You Ain't Straight Until Inspector 12 Says You're Straight

Oh, yeah. This is a good idea.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson will be one of the people overseeing counseling for the Reverend Ted Haggard, the evangelical pastor who was fired amid allegations of gay sex and drug use, a senior official of Dobson's organization said. "We're all concerned that the Reverend Haggard has caught Teh Gay," said a spokesman for Focus on the Family. "But we're sure a few showers with Dr. Dobson will set him straight. No pun intended."

The counseling process, called restoration, could take years, said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy. "Our first job is to get him out of his contract with Ask A Gay Man."

Haggard was forced out as senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs on Saturday after a former male escort alleged they had sex repeatedly and that Haggard sometimes was on methamphetamines during their trysts. "Man, you should have heard him run through the commandments when he was speeding," the male prostitute said. "I think he may have added a couple like Thou Shalt Not bogart the pipe and Thou Shalt have a ready supply of KY, but mostly he stuck to the script."

Dobson will join pastor Jack Hayford of The Church on the Way in Van Nuys, Calif. and the pastor Tommy Barnett of First Assembly of God in Phoenix in overseeing Haggard, according to a letter from Haggard. "We're going to start off with Deja Vu," Hayford said. "Then a weekend of watching football followed by a monster truck pull. After that we'll make an initial evaluation of his condition."

"Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage and my family," Haggard wrote. "And if that doesn't work they plan to beat Teh Gay out of me."