removed mid-November. When she relieves herself, she gets excited and turns in circles as if she is ready to play – she is walked on lead to relieve, while her leg heals. She is very playful and enjoys playing with toys in the home. She is a “nester” and likes to bunch up her bedding blankets. She follows her foster mom around the house. Illusion would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog with a family that will play with her regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

PS: I 'd like to step out of character here and just say something about this. I make fun of the owners and breeders because that's the only way I can get my mind around the unspeakable cruelty, inhumane disregard and cold calculation with which the dogs are treated. Truth of the matter is, these dogs are probably dead. If they're lucky they've been sold to research and through the efforts of people like Susan Netboy of the Greyhound Protection League a few will be rescued. Having worked in greyhound rescue for over ten years now though, while I hope for a good outcome, experience has taught me to expect the worst. The people who make their living off the backs of these wonderful dogs and then toss them away like yesterday's news deserve their own spot in one of the deepest corners of hell.

PPS: Let's end on a happy note though, and do two hounds this week. Whadya say Dream?

Dream is like a puppy, very active and playful. She is confident, full of energy and curiosity and enjoys playing with toys. She loves the male greyhound in the home. Dream is determined to have furniture privileges, no matter how hard her foster mom tries to deter her. She has a real pretty face and is a character. Dream would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. She would probably be okay as an only dog, because she has a lot of confidence. She would do well with other dogs, as long as they allow her to be in charge. She has a lot of energy for a greyhound and needs a family that will play with her and exercise her regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Yeah, But Could Picasso Handle An M-16?

Now, we enjoy a good metaphor as much as the next person. Often we have retreated to the abstract to camouflage an inherent scarcity of fact our positions. We find obfuscation with a poetic twist often confuses people as to whether we are incredibly erudite, or full of what our sainted mother used to call "bull's nasty." In any event the ensuing hesitation by our interlocutor gives us time to effect a hasty withdrawal.

And speaking of withdrawal, we're pretty sure this attempt at metaphorical abstraction has more in common with the epithet coined by our mater familias than with an attempt to clothe the truth in a gown of art.

A senior U.S. general compared to a "work of art" in progress, saying it was too soon to judge the outcome and playing down violence and friction with Iraqi leaders as "speed bumps" on the road. "well, speed bumps, or roadside bombs, but that's tomato tomahto," said Major General William Caldwell, chief military spokesman. "We're thinking the whole thing is similar to, say Pollock or Munch.

"Every great work of art goes through messy phases while it is in transition," Caldwell said. "Of course artists don't usually get blown up while they're making a painting, the cities they work in don't become battlegrounds and refugees don't stream out of the artist's studio, buy hey, no metaphor is perfect."

Rising U.S. casualties and spiraling sectarian violence and insurgent attacks that kill hundreds of Iraqi civilians every week have sparked heated debate in the United States over whether Iraq is descending into civil war. "Look, every artist has to decide whether burnt umber or harvest sunset is the best representation of their idea. Conflict is a part of art, that's all I'm saying," Caldwell told reporters.

Last week Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki blamed the U.S.-led forces for poor security and aides said he was angered by perceived pressure from Washington to accept U.S. "time lines" for progress that would allow U.S. troops to leave.

"Well, artists have their critics," Caldwell said. "I mean, look what people say about that guy that does the paintings of Elvis on velvet. I really like that stuff, by the way. Of course I don't know much about art. But I know what I like."

Rising U.S. casualties and spiraling sectarian violence and insurgent attacks that kill hundreds of Iraqi civilians every week have sparked heated debate in the United States over whether Iraq is descending into civil war. "Well, sure," Caldwell explained. "Iraq is like when someone walks up to a Fielding and says 'What the heck is that?' Then someone else comes along and says, "Oh that's Broken Dreams.' Then it all makes sense."

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Well, In His Defense, The Underpants Did Come From Victoria's Secret

It's not often we find ourselves in agreement with The Man. OK, truth be told we don't even know who The Man is, but we have to admit that Long Beach High School Principal Nicholas Restivo, who may or may not be The Man, did the right thing, even if it was for the wrong reason.

Captain Underpants has battled talking toilets and Professor Poopypants, but he was no match for a high school principal who banned students from dressing up as the children's book character on the school's Superhero Day. "Look, I have enough trouble around here with Biker Trash Day and Pirate and the Librarian Day. I don't need this kind of grief," Restivo said.

Three 17-year-old girls wore beige leotards and nude stockings under white briefs and red capes. "Yes, I know they weren't naked," Restivo said. "But I didn't know that at first and I almost killed myself getting down there to...uh...check out...I, yes, assess the situation."

Chelsea Horowitz, one of the dressed-up girls, had a problem with that logic. "They're not see-through or anything," said Horowitz, an honor student and softball player. "All the teachers thought it was cute, especially Mr. Dillard. He just kept taking pictures until his flash burned out."

But Restivo decreed that no underpants would be visible in his hallways. "Sure we find them in the back of the school buses, and occasionally in the library, but nobody is wearing those, so technically that doesn't count."

Yes, well his diligence is to be commended, but our concern is not with the potential disruption caused by a few, shall we say students dressed contra fashion, but more with the fact that this is election season, and you never know when there's going to be a republican in the neighborhood. We hear they can sense ripples in the ether caused by the emergence of secondary sex characteristics.