Monday, November 06, 2006

You Think Jesus Would Fly Coach? Why Should I?

Well, it looks like Cheney is going to let us have an election (just be careful how you vote, or you could be an enemy combatant) so we'd like to offer our advice to those of you seeking wise guidance, deep analysis and measured judgment:

Don't come here looking for wise guidance, deep analysis and measured judgment, we like this guy.

Voters should oust congressional republican leaders because U.S. foreign policy is delaying the second coming of Jesus Christ, according to Houston-based preacher K.A. Paul. "Jesus has his bags packed and he's waiting on the glory train," Paul said. "But republicans won't let it out of the station."

The preacher said he believes that the Bush administration has delayed the second coming because U.S. foreign policy has blocked Christian missionaries from further destabilising Iraq, Iran and Syria. "While I'm encouraged by what the republicans were able to do in Iraq," he said. "It's not enough. We need to bring the same sort of evangelicalism to the whole middle east. Jesus is counting on us to kick Allah's butt."

At just over 5 feet tall, the charismatic man in a beige three-piece suit trimmed with sparkles is the latest - and perhaps the most flamboyant - voice in the debate this fall over religion and politics.

Trimmed in sparkles? OK, maybe we need to rethink...ah, what the heck, can't be any worse than Haggard.

Paul, who claimed to support conservative political leaders in the past, is launching "a crusade to save America from the wrath of God and republicans abusing their power," according to his press materials. Well, not the republicans so much since they're bankrolling the pastor," an aide told reporters, "But I got to tell you God ain't so happy with the homos, at least the ones that aren't staying in the closet where they belong."

"God is mad at this country," Paul told the congregation. He described the war in Iraq as "unnecessary genocide. It's unnecessary because they're all killing one another to prove who the better Muslim is when they should be dying for Christ," Paul said. "God isn't going to put up with such a waste of potential believers much longer."

Paul runs a group called Global Peace Initiative, based in Houston, and a ministry outgrowth called Gospel to the Unwashed Millions. Critics accuse the group of sinking cash into refurbishing and operating a Boeing 747 he calls Global Peace One. "Hey, when there is sin on the Riviera, we need to be there," said an aide. "If there's blasphemy on the Cote' del Sol we can't wait for the regular airlines, and when VooDoo makes a comeback in the Caribbean--which seems to happen every winter--we drop everything and go."

It's unclear how far this tour will go. Paul on Sunday didn't have a firm list of the cities he'll visit before Nov. 7. "Isn't Fiji having an election too?" and aide asked.

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