Meet The New Plan. Same As The Old Plan

Hey, say what you will about our president, the man can take a hint. First the whole world hates him, then country hates him, then the election throws his party out of office, then his own party hates him. "Is there a problem," says he? "Why didn't you just say so?

With over 2,900 U.S. troops killed in Iraq, dissatisfaction with the president's handling of the war is at an all-time high. Democrats take control of Congress on Jan. 4 because of midterm elections that turned in large part on that issue. "The president is in meetings with advisers from all relevant areas," said a White House spokesperson. "We figure within a week or two we should have a way to blame this on Clinton."

President Bush wrapped up consultations with leaders of various political factions amid separate talks with top-ranking U.S. military officers. "I learned a lot not listening to these people I didn't listen to four years ago," Bush said. "They're a bunch of them there, what dya callit...experts and stuff. I really impressed them when I did one of my old Yale cheers."

Bush was also scheduled to visit the Pentagon to hold discussions with senior officials there. "I like going over there," he told aides. "Everybody wears uniforms and calls me 'sir.' They like my cheers too."

In discussions with field commanders, Bush heard General John Abizaid, top U.S. commander in the Middle East, and General George Casey, the top general in Iraq, ask the administration to pour increased funding into more armored vehicles, body armor and other critical equipment for the Iraqis. "They told me that if we were going to give what's left of the country back to the Iraqis, we had to give them guns and stuff so they could kill each other better and give us time to sneak out while no one was looking," Bush said.

Abizaid has told the Senate Armed Services Committee that troop levels in Iraq need to stay fairly stable and the use of military adviser teams expanded. About 140,000 U.S. troops and about 5,000 advisers are in Iraq. "We figure if we expand the 'advisers' to about two or three hundred thousand, and equip them with all the tanks and cannons and bombs and stuff they need for 'training purposes' we should be able to wrap this thing up in about half the time it took us to screw the pooch in Viet Nam. But probably with about the same number of casualties."

Iraqi leaders, meanwhile, presented Bush with a plan for their troops to assume primary responsibility for security in Baghdad early next year and that U.S. troops be shifted to the capital's periphery. "We feel we are capable of failing to stop bombings, revenge killings, ethnic cleansing and outright criminality as well as the Americans have been unable to stop them," said Iraqi President Jalal Talabani.

Bush's discussions across Iraq's ethnic and religious lines come as major partners in the country's governing coalition are in behind-the-scenes talks to form a new parliamentary bloc. There is discontent in Iraq and within the Bush administration over Prime Minister al-Maliki's failure to rein in Shiite militias and quell raging violence. "We got 140,000 combat troops in there and they can't touch the violence," said an unnamed White House aide. "So we get al-Maliki elected and he's like even more ineffective than our troops. What a 'tard."

The White House has tried to maintain distance from the political storm brewing inside Iraq, also from the storm of violence sweeping the country, the storm of lawlessness, and even the thunder storm over west Bagdhad last Tuesday. "You can't blame the weather on us," White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob told reporters.

Bush's latest attempt to find a clue came in the wake of last week's blistering review in the Iraq Study Group report. The panel recommended that Bush be given a battery of psychological and intelligence tests by early 2008. It also called for an energetic effort to seek a diplomatic solution to Iraq's violence by engaging its neighbors, including Iran and Syria.

Bush has been cool to both ideas. "And that's probably the only time you will ever hear the words 'Bush' and 'cool' in the same sentence, "Snowjob said.

Explaining the delay in unveiling his own new war blueprint, Snow said Tuesday the president "generally knows what direction he wants to move in" on Iraq but was concerned about how writing a new speech this close to the holidays might interfere with his vacation. "Can't be late to the baby Jesus' birthday party," Snowjob told reporters.

Snowjob also said the president wanted more information from his advisers about the ramifications for the U.S. military, Iraq's internal politics, regional relations and other matters. "But that's just because 'ramification' was on his Word-a-Day calendar last week."